1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I feel like I'll never be able to come out to my parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Pluie, Jan 12, 2015.

  1. Pluie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2012
    Messages:
    79
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    In August 2013 I attempted to come out to my mother. In the end what she said was basically "I think you're just lonely and this is a phase; you need a good friend that you have interests in common with". What felt like not long at all after that, she told me about a woman she met at my brother's swimming lessons who had a daughter my age that liked a lot of the same books. We started talking to each other March and it turned out that we did get along well. Like, really well. Fast forward to July and we started dating. We became officially girlfriends in September and we're still together; things between us are going very well. Her parents knew from the start but mine think we're just really good friends, even now.

    I'm a junior, and she's technically taking a victory lap right now (even though we're only 6 months apart, it's complicated). She didn't have any classes from September to February, but the second semester is starting soon (like, I have an exam next week soon!), and then we'll be seeing each other a lot more - and in a much more public place than we're used to. She says she doesn't want us to be out as a couple before my parents know, and I understand why she's saying that. Even if, hypothetically, I stayed in the closet for the rest of the school year, she's going to university next fall, 5 hours away if she gets accepted to the one she wants. I won't be able to brush off long Skype calls and wanting to go visit her often as "just being good friends". Honestly I don't know if we'll be able to handle a long distance relationship, but when we talk about the future we're hopeful about it, and really it's not even a full year. I'm planning on applying to the same university as her and she'll be back home for the summer. I did worry about her meeting new people when she goes to university, and I still do worry about that sometimes, but I doubt that's what's going to happen, and if it does we'll deal with it when it happens. We're both kind of picky with whom we spend our time with, and I think we both count ourselves as very lucky to have found someone that we get along with so well and also wants to make out, you know?

    I don't want to keep lying to my parents, even if most of them are just white lies or omitting the truth (i.e., "We watched a movie with her brother" rather than "We spent most of the time cuddling"). My parents aren't particularly conservative - they vote NDP and talk back to my uncle when he starts rambling off what the Bible says about "the homosexuals". My dad especially doesn't seem like the type to be bothered by it, but my mother... A bit more. She thinks she knows everything about me and what's best for me all the time, no matter what I say to try and contradict her. The best example is that she tried to convince me to not tell any of my friends when I tried to come out to her. I didn't heed that advice, obviously, and honestly my social life is better for it. I don't feel like I'm lying to my friends any more and I've made new friends thanks to my girlfriend and the (quite underground) LGBTQ community at my school. I'm the only one of my queer friends that's still mostly in the closet, though, and most of them had easy coming outs so it's hard to find the support I need from them. I feel like I'll never have the confidence to tell them. I have anxiety and the summer I tried to tell my mother I had a really bad bout of depression, I've gotten better since then but it still eats away at my mind sometimes. I just don't know how I should tell them or in what circumstances.
    Especially since I'm not just telling my parents that I'm a lesbian - I'm telling them that I've actually been dating my "best friend" for months without their knowledge, and that's one of the biggest reasons I want to come out to them as soon as possible: the longer I wait to tell them about my relationship, the more betrayed they'll feel, I think.

    Any advice would be appreciated :/
     
  2. jay777

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2014
    Messages:
    1,599
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Well you have a few options...
    you could come out in a letter...
    there are quite a few on EC...
    you could include something like its only a part of your personality and you will still be the same...


    (*hug*)
     
  3. ANewDawn

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2014
    Messages:
    311
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Florida
    Parents are usually the scariest people to come out to because we care about each other the most. I did not imagine a world where I could come out to my super religious parents and be accepted. I only just came out this week so I still don't know what it's gonna be like or if they're ever going to accept it. But the relief of having it out there and not having to keep that secret or feel like I have something to be ashamed of is amazing.
    The fact that your parents know your girlfriend and her parents will likely work in your favor. They know and like her, so it takes away that fear of you being influenced by a morally depraved individual. They'll see that in all the time you've been dating her nothing about you has fundamentally changed, and you're still their daughter, only happier.
     
  4. HunGuy

    HunGuy Guest

    Eventually your mother has to understand that you are the one who knows yourself in and out, not her. I know it's not easy with such a mother, I can relate. You're happy with your girlfriend, and they know her, which I think reduces their anxiety about her. Maybe it would be the best to come out to your father first, then when you're comfortable with it, to your mother. TBH I laughed my ass of about the fact that basically she was the one who introduced you to your girlfriend, while she was just trying to avoid this all. :lol:

    I wish you luck!