this is for those who only come out to people when they directly ask your orientation. under what circumstances would you say something? would you also say something if people were talking about orientation in general or talking about relationships in general? how do you kind of mention this without being overwhelmingly obvious and there being some kind of massive consequence. I know being careful who you tell in this way is one way to avoid that but I mean is there any way you would word it to avoid misunderstanding? I have always told myself that I will be open if asked by those who aren't aware but I'm not sure how to do it. I'd like to because not saying anything when people are talking about this sometimes hurts. I feel suppressed and I tend to turn negative things in toward myself. the people around me who matter are aware of my orientation, I'm referring to awkward conversations amongst others in general. also I have a friend who is always talking about this stuff in really covert ways and I'm wondering about how she identifies for many reasons. I would like to be able to answer her when it happens again, should it help her in some way. thankyou
I tell anyone who wishes to know as I do not believe orientation is something that needs to be hidden. Obviously some circumstances may dictate that you be more discreet about it, but usually it should not matter.
A conversation with a friend once played out like this. We were talking about LGBT issues (this happens more often than I used to think), and she said "People usually, look, I don't know what you are, but you know how --" and I laughed and said "I'm bi." And it's often as easy as that. If someone asks, then I'll answer. If they don't ask outright, but suggest it, I tell them, because they'd clearly like to know and I don't mind them knowing. When talking about relationships or orientation in general, though, I don't make a point of coming out. It happens that I let something slip unintentionally (when discussing the faint percentages of gay marriages, I might answer, "Well, of course, that's because there aren't that many of us out there"), and that's okay. I'm just myself in these conversations, and I'll say what I want. With a group of girls who had basically just met each other, we were discussing our "type" of guy, and one of them, when asked, said, "Well, not a guy, for a start." Easy, comfortable, makes-total-sense-in-context coming-out.
No one has really asked me up front before. At this moment I would just say I'm straight to the people around me because I'm still not comfortable with myself just yet and still in the closet. A guy I met at the gay bar last night did ask me though and I said I was bi. I was drunk though, but it was a good step for me. Drunk thoughts are sober thoughts...
thankyou (*hug*) thankyou for the examples this is exactly what I mean, when people assume. I hate being trapped in a conversation wherein I'm basically lying about myself. I usually just try and avoid it:/ ---------- Post added 11th Jan 2015 at 01:18 PM ---------- I wanted to add some small detail about my friend because she is the person I'm more thinking of coming out to right now. one time we were talking about something and then we began to talk about gay females. she became angry at how lesbians are stereotyped and treated because of this. she seems very much aware of misconceptions about lesbians in a way I have never seen in a straight female, but I am certain there are some who are aware. I just contributed facts to the conversation, whilst drawing a little and avoiding eye contact. but this day she decided to stay with me for more coffee to discuss it further. ever since this day she has constantly said things to me. I wondered if maybe I gave the impression that I may be gay. she generally asks what I prefer. but she will use subtle euphemisms, so many sometimes that I get confused what we are even talking about anymore. it happens every time we hang out and I would like to be able to answer her some time instead of getting nervous and awkward. I don't know if she's gay but regardless I feel like she knows I am and wants me to confirm for some reason. ---------- Post added 11th Jan 2015 at 01:20 PM ---------- thankyou and well done(*hug*)
I think you're right about your friend either being or knowing. I'm going to guess being. From your description, she sounds like she's done too much reading about it or living it to be this aware of things. I have a friend who was gently fishing one day in conversation. She did it in the nicest possible way but I wasn't ready to say anything at the time and when I ignored her, she simply moved on to other things. I know she's a lesbian so that's how I'm confident that's what she was doing. I sense similarities in your story. If you're ready to tell people/her, use your confusion of her euphemisms to do it. "If you're asking if I'm gay, the answer is yes." Or some variation of that. Good luck!
If somebody directly asks me if I am gay or if I like boys, I say yes. If somebody asks me if I have a girlfriend, I say no and nothing else, unless I feel the person deserves to know why I don't and never will. I typically decide not to tell people who assume I am straight. Next time I am asked why I don't want a girlfriend, I think I'm going to ask the person to guess. If they can't think of the idea that I'm gay, then they're too heteronormative to know. If we're casually talking about LGBT issues, I might slip it in without even knowing. Or I might chicken out and not say. For instance, referring to gays as "they" and "them" rather than "we" and "us". Or I might just bring it up, especially with people I don't know.
I was asked the other day and I flat said it. Which I'm beginning to do more and more. I really don't want to cram it in everyone's face. I just want to be treated the same. So I'll just continue with this general model of coming out when asked.
thankyou for sharing. that's really interesting to know. a few times when she has asked me what I prefer, I have said, "well, not that.." (referring to males) she says "no? me neither". but because it's all euphemisms, I'm not certain she would completely know what I mean and know that I'm not just playing, and she could have any sexual orientation; just not be interested in relationships. my friend was saying how people act like there's something wrong with lesbians, how some people are disgusted and how dumb that is. and she was saying how straight girls often assume that lesbians will like them and said "a lesbian is no more likely to flirt with you than anyone else". I honestly think she's either non-straight or she's just very informed. it would be cool either way as currently I don't have any non-straight/straight but aware friends. the "they" and "them" thing is literally me. except some times "we" and "us" slips out before I think so, what would you do about people assuming you are straight in an in-depth conversation? I am curious. for example, when people are involving me in a conversation about guys and asking questions about what I like in a guy (usually straight female friends/acquaintances), it makes me uncomfortable and feel like maybe I should tell them.. do you ever experience something similar and how do you react? yay well done I hate that fear of being in people's face with it. I think most people from one time or another are afraid of people feeling they are doing that when coming out. I think people are made to feel like they're doing that because of people's reaction too. it's another form of suppression toward lgbt people. acting like we are making a big deal of it by coming out, is selfish, just a way to say "I'm not homophobic, I'm so accepting that I don't view it as anything different.. YOU are making it different" which is kind of stupid in itself. because it is different. we're a minority and still get treated like shit. we're still forced to come out because it's not acknowledged in general, hence the assuming. for others to disregard that is to pretend it isn't happening. so don't ever feel like you're being too in people's face with it just by simply coming out. the only way you could ever be in someone's face with it is if you turned everything into a conversation about being gay, which would be highly unlikely! ironically though, I think the people who do that are the ones who have been silenced the most and are happy to have freedom. just a few thoughts. I hope it makes sense.
I would like to say that I have the confidence to always tell people the truth when asked about my orientation but there have been too many times where I've either lied about it directly or lied by omission for that to be true. Having said that I don't really bring it up unless asked or if I feel that the person really should know. The plus side of this is that it allows me to "normalize" my orientation since I try not to make it a big deal. On the other hand, avoiding telling certain people has caused me a ton of problems that have been, perhaps permanently, psychologically damaging.
Ok. I'm going to say she is a lesbian. Those things (bold sentence 2) she's saying aren't things a straight girl would say. Maybe ask in a discussion about lesbians but not say them. I think next she says something like that you can smile and nod and say, "I know! Right?!" As if you've experienced the same thing. Actually, looking at the first bold sentence, I'm almost positive you've already come out to her. Have you seen her since then? Have the conversations about dating changed in any way?
I've already come out to the people that I want to know. If someone at work asked me I would just lie. I don't feel the need to come out at work nor do I want to.
I've only been in these types of situations a few times, so I can only predict what I would do. If I'm with boys in a nasty conversations about banging girls we find hot, I would probably tell them I don't want to "bang" any of them. If they ask "Why not, you gay?" I say yes. If they ask why not without suggesting that I'm gay, I would ask them to guess why not until they suggest it or give up. If somebody asks me "Hey dude, what's your type of girl?" I would say I don't like girls in that way.
I've never been asked about my sexuality bec I look like a straight girl and unfortunately spend most of my time with people who think gay ppl dont exist if u don't talk about them. I would love to be asked and be able to give an honest answer. That being said, I brought it up casually to my hairdresser that I've known my whole life and it was such a liberating feeling. For it to just not b a big deal or come with an explanation. It was just like "so I want that shade of red and I'm gay and I'm thinking chin length." Being able to just come out to ppl in passing feels much better than I would have expected.
I think a lot of people don't have that confidence. I definitely don't. that's exactly what I'm meaning, the damage caused by not telling people. keeping things to yourself and even lying directly during discussions because if you didn't you would be forced to come out. it sucks. thankyou. I was wondering if maybe she was just super aware for some reason like knowing someone who is gay perhaps. at the time I said something like "it drives me crazy, it's so narcissistic" I was very nervous at the time and became all awkward. I have seen her since I answered her. the conversation about dating is just a continuing thing basically she will just ask me the same thing and I have to say it again. I don't get it. it makes me feel like she isn't truly understanding what I mean. would you say anything if a group of friends were talking about who they like etc, and asking you what you find attractive in someone (if your friends aren't aware of your orientation). well that's definitely a very interesting way to come out to them and also very cool I haven't directly been asked my sexuality until now either, because I apparently "look like a straight girl" (it's beyond me how it's even possible). it's cool you told your hairdresser, if it makes you feel liberated I think it can only be a good thing. (*hug*)
How do I mention it? Simple: I do not. This country is not a place for being open, but thinking about it, I don't even want to be. It's not the business of anyone else to know what I like. I'm happy that I'm not being questioned in the first place, and nor do I want that to change. No, just don't ask me about this, come on, move along I don't like you. (I don't mean you specifically, but you know, whoever would be asking.)
thankyou for your response I'm not sure why I asked this question initially but it's interesting to find what different people think. personally I am not open with just anyone who may ask or discuss it; I am very careful who I talk to about this. and I didn't mean to give the impression I am not. I think I was specifically referring to circumstances when someone close to you asks.
