Hello, EC! First off I want to thank you all for being the wonderful and supportive community that you are. You guys had helped me take the final step in coming out to my mom back in September. Unfortunately, things have backtracked since then. When I first came out to my mother I felt naked and exposed. This lasted for a few days, and then I started to feel great. For about a week things were going really smoothly and my mom was being super supportive, and I was planning on coming out to my father and stepmother, and eventually my entire family (which includes a few homophobes, might I add,) which was something I NEVER thought I would be able to do. However, as I said in the first paragraph things have backtracked greatly since that short period of time. The plan I had set in motion never really got going, and I have yet to come out to anyone other than my mom. In fact, every time my mom tries to have a supportive conversation about my sexuality with me I push her away. I feel very awkward talking about it with her, and even though she has been nothing but a huge help in my struggle I still can’t help but feel like I am a disgrace. All I want in the end is to be able to live a life outside of the closet, where I can pursue my want to experiment on what love feels like, and to have everyone at least know that I’m gay and I’m proud of it. And as weird as this sounds, I’m proud of it yet I don’t what others to know that. Like I’m proud that I’m gay but I’m afraid of people thinking that I’m something other than straight. I hope that made sense. As far as coming out to other people goes, my first step is still to come out to my dad and stepmom. I think they know that I’m gay or at least might suspect it. I know they’ll be supportive because they have always told me that they don’t care if I’m bi, transgender, gay, etc. and that they will love me all the same. Still, as I said before I’m proud of the fact that I’m gay but I can’t imagine taking the steps to confirm my dad’s suspicions anymore. Mostly I’m afraid of coming out to my extended family. Both of my uncles on my mom’s side are very conservative, and one of them loves to hurl homophobic slurs whenever the subject of homosexuality arises. If I am having a hard time coming out to my dad and stepmom who I know will be supportive, I obviously know it will be nearly impossible, at least for the time being, to come out to someone I’m almost positive won’t be supportive. I guess I’m just asking for advice from you guys. Is there anything I can try to do to make myself feel more comfortable around my mom when talking to her about my sexuality? And how should I go about telling my dad and stepmom, and eventually my extended family? It’s all very stressful to me, and the end game is for me to come out to the entire community as a whole… I just know it’s better to let my family know first. What do you guys think?
Hey, take it at your own pace. This is your subject, and your conversation. I can only suggest for you to try and smooth things out with your mom, and as time goes by, and you start to feel more comfortable, to try with your dad. You've come out to your mom, but I get the feeling that you haven't really had an in depth conversation with your mom. If I may: have her write down 10 questions, give them to you, and answer them during the next conversation you have.
Not to be rash, but you're over-thinking this! :lol: Okay, from my perspective, you were brave (congratulations, by the way) and told your mama you were gay. Now it seems you're having cold feet again to continue your "outing" process. And let me be the first one to say: you're fine. Your immediate family sounds very supportive and caring, albeit the homophobes (I know how that feels) you should be alright to start living your life as yourself. Embrace it, don't be afraid. (*hug*) I hope I gave you a little confidence or courage to continue where you left off. Don't feel "stuck" anymore!
I also just started the process of coming out. Maybe my story will help you out: It took me a long time to come out to myself (I'm 27). I definitely felt like a disgrace for a very long time, and it took a lot of introspection and growing up for me to get over the fear, shame and self-hatred that I'd internalized. Apart from my father, most people in my family are quite liberal and supportive of gay rights; coming out is still not easy. I spent eight years in Catholic school and grew up in a conservative neighborhood where I absorbed all the homophobic nonsense we're all far too familiar with. I've always known I was gay, but the thought alone was unthinkable. I repressed it for years, hoping that I'd magically turn straight one day. I felt that because I was gay, none of my accomplishments mattered, and nobody would think I was worth anything. How could they if I didn't think I was worth anything? My point is it would have been impossible for me to talk about my sexuality with someone else until I was ready to talk about it with myself. I know that sounds obvious, but it's true. Fully accepting yourself for who you are without guilt or shame is very hard, but it does happen. It does get better. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like your mom is willing to have supportive conversations with you, which is great! Maybe you need to work through any residual negativity you're feeling about your sexuality before you can speak comfortably about it with her. You mentioned that you "felt like a disgrace." I've been there. I wish there was an easy way to overcome that feeling. I'd suggest reading the resources on EC, especially "Coming Out and Staying Out," if you haven't already, as well as other threads in this forum. A lot of people are going through what you're going through, and reading their accounts helps. You said that you're afraid that other people will think you're not straight. I can relate to that too. To that I can say that as you grow older, you start to care less about what other people think of you (it's quite liberating). Until then, don't let other people make you feel like you're less of a person because you're not straight. There is nothing wrong or perverse about your sexuality - it's as natural as your need to eat and sleep. Also, (and sorry for rambling!) I don't think you should feel like you need to come out to your entire extended family all it once. Don't rush. Come out when you're ready, first to the people whom you know will be supportive, then - and only when you're ready! - come out to the harder members of your family. You're in control of this process. Go at a pace with which you're comfortable.
