About a year-and-a-half ago, back when my Mom and I were driving home from my high school graduation banquet, I came out to her as trans after I couldn't take the anxiety any longer; Initially as genderqueer, as I wasn't completely sure at the time, but I did tell her flatly that I was transgendered. Looking back, this timing and my words during the drive were very poorly chosen, though I did so under great pressure and stress, and the event went over badly. I thought she would understand, but I was so wrong... My mom didn't take the news very well at all, and turned out to be a transphobe. When she dropped me off at my grand march recital the day after, her parting words to me were a scathing "Goodbye, Bob.". And for the next year-and-a-half, she acted with pure denial, as if nothing ever happened, and she would constantly attempt to subtly brainwash me into being her "little girl" again. Except that I was too scared of upsetting her again to say anything or remind her of that event. And whenever she does remember, she gets a thousand-yard-stare and goes quiet. I couldn't move out at the time, and I was trapped in silence and shame. My mental health is still not up to par. I was never in my life a confident, happy kid, always sort of a meek, sensitive type, and the event destroyed any self-esteem I had left. Our relationship was wrecked, and it was all my fault. I could have just said nothing. I feel like I'm a black sheep in my family, and I'm constantly guilty for coming out to my mom, for disrupting the harmony in my household and just being "different", to quote my mother. I acknowledge that none of these things my head is telling me are true, that I'm imagining worst-case scenarios that may not happen, and traits about me that are blown out of proportion... but the emotions are still present, and try as I might to convince myself that I am worthy and deserving, it all just seems to tumble back down like a Jenga tower. My coming out very deeply affected me for the worse. I'm afraid of coming out to the rest of my family, my friends, my dormmates, anyone, as I'm afraid that their reaction will be the same as my mom's, I'll face that rejection again, and I'll be left completely alone. I'm paralyzed by fear just thinking of the possible outcome. Which is why I'm so conflicted over my coming decision. In the time that's transpired I've come to the conclusion that I do indeed identify as male rather than genderqueer. I've done a lot of introspection and have given the subject great thought, and it feels like a puzzle piece I've been missing for years. Fundamentally right. The thought of me living as male bring me hope. I would be happier that I'd ever been in my life, finally feel confidence and self-worth. Be me, for once. It's actually really exciting, and it makes me smile just thinking of the future. I'm currently in college, and the town I'm in is very young and LGBTQ friendly, unlike my hometown. I'm feeling a little better, and working on plucking up the courage to express myself, but the emotions mentioned above sort of catch me at my throat whenever I think of saying something. I want to tell my mom, my family, and everyone who matters most to me that I identify as male, so that I can be free of that burden and eventually get on the road to transition. I just don't know how to come out again, and how to deal with the aftermath. It's my greatest obstacle. I don't want to be scared or hate myself anymore. I'm sick of the anxiety, I'm sick of the self-loathing, and I just want out of this stagnation. The first place I would start with with my college dormmates, I think. I'm in a very small residence, with 15 people at the maximum. We're very much like a close-knit family, and the closest friends I have here at school. If I get their support and acceptance, it would be a huge stepping stone. I just need a great deal of help on this. How do I come out to my friends, explain everything to them, deal with anything that might go wrong? How do I eventually face my mother and tell her how I feel, and what I want to do? What if her reaction is even worse? What if she disowns me? But, most importantly... how do I have confidence in myself? These aren't easy questions, I know... But they're the most pressing. Sorry for the long post, and the venting... TL;DR, and all that. And thank you.
Here are some resources for coming out: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/156085-i-just-im-kind-scared.html#4 The first pdf is for the british national health service, a reputable source. Many people now say being trans is biological, and its not at all your fault, nor their parents. There is nothing to be ashamed about, and you are simply taking steps to remedy the situation. Here is an easy adaptable story to explain: http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/mums-adventure.pdf Many people come out in a letter. There are some letters from transgender people coming out on EC. What might help is the comparison to a twin: this is only a part of your personality, you will stay the same, you will be like your male twin. You might play a bit with hairstyle and clothing style... sweaters one or two sizes bigger, unisex or mens jeans, etc... what you feel comfortable with... there are threads on clothing for ftm... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony.../147192-transitioning-where-do-i-start.html#4 Here are some more resources: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gende...nformative-threads-links-gender-identity.html You might also for example talk to a gender therapist, a counselor from college or someone from an lgbt center, if that's what you want... saying you want some counseling... I would do things I'm comfortable with, don't feel pressured to do something... its your decision... There is no only one right way to do this. Its your choice what you want to do... You might look for support groups, maybe in your local lgbt center... and build some community on EC, for now you can chat with others via wall messages, after 14 days you can apply for full membership and join the chat and send private messages... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/164130-other-trans-friends.html I'd say take the time you need... if you have questions, ask, people here will support you... (*hug*)
Thank you very much for your advice and support. I'll look this over. But... what should I do if I get a negative reaction from my mom, dad, or anyone else I come out to?
Then you get a negative reaction. You can't change their minds, only they can. The only thing you can do is take pride in yourself for being brave enough to tell them. Is there one person...ok, is there a person in you dorm of 15 who you absolutely positively know you can trust? Like, they would jump in front of a bullet for you kind of trust. Start by asking them what their opinions on trans people are. If negative, then don't tell'em. If positive, ask what they would do if, say, mutual friend Cindy from the neighboring dorm was trans. If still positive, ask them what their reaction would be if you were trans. After the first person, have her with you when you ask the next person, and those two people with you when you ask the next person, ad domino effect. Also, make sure after the first person, which should be a serious conversation, to keep it casual. Some reactions are fueled by fear. Fear is caused by ignorance. Counter ignorance with intelligence. You have an entire internet to explore to show that what you are is natural, no matter what anybody else says. Heck, you have an entire forum! Go for it! We're here for ya no matter what! At the end of the day, I feel that you're friends will be there for you. They may even joke about it. I'm positive that you won't need it, but good luck! Keep us posted!
So I came out today to a good friend of mine at my residence, one of the proctors... It went over very well; She was very calm and understanding, and mentioned that in my residence, most of the people here are either on the LGBTQ spectrum or in full support of it, so that's got me feeling a little better... I'm still very wired, though. I may not sleep well tonight.
