Hey y'all. I need your help and experience on a confusing topic: I'm a high school senior, never had a relationship before and I'm kind of overwhelmed when it comes to the topic of "dating". I never really felt attracted to anyone in particular and a few months back I teamed up with this girl for a school project and we became really good friends. Unfortunately, she wanted more than that and after some awkward weeks of her trying to cuddle and touch me I realized I could never date her and eventually I told her this "relationship" might never work out. Unfortunately it was her Birthday and she didn't exactly take it so well. It hurt losing her as a friend and I never really talked about it with anyone but I'm slowly coming to terms with the "reason" behind this: I think I might like guys. I am really confused because I never really thought about dating before and I was busy enough with school and sports to keep me distracted. When I reflexively pushed her away from me whenever she got close, it kind of dawned on me and the thought of taking this any further scared me. As I said, I never told anyone and my family is really religious and conservative and they would probably disown me or shoot me if I ever told them I wasn't as much into girls as I should be. So, my initial reaction was to swear off dating for a while and see what moving on to College brings. Long introduction, but then, two weeks ago this quirky story happened: I went to a party at a friend's place and I ran into that girl there. At first we were able to talk as friends but then she was all bitchy and gave me a hard time. She would drink and make out in front of me with random guys letting me know that "real men wouldn't let this chance pass". I was really annoyed at first and then it really got to me after a while and I was really pissed and I started drinking, which was a big mistake given I never ever drink. Next thing I know, I wake up with the worst headache in my entire life, swearing to myself I'll never touch anything other than water ever again. Looking around, I realize I have no clue where I am. I woke up in an unknown bed in an unknown room, beautiful interior design though, and this kind of freaked me out. I could not remember a thing about the party after talking to that girl and I panicked. After a few minutes of looking for my phone, neatly placed at the nightstand, and with a polite knock-on-the-door-and-wait-for-a-response, I got to know my host whom I haven't seen before. This guy is a new kid in town who moved to my town a few months ago from Belgium and despite he goes to my school, I haven't seen him around. At the party, he came to pick up a friend of his and as I was totally wasted, my friends asked him if he could take me home. Seems no one was thinking really and I ended up in his car unable to tell him where I lived and so he was really kind to let me crash in his family's guest room. It was the weirdest situation ever and I was really embarrassed as he told me this story but he was cool about it and really nice. He was really generous and hospitable and so he didn't tell his parents, who left early for work, and lent me clothes (though he's a bit taller, so it looked a tiny bit awkward) in order not to look destroyed when he took me home later that day. He was really nice and we got along really well and so we decided to hang out more. We even got accepted at the same college next summer and we might have some school classes together so we agreed to meet up and go over some stuff for school since he just moved here. So why am I telling you all this? Well, despite my resolutions not to get romantically involved into any kind of interaction, I did notice he's like really cute. There, I said it. Like the perfect kind of cute. Tell, slim, dark like really dark blue sparkling eyes, sandy blonde hair, freckles and the world's most welcoming smile. Even within the two weeks I've known him, I realized girls swoon over him and usually go crazy trying to get his attention. (he does look a bit like Jesse McCartney or Hunter Hayes). Funny thing is, he's totally oblivious to it. Anyway, and as a stereotype, he is the epitome of a "straight" guy, so I dismissed my train of thought immediately. I didn't think about him at all because I was having a bad conscience and I kind of forgot about the whole thing until he came over to pick up his clothes and we decided to hang out. We are still on break until next week, so we kind of have a lot of free time on our hands. I thoroughly enjoy being around him but a few things about him make me insecure and uneasy. He is a great guy and despite he could easily be a "popular kid", he's kind of very affable and uninhibited. However, some things he does, made me wonder where our budding friendship is actually going. He would like make excuses to touch me ever so often. And while I don'T like being touched in general, and when this girl used similar strategies I was really uncomfortable, I'm okay really when he does it. He would like stay the night and then want to watch a horror movie and then he's like, "I need to hold on to something, horror flicks give me the creeps" and he would take my hand. He wouldn't let go and we fell asleep like that and it felt strangely all right. Or another time he would sleep over and he forgot his stuff and borrowed a T-Shirt and shorts from my wardrobe but he would say he's cold (it was snowing outside) and ignore my offer to get him something warmer to wear and he just got some more blankets and wrapped them around both of us - tight, really tight (yes, the "use body heat to survive" kind of close). He stared at me and I was beet red and he's just "let'S watch a movie". I really enjoyed it but I was too scared to ask him why he's acting like this. Or he would just go make a milkshake in my kitchen. One for both if us with two straws. I asked him what's up with that and he just meant "oh I was just craving a milkshake. So just shake it off and help me finish it". Last week we went to the mall because he needed a new suit and in the store he asked me for my opinion on his two favorite suits and I just said both look great and I can't decide. HE looked around as though to check if anyone was around, no one was, and pulled me into the changing room. HE said "you should get a closer look, then". I did not know what to do and he just undressed to his underwear next to me and tried on the other suit. I was perplexed and tried not to blush intensely but I did as I could see in the mirror. He asked me if I wanted to try them on as well and I just panicked ans said "no I need to get outa here". but I didn't. He changed back into his regular clothes and while doing so he asked me "do you think there's more to see? Actually I'm done with the suits" then he winked at me but I didn't want to stay in there and watch him get dressed so I slipped out of the cabin and waited for him at the checkout. There was this old lady who gave us weird looks when he too came out of the same cabin and we laughed all afternoon about that. We did not buy a suit that day because he thought he might find some more at another store and we should get the same models to show off our "coolness" (whatever that means). We met a couple friends at the mall and they pointed out the crowds of girls that were checking "us" (aka him) out from afar. He was genuinely surprised as if he didn't even realize how damn good looking he is. That night we wanted to go see a movie but we couldn't decide which one so he pushed me to the floor and started wrestling. We squirmed around a bit and we are about equal in strength and build but he's taller and cheated by calling my attention to something that "just flew by outside the window". Of course I looked and he pinned me to the floor saying "guess big Hero 6 it is" and then he just stared at me. His face was all red but it was because he was all worked up from wrestling and then he just collapsed on top of me and rested his head like at my shoulder or so. It was weird to me because this whole body contact thing is new to me and I felt buried under his body. I heard him breathing and it was a really tranquil moment, though. I just lay there, feeling his body on mine and I was really overwhelmed. After a while, he got up and announced he'S gonna take a shower being all cocky saying "we wouldn't want to let down those fan girls of yours". We did go to see Big Hero 6 (great movie by the way) that night and at some point he leaned in to me to tell me something and it was something really random but he got so close, really close I could feel his breath on my cheek and ear and he just paused awkwardly in the middle of his sentences so it took forever to get his message across. Actually he just told me some fact about the founding of Disney CGI animation but I still blushed and he said "dude we gotta do something about your blush. You turn red an awful lot lately". I just laughed it off and we had one of those moments where we would just crack up for no real reason and then someone behind us complained because we were so loud. One last thing I want to share is the most confusing. At my place we forgot to take down part of the Christmas decoration so there was still a bunch of holly above the back door. He came over and I let him in at the back door and he noticed it and said "dude, you should get rid of your mistletoe" and I explained that's holly and we talked about kissing and stuff and, who would have known, he hasn't had a relationship or a kiss either. He asked me if I would kiss someone, anyone really, if it were a real mistletoe and I said "well, not just anyone, thatS' kinda weird" and he said "well we better get rid of the thing anyway. Gotta make sure your first kiss is something special and not some random holly kiss". Then he dared me to lift him so he can take it off but I couldn't get him off the ground so he lifted me to take it off. So here I am, thinking about him almost 24/7. I'm really confused and I really like him. At first I thought I only liked him because he's gorgeous (and dis I mention his adorable accent? His granny is English so he has some French / British accent) but as a person. He is really polite and gentle and tender. HE's also a bit dashing and daring, even reckless, but he is also courteous and sensitive. I'm really confused as I can't afford to let my family find out I like him. He doesn't really care what people think of him or us. I don't even know if he's into girls or not. I rely on your experience and advice, do you think he might be gay? Do you think I should ask him? Or is this just "European" the way he's acting? I'm scared he might be straight and hate me if I told him I liked him. Also, the fact that I can't let anyone know might make things even more difficult. Thank you so much for your help in advance and for reading all of this. I'll keep you posted if anything happens in the meantime.
Speaking as a European (and, in fact, a Belgian myself)... doesn't sound like standard "European" behaviour. He does seem more touchy-feely than most people I know, at least. On the other hand: some people are just the physical type. So it's not exactly a smoking gun either. so I'm not sure if we can reliably conclude anything about his sexuality just yet (also, you are a biased observer, so it's sometimes hard to separate his actions and your interpretations of them). In any case: looks like he has a pattern of, at the very least, testing the boundaries. Every time you describe, he's going to the edge of what makes you uncomfortable, and then backs off immediately when you flinch. And, most likely, as long as you keep flinching, he's just going to repeat the pattern. So, to move beyond that, I do think you'll need to push back a little. That doesn't mean you have to immediately tell him "I like guys and I think I have a crush on you" (nothing against it, but it may be a bigger step than you're comfortable with). But it may be worth trying to joke back, or not flinch. If he's asking if you would kiss anyone, ask "Why are you asking? Are you offering? " If he's trying to make you flinch, try to hold your ground and just grin. If he's pulling a situation like the one with the suits, then you could joke: "Wait... are we in here to watch the suit? Or are you just trying to show off your body? " I'll be honest, here: making up flirty jokes on the fly is an acquired skill. It takes some practice to get right. But actually, occasionally missing the ball while flirting can be charming too. You can be sure he'll pull something like this again, so just assume it'll happen and be prepared call his bluff. As for your family finding out: yeah, you probably don't want to do this when your parents are at risk of running in. But I'd say it's something you're allowed to keep hidden from them for now. Only a few months left til you're off to uni anyway. Finally: yeah, it is possible he's not actually gay, but just a touchy-feely guy who gets flirty with anyone in his vicinity. Those guys do actually exist. If you get the impression that he's flinching, don't try to push your luck either!
I believe you should do has Filip says. Test the waters and see what he does, how he reacts about it. Do some of the things he also do to you and flirt with him subtly. I believe that if in one moment the subject appears in one of your conversations, you should try to demonstrate that you are OK with that fact that someone is gay, in a way that makes him feel free to talk to you about it. It is possible that that's the way he is, very friendly and "touchable", and that you are such a good friend for him that he does it to you as he does to other good friends. But is also possible that he is trying to see how you react in that position. I understand your fear towards your religious parents, so take your time, think about it but don't over-think, mostly because you are going to college (and assuming your are not going to be at your parent's) where you will have a bit more freedom to explore that side of you. I truly hope the best for you!
Thanks for the great advice! I really appreciate it. I've been thinking about it quite a lot and I will try to heed your advice. I thought I'd keep you updated on the recent developments. I tried to "be prepared" for his next advances but he was acting all "normal" almost all week. We hung out with my and his friends on Tuesday and I'm really happy everyone got along very well and agreed to hang out more often as a group. On Wednesday he invited me to stay at his place and meet his parents over dinner. I headed over around noon and we were working out in his basement all afternoon. I met his parents when they came home and his mom prepared dinner. They work at some embassy-related institution and are quite fancy with their family dinners. I was a bit nervous and his parents are kind of intimidating but super-nice. He doesn't have any brothers or sisters so it was just the four of us. His dad mentioned it's great I'm helping their son with school work and I tried to sound appropriate by responding with a respectful "yessir, thank you." He grinned while staring at his plate and nudged my knee with his. His family is really nice and friendly but they put a lot of effort into politeness. At one point, he responded in Dutch to his mom and she scolded him for not replying in English in the presence of a guest. I tried to let them know it's nothing to worry about but he was kinda embarrassed by that. Later that night we played video games and he told me that his parents liked me. It was random but I think it means a lot to him. The next morning we had granola and cereal for breakfast and he juggled some bananas and asked me if I wanted one with my cereal. I said "yeah, why not" And he tossed me one and meant "careful it's a big one, think you can handle it? Don't choke on it, boy" and I just replied "oh shut up". Then his dad came into the kitchen and I know his parents don't allow swearing so I just let it slip. I was busy that afternoon so we didn't really see each other until we met up with our group of now-mutual friends on Friday. I was excited to see all of them again, of course especially him. I was also happy to see one of my best friends with whom I didn't spend too much time lately. So I was talking to her when he arrived and she waved at him from afar as he was approaching us. He was all cool and I was overjoyed to see him but I was really destroyed when my friend (gal pal) said "great to see you again." And after some shallow small talk "Last night was fun". I was really confused and blurted out "wait what?" And they explained that she met him when shopping at Walmart last night and he helped her carry her bags to the car. True fact, she does go overboard when grocery shopping all the time but when she commented "he's really charming, you know" I was really disappointed. He explained "and then she invited me for coffee at the Starbucks her sister works at". I gave her a "how could you??" Look but she didn't recognize it as such. He must have noticed because he swung his arm around my shoulder and announced "oh don't be jealous, we'd never replace our favorite buddy". But this didn't really satisfy me and I was jealous. We had a lot of fun that night but I didn't get a chance to talk to either of my friends about what really happened so I was quite pissed. The first thing I did on Saturday morning was bike over to my friend's place (the girl). I couldn't wait interviewing her about that one day I was busy. I actually thought about telling her the whole truth but then I was reminded about her and my parents' religious traditions by the Christian ornaments all over her room. Anyway, she told me she just randomly bumped into him at the store and he helped her carry the bags. Then she invited him to her sister's Starbucks (a really small one and usually this was our secret spot as we could access the employee lounge there, so I felt a bit betrayed). I asked her why and she said she wanted to be nice since he's new and stuff. I was not very decent and asked her if something else happened that night but she was just "God, no. He's such a kid (or it might have been 'goofball', I don't Remember exactly) he's kinda shy but he wouldn't stop talking about you. He asked all these questions and I think he really likes you". I was thrilled to hear that and yelped "what, really?" And she confirmed, although she didn't mean it THAT way of course, "yeah I do think you're like really close friends already". I was overjoyed and when I got home the first thing I did was invite him over for another night of movies and video games as my parents are gone over the weekend. I'm so looking forward to seeing him later and something inside me wants to tell him so badly how much I like him. Oh I wish I could read his mind just once. Also, I'm sorry for the extensive length of my posts. I will try to test the waters a little bit and maybe ask him about his views on gay topics. Again, thank you very much for the great help. It means a lot to me, especially because this is really confusing to me and I am really scared as I don't know if I'm ready to label myself and tell someone yet. I am very impressed by and in awe of everyone who can confidently be who they are and not give a damn what others think about it. Thank you! Y'All are very inspiring!
Communication, my friend. Just have a talk with him. Otherwise you may friend-zone yourself if he is interested. It sounds like he's at least curious. Give it a shot dude.
hi thenewguy13! I enjoyed reading your post reminded me of happy days when I was younger. It really shows you like him, and I think, in this case, you should not expect anything in spite of all the 'clues' he is giving that he might be into you. After all, I hope you don't get me wrong, but many of your thoughts may just be over analysing of things. I know of a guy like your friend, who I call "generically friendly". This is a typical guy, usually attractive and charming, extremely kind and warm. Guys like him loves to be physical, even giving occasional hugs. They are very sweet and very thoughtful as well. However, that is just their personality. It may not mean anything to them aside from the fact that they really value your friendship. And with someone liking them, all their actions may seem subtle ways of letting you know they like you too. Well, they actually do, but maybe not in the same way you like them. The incident with your girl friend shows that he is a really nice guy, to everyone. You should not feel jealous about it because that is his personality. Instead you should be happy that you have a friend like him. Genuinely nice people are very rare nowadays. I would typically get jealous too but I will get a hold of myself because in spite of the closeness, you are still just friends. I am not trying to be a buzzkill, but I am saying that people like him exists. I would advice that you guard yourself from falling in love with him quickly (not falling in love with him at all). I would not blame you if you fall for him, because just reading your story makes me like him already, but maybe you should guard your heart a little. In an ideal world, who knows, you'll end up as great lovers, but as we know, the world is far from ideal and that happy ending doesn't always happen. Based on your posts, i know how much you care for him, and I think he cares for you too. Enjoy the moment; don't stress yourself too much about the meaning of every little thing that happens between the two of you. Enjoy your time with him without any introspection of any sort, if you can. Sometimes, our emotions cloud our better judgement of things and for me, in your case, you are at the brink of telling him how you feel about him. But, if you really feel that you can't keep it to yourself anymore, I would suggest that you write him a letter. Sometimes, it is better that way, that you give him the time to absorb what you say, rather than saying it upfront. Then again, it is always up to you. Good luck! I wish the best for both of you. I hope you would update us! I would love to hear about any development Cheers!
You could try asking him about his views on gay marriage. That's how I came out to new friends for a while and it seems to be somewhat effective.
Here's something I might do: Tell my friends that I'm taking a poll for some reason (school project, etc.), and ask some random filler questions (religion/denomination, political identification, and other questions that slightly tie into sexuality). Somewhere in the middle, I'll ask their views on gay marriage, and other topics that will apply to me (Do you approve of homosexuality? Why or Why Not?) (If a friend of yours came out of the closet, what would your reaction be?). If the answer is positive, I'll wait a month, ask them if their answer to my "poll" still stands, and if still yes, ask them if they can keep a secret. By now, they'll probably have guessed where I'm going with this and ask me if I like guys. I'll respond yes, and hopefully nothing bad will happen. If it's a negative, then don't bother, unless they change their minds in a month. Good luck!!!
He sounds like a friendly dork, who seemingly likes you too. However, I think you have made a right decision not to label yourself and my advice would be to extend that courtesy to your friend. In order to proceed forward with this situation, you need to get upfront and personal with him. Fear not, for asking him personal questions: For example, on whether he wants a girlfriend (or boyfriend), because if he is not ashamed to ask you those types of questions, then he should not be surprised to receive them back in return.
Dear all, thanks a LOT for your comments and advice. There was a slight but significant change in our relationship when we hung out on the weekend. To give you a short impression, he had the glorious idea to play "chicken" where you score points the farther you go doing potentially gross things. We printed some rules from the internet and drew the next chicken dare from a can. It started off with random things like "I'm going to paint on your arm with water-proof ink." or we made a gross drink made of a hodgepodge of gross kitchen stuff and got it closer to the other's lips but none of us actually drank it. (I'm glad given what happened after this and it smelled disgusting!!) I got the inevitable "another person is getting closer and closer, how close do you let them get before you chicken out?" He didn't think long about "executing" this prompt and pushed me against the wall. I've never seen him so determined and after inching closer the mandatory "you chicken?" inquiries subsided and I don't have to mention that this time I didn't "chicken out". It was my first kiss and the most wonderful experience I ever had. We concluded that we both won the game and since then, my life has been heaven on earth. I know, there might be times when things do not seem so great but at least I have him. We talked about everything and we're together at last, taking it slow and comfortable and it feels great. I still don't know how I'm going to handle my parents but with him by my side, I know I already "Won" everything. I hope you guys experience moments of equal happiness and thank you so much for your support! I think I can handle it on my own from here on, but I wanted to let you know that the game "chicken" is a more or less subtle way to test the waters, you might want to give it a try All the best!
Congrats man Chicken, huh? That's just freaking adorable. Made me smile and brightened my day to read about it. Take care, have fun, and best to you both. Todd
The chicken part was adorable! Wish something like that would work for me, but it's different for a 51 year old woman.
Aw that's perfect How sweet, he sounds like a great guy. That story right there is like the stuff of freaking legend. Haha I don't think anything like that is even possible looking/being the way that I am...cynical I know, but realistic :/
To be honest, I still can't believe it either. I guess in my it works so well because we are both rather calm and I dare say most of the time those relationships don't work out because no-one wants to make the first step. However, while I was the first to say "I don't believe in happy endings" trying to stay 'realistic', my view on things has completely changed since I met him. It's like being with him is the only thing that matters! So, please, give yourself a chance and be open for what your future might have in store for you. One more thing: As happy as I am in my relationship, the only thing that really sucks is having to hide all the time. I'm super-lucky my boyfriend (I never get tired of calling him that now ) is so supportive and Ok with it. His parents are liberal but my parents would kill me if they found out. It sucks having to make sure no one sees us holding hands or acting as obviously more than friends in publi or at school. It's really torture, especially if you're so happy you'd like to scream the news from the top of your voice and share your happiness with the world. And while for me college and a less constricting lifestyle are not far away (or at least the chance to live my life with him; I'm neither going to tell everyone I'm not straight nor hide it because I'm very individualistic as a person, never really comfortable being included in some stereotyped groups; but that's just who I am) I advise everyone who has the chance of living his life without having to hide, Please do it. Appreciate your freedom and let nothing and no-one come between you and your happiness.
Very adult style of writing. I've never known any 18 year old with such developed and nuanced writing skills.
@thenewguy13, i am very happy for you. happy ending (although i wouldn't wish your happiness to end) is indeed very rare nowadays, and for you to find it with him is unbelievable. I am very happy you and him are together, and i wish the best for both of you.
I loved your story, very well written as well. My advice would be enjoy this time to the fullest, open your heart as much as you can, the starts of a relationship are thebest
