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I'm a straight guy who may have feelings for his gay best friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LW995, Jan 13, 2015.

  1. LW995

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    * sigh * I know there are a dozen threads like this on this forum, but I need to get it off my chest, I just need to tell someone and ask what they'd do... This place seems perfect for that.

    So about 6 months ago, I started at a new school, began my College life. After about 3 weeks, I met this guy, really friendly and kind and I knew there was a 'click' somewhere, but at that moment I just felt like 'Hey we could be really great friends.'

    We then later, around october last year, went to see a movie with some friends and afterwards had some drinks. He then told me he was gay (he didn't drop it suddenly, but I can't remember what lead up to him confessing). Some friends already knew, but I didn't. As I am a very open minded person, I accepted it straight away, everybody has the right to be who they want.

    As we always met on the trainstation on my way to college, we would often spend the entire ride talking to each other. I found out we had a lot on common, we're both nerdy, quick-witted and we have a lot of common interests. Talking to him always felt like time stopped, like I could go on for hours talking to him.

    Over time, I began to like him more and more. Eventually I considered him my best friend, someone I could talk to whenver I needed too, and I was always there for him too.

    One day, he admitted to me that he liked someone from my class, another guy, who was also gay. He was very shy about it and didn't know how to approach him, I suck at giving love advice as I haven't been with a lot of girls myself and I am still a virgin, but I told him he should go for it and ask him.

    He eventually did, but the guy told him he wasn't into him, which I've heard him say upset him quite a bit. After this, we continued to talk during our trainrides to school and we also did a project together. I began to like him more and more and I started feeling 'incomplete' without him, like I love it when I am around him. He's such a kind, smart and funny guy, always managed to brighten up my day and make me forget about my worries and doubts.

    Then, as I took the train home one day, alone, I had a thought.
    "If he were a girl, I wouldn't hesitate about asking him out."
    I thought it through. I realised that I didn't really found it that big of a deal he was of the same sex, I felt this love towards him that, to my surprise, made his gender irrelevant.

    I started thinking about what it would be like to 'be with him'. I've always had the suspicion I may be bi, as I often dream about both sexes, and have had 'crushes' on guys before, but looking back at them, I'd say that was lust rather than love, as I fell for their body, not their personality.

    So here I am now. In love with my best gay friend. I don't know if I should tell him, as he says he still has feelings for that other guy, and I often get the feeling he considers me more of a friend than a potential romantic interest. Though I have the fear it might be because he thinks I am confident in my heterosexuality.

    I already came out to my parents, who were very supportive and kind and said they love me no matter what. They did tell me to wait though, as I only know him for 6 months now, and I've never had a 'friend' like this before, and they said maybe it is just the feeling of having a best friend you can really be yourself with.

    But I have this feeling, this feeling I cannot stop thinking about. I've made other friends in college, people with similair personalities like him even, but none make me feel the same way this guy does, he is just perfect in my eyes and I enjoy every minute with him, and I always feel a little sad when we part ways after a long day of school.

    The only reason my parents ask if this isn't just 'best friends' is the fact I told them I am having doubts about being 'physical' with him. I never can bring myself to the thought of us having sex, only going as far to imagine us cuddling, kissing, holding hands.
    I should mention I've never had the urge to go that far with a girl either, I never really could see myself having sex in general unless I know it is the right person.

    So I wanted to ask you guys at EC what you would do in my case.

    I really value our friendship and I am afraid coming out to him might damage it (permanently). I am prepared for the option that he isn't into me, as I got a feeling I'm not his type, but that doesn't change the fact I have these strong romantic feelings for him and I want him to know I consider him as more as a friend.
     
  2. thenewguy13

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    Hey there!

    I understand you so well. I never really thought much about about my sexuality as my family basically planned my life out for me: school-college-marriage.
    You are very very lucky you can talk to your parents about this and they support and love you.

    I can relate to your inhibitions about sexual interactions. I couldn't see myself having sex with someone I don't love either.
    I also went through phases of boy crushes but I always ignored them.

    Recently, I met this girl and we got along really well and as much as I would have enjoyed being able to love her, I kind of came to terms with my being gay when she tried to get cuddly and affectionate and I did not enjoy it and reflexively pushed her away as it felt just wrong.

    I'm sure we could have been great friends but she got all upset and crushed all my hopes for a friendship with her after I told her I didn't like her.

    Therefore, I cannot really tell you to just go for it and tell someone you adore for being your friend that you do or don't like them because it might very well have a negative impact in case they don't feel the same.

    However, I also can relate perfectly to your crush on your friend. In fact, you sound like the kind of person that makes this world a better palace by not judging love by the gender of the "object" of affection.

    In fact, I just met a guy recently and we are very close friends by now and he keeps making allusions that are weirdly more than plain friends and I want nothing more than "be with him". In that perspective, especially as I am still coming to terms with the thoughts of leadin a life I could never tell my family about, I do think that this universal aspect of love that transcends gender or prejudice is a big hint that might help you reach the right decision.

    The only advice I can give you is listen to your heart and if you feel like you could be with the person, no matter what gender they are or which kind of sexual orientation you feel you might belong to, and sexual interactions might add the last bit of perfection, then it should be as close to any definition of love as we can get to.

    As for me, as harsh as it sounds, but I was grossed out by the fact of even kissing that girl and it was a big hinderance as I never could fully like her as a whole. (Not even physically, she was gorgeous, but I somehow realized I couldn't love Her as a woman).

    And even as immature and inexperienced as I am, I am aware that my crush on the guy I met, and being with him, feels more complete, and right and I could imagine going all the way with him and I have never felt like his before. Something within all the insecurity and potential hate we might get, it feels so right and secure and this is what you should look for.

    If you do not feel like that with your friend you might want to wait a bit and come to terms with the idea of a same-sex relationship.
    If you feel like your love, so it be reciprocated, can overcome all the doubts and obstacles, go for it.

    But, and that's the problem I'm having right now, the right moment to tell your crush is hard to find, so please be sensitive about that.

    Feel free to contact me if you want to talk about it in more detail.

    I wish you all the best and I hope you'll be happy and everything turns out well for you.
     
  3. Aniot

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    Hi LW995

    Well with what you said I think you have a good relationship with him. And also the fact that he is gay might indicate that he will be supportive towards you if you would tell him something. What I believe you should say is a mix between what you parents told you and what I think you want to do. Why don't you have a sincere talk with him and tell him that you think you are not sure about your sexuality, you are questioning it. Don't tell him that's because of your relationship with him, just have a talk about your feelings towards others in "a love way". He might help you with it and share experiences that might lead you to some conclusion or at least some rest. See where your friendship and your feelings toward him go, do as your parents told you and see if this is nothing more than a great friendship feeling. Then when you feel sure about what you feel (I don't say you will take 6 months to do that) have another talk with your friend. Maybe you don't even have to have that talk and thins work out along the way.

    I hope for the best for you! Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  4. greatwhale

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    Hey LW995, welcome to EC!

    I think the above advice is pitch-perfect; simply come out to him as you did with your parents and ask for his support. You need not go further than that. As you strengthen your beautiful friendship (and coming out to him will do that), you are not closing the door to something more, and at the same time, you are being open to the possibility, just the possibility that he might see something more than only a friend in you.

    Take it easy and take it slow, he is also grieving the loss of any possible relationship with his crush, just be the supportive friend you are as well and be alert to what will happen next.
     
  5. LW995

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    Thanks for the helpfull replies ya'all... It certainly helps knowing other people have experienced the same or similair situation.

    Hmmm... this sounds like a good plan, it's really affecting me, I'm nervous whenever I think about him, about us, and wether I should tell him sooner or later.

    One worry I do have though is that if I tell him I am having doubts about my sexuality and might be into guys, he might ask what triggered it... and I don't know if I am able to lie to his face about something as pure as my love for him.
     
  6. Aniot

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    I understand you worries. Personally I think that, if you are able to do it, you should just tell him that it you felt some crushes on boys sometimes in your life and the fact that you, as you said, felt wrong being with that girl recently lead you to think that maybe you are not entirely straight. This way you are not lying to him, you are just omitting the fact that you might like him.
     
  7. Rainbows~Exist

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    If I were you then I'd tell him your feelings. Sorry I don't have any valuable insight... all I really wanted to say was that this story was so freaking adorable! :lol:
     
  8. LW995

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    I'd be lying to myself then, which kind of makes me feel uneasy... I've always dated girls in the past, and now I am feeling the same thing, the same feelings and passion I have for girls I feel them ever so strongly for this guy as well. So I while I see where you're coming from, it kinda feels like I am lying to myself.... I just want to tell him so bad, but also say that if he isn't into me, I understand, and I still want to be friends with him, but I just want him to know I'll always be there to support him no matter what and that I just have these feelings for him.

    Thanks :slight_smile: really when I came out to my parents about it I joked 'Take a guess' and they guessed it outright... I think talking about him for the past 2 weeks might've given them clues hahaha

    I've done all those stupid test on the internet "Are you in love with your best friend?" And I pass most of them :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    As a straight guy I've never felt this before and it freaks me out a bit to be honest, yet I feel telling him might be such a huge relief, even if he doesn't (and will never) love me, telling him would feel so liberating...
     
  9. Ditz

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    Hi LW

    Your story reads like a fairytale and I truly hope it's one that will have a happy ending. Your parents... My goodness they sound truly awesome, I hope you give them each a huge hug from this community as they truly deserve it for being so open and supportive!

    You mentioned that you had small crushes on guys in the past even though you exclusively dated girls which tells me that you are most likely Bi and that is something you should embrace and make a part of you. I'm a lot like you in the sense that for me it's all about true love and the ONE person I fall in love with irrespective of their sex.

    You are in a fortunate position that your friend is gay... What would have been disastrous is if you fell in love with your straight best friend, so at least from that perspective things are looking up for you and you have a chance.

    The advice given in telling your friend that you are bi without telling him that you have feelings for him is the safe option, but on the other hand I can relate with you not wanting to hide the truth from him. My advice to you would be to go with your gut feeling, that little voice inside yourself is normally 100% spot on right. Only you know your friend and only you know what he values in your friendship, stay true to that and you will be ok.
     
  10. raiden04

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    First off, welcome to the forum :slight_smile:

    I appreciate that you don’t wanna risk losing his friendship but coming out to him as gay doesn’t have to put it in jeopardy. My advice would be to tell him that you like guys too, but omit the part about you being attracted to him. Give him some time to process it and analyse how he reacts to the news. He may never have thought of you as a potential partner until now because (as you said) he may think you’re completely straight.

    Anyway, that should give you something to go on. If, after a while, he still thinks of you as only a friend then perhaps (for the sake of your friendship) you might choose to not tell him how you feel about him. That would ultimately be up to you.

    I really hope this works out for you, good luck :slight_smile:
     
  11. Aniot

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    If you feel like you are lying to him and you cannot do that and you just what to get that over your chest, then start the conversation with saying that you really appreciate his friendship above all, and you want that what you are about to say does not affect your relationship with him. Then proceed to tell him that you are unsure about your sexuality because you like him.

    Personally I would do as I said before, but if you really want to tell him, them try to wait a little bit as he just found out that the person he liked does not feel the same, and he might feel a bit under pressure. But do as you thing is the best for you and your friendship with him.

    I wish you the best for this quest of yours, I truly do :slight_smile:
     
  12. kindy14

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    The whole story is so sweet. I hope things will work out for you.

    I would be honest with your BEST FRIEND in the world. I would also caution since you are in a period of discovery, saying you love him may or may not be the best way to put it.

    You've developed strong feelings for him, and that has you re-evaluating your sexuality. You are questioning not only your sexuality, but how you feel emotionally and romantically towards men and women in general. Include as much history as possible, make sure he know's it's not just about him.

    I would not take things further until your questioning is over. Hooking up with him casually, while experimenting/questioning, could really harm your friendship if that doesn't work for you.
     
  13. user123456

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    In your place, I would just tell him what you feel. You really have nothing to lose, he is gay so he will definitely not be offended by you liking him.

    Within the last year, I have confessed to my straight best friend that I like him, and he took it well, I got over the crush and we are even better friends now! I've also turned down a great girl friend of mine who was into me, but didn't know I wasn't really into girls. When I told her, she also took it well and we are still great friends :slight_smile: and you friend sounds really kind and understanding from what you say!

    There are, in my opinion, only two options as to how this can end - he will either like you back, and you will end up in a great relationship, or he won't like you back, but your friendship will only get better because you will be absolutely honest to each other :slight_smile:

    EDIT: Also as kindy above me said, take it slowly, don't tell him you think you love him. "Love" is a generally scary thing to say to others, even among straight people, as it puts a lot of pressure on the subject. Just tell him you've developped feelings for him that are more than friendship :slight_smile: if you ultimately end up together, you can tell him you love him in time.
     
    #13 user123456, Jan 14, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2015
  14. Nickinthemiddle

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    Wow, so awesome. He is the perfect person to talk to, about your feelings! You may just want to start out with, I have been having some feelings towards guys, and discuss that you think you aren't straight, and see how that goes before you tell him how you feel about him. Good luck, oh, and your parents are awesome :thumbsup:
     
  15. gogreen

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    Agree with others, just come out to him first and see how that goes! And keep us posted. Us lonely single people need to have some vicarious romance in our lives!
     
  16. LW995

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    I decided to wait for a little bit, taking in my parents advice, as they said they'd feel sorry if it really impacts our friendship in a negative way.

    Another week of school started and damn.. I notice now that I admitted it to myself, I find it easier to make gay jokes along with him, and also touch him more (uncounciously I might add).
    I almost slipped yesterday as we had a conversation about his family. He and his parents haven't really got a lot of aunts, grandparents and cousins left due to a really bad argument... His grandpa used to be an alcoholic and such, and from what I gathered his mom might have been mistreated when she was young. After all this I wanted to lighten up a little, so I was about to say
    "with all the trouble in your family it is so awesome you turned out as great as you did."
    But my mind then became so cluttered with all these thoughts, about how nice he always is to me, his cute smile whenever he finds something funny, and the cute fact he is a great singer but he won't admit it :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    All of these thoughts echoed at once and I kinda, embarrassed aborted the thought mid conversation... God I felt so shy and vunerable.. I was about to say he was the greatest guy I ever met.

    I think my parents are wrong, this isn't great friends or anything... I am so so in love with this guy and I am terrified of what will happen if I admit it :S
     
  17. Ditz

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    Follow your heart!!!
     
  18. LW995

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    Small update... I told one of my friends I have a crush on this guy.. She was surprised but also incredibly supportive. She told me we'd make a great couple... And also gave me some time on what I should tell if I come out to him.

    Also I really feel the pressure to tell him increasing as I had a sex dream about him a few days ago.. Ever since I admitted it I think about him a lot, since I am not blocking these thoughts...

    And on top of it he keeps talking about his crush, even though he turned him down he still has feelings for this guy... It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, as I'd hate to be his 'rebound guy'

    All in all, I plan to tell him asap, when we're just the two of us and we have plenty of time, no stress or appointments..
    I'll keep you guys updated
     
  19. LW995

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    I figured I should post an update here, since it has been a while and much has happened...

    2 days after my last post, on January 28th. I told him, I told him how he is the greatest guy in the world to me, that his smile melts my heart everytime... It took a lot of courage and he had to pull it out of me sometimes...

    He took it very well.. I stressed I knew I am really not his 'type' and that staying friends was very important to me. He agreed and after a rather touching goodbye with a hug, we parted ways and didn't speak for two days.

    Then, one evening, he started chatting with me on facebook, a little wierd as we hadn't spoken since I told him. But we talked like nothing had happened, like it made no difference that I had a huge crush on him. It felt great knowing our friendship could continue like that, and I am glad to have such a cool person as my best friend.

    Since then, we still hang out and/or talk everyday, and my crush on him is still there, but not nearly as strong as before. Since he's one of the few guys who knows I'm bi and he is gay himself, we spent nights talking about boys, celeb crushes and the like. I've come to realise I value him way more as a platonic friend than as a boyfriend, and I accepted we maybe were never meant to be a couple in the first place....

    Though I know part of me will always love him in that special way, I am strong enough to say no to those feelings, because I know deep down that's not what I want our relationship to be like :slight_smile:
     
  20. FancyGummy

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    Awesome! So glad you could stay friends... I got into the exact same situation as you, except that I told my crush at the end of high school... (not long before that she came out as being... Well, not exactly transgendered, more like gender fluid... Still loved her) and everyone knows how difficult it is to keep high school friends, even even you're besties. Haven't talked to her since. So happy that things turned out OK for you.