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Why do I feel like this?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kh23172, Oct 26, 2008.

  1. kh23172

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    In the last two months.. I've done a lot it seems.


    I came out..

    I met this guy named Ian, which was a total bust. He was, frankly, a whore, a slut, a druggie, a moron, an idiot, and everything that I am not. He was a very bad choice of boyfriends, especially when he was the first one in awhile. I thankfully never did anything sexual with him, but he did do me some justice. He gave me the courage to come out, and I thank him for that everyday, to myself. I broke up with him after 5 days.. :confused:

    I met this guy named Jason. Things were good for a few weeks, but he lived too far. He was sort of too young for me anyways. I was always the one driving. Honestly, it was just too much literal effort for me to keep the relationship going. We mutually decided to break up.


    During this entire time, I've become pretty good friends with this guy named Eric. He is a foreign exchange student at my school, and is in my AP Physics B class. He is everything that I have ever looked for in a guy, and the more time we spend together the more I legitamently fall in love with him. I told him that I was gay, anticipating that he would accept it because he is from Europe, and he did, thankfully. Although, he hasn't been a jerk and made it "clear" that he is straight, but he is. He's not a jerk to be like "dude, im straight". But, I do make fun of him and we make jokes about things. He has this jacket from Puma that has sort of "rainbow" stripes on the sleeves and I told him that's his gay jacket, and he said "noooo.. haha". He's fun, and I love him a lot. But, he's straight, of course..

    Generally, I am just stuck between a rock and a hard place. I really did like Ian, and he was great except for all of the bad stuff. Jason was okay, but a very unfulfilling relationship. I'm not looking for sex at all, instead I really want a legitament relationship where sex doesn't have to be prevalent. Most couples my age wait months before they have sex.. and why can't it be like that for gay boys? Oh wait.. most of them are sluts! As so sad and obnoxious as it is to say, it is most definately true. Here at EC though, I'm thankful to find that most of the guys are not. Thank god. But really, my whole point is that I'm starting to feel like I always have to have a guy there.. and I feel myself getting sort of desperate at times, wanting to just date someone. I just don't know what to do, and it's very frustrating. No matter how much I tell myself no, my thoughts and feelings for Eric continue to grow. When he moves back to Germany at the end of the school year.. I'm going to have a meltdown..and cry a lot. Any advice? :eusa_doh:
     
  2. kristi

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    Eric sounds like a great friend. You just need to remember that's ALL he is, a FRIEND. He's straight, and you should respect that and be grateful for your great friendship.

    As for always feeling like you need to have a guy... Why? Learn to enjoy your own company, and the company of your friends. When you are content with yourself, the right guy will come into your life. Just have some patience.

    I can tell you from my own painful experience that trying to force a relationship when I was not ready was disaster. Now I have a bunch of wreckage to clean up and might lose this person as a friend.

    Work on yourself first, be happy with yourself, you'll be amazed at how much that will enhance your attractiveness. Practice some patience, and the right guy will come your way. Good luck!
     
  3. kh23172

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    Hm, sounds like good advice.. and some that I should listen to.. thanks :slight_smile:

    ugh, but as much as you say that Eric is just a friend, my heart doesn't want to listen to that. A part of me wants to believe that he'll want to be with me if i were to tell him how i feel, because he would see that i really care for him, etc.. but i don't know if he's THAT emotionally aware. Sadly. :frowning2: I love him a lot, maybe I should just let him know somehow, in a non-seductive way, because I really do. My feelings could go either way.. as a friend, or not. It's such a complex relationship. Poop.
     
  4. xequar

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    Didn't you say he was straight?

    I tend to agree with kristi on this one. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you can go for a relationship with someone else. If you go after a relationship and you're not comfortable with yourself enough to spend an evening alone, it WILL show and it will doom the relationship before it ever has a chance to go anywhere.

    One thing about my own personality that I've gained control of is my need for transparency and honesty. I think it's a combination of my very Sagittarius outlook on life combined with wasting all of my "disguise" energy on 25 years in the closet, but the bottom line is that for me, I find being honest with people, having all the cards on the table, as it were, is the best way to deal with the situation. I have a very straight roommate (who's also my best friend), and my very straight roommate knows that I find him attractive and would totally have my way with him if he were gay. We both respect each other, and we both know that I would never try anything, and having everything out there has immensely made things better. My roommate isn't sitting there worrying that his gay roommate is looking at him with devious thoughts, and I know exactly where our boundaries are.

    My advice-be honest and very considerate of him and his comfort level. If you have everything out there, he and you can both move past the "I'm crushing on my straight friend" stage and hopefully be even better friends as a result.
     
  5. Mirko

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    Hi there! I know it can be tough going through the feelings that you are experiencing. Here you have some who is a wonderful person and seems to inspire something in you that it others may could not. I think it is normal to have that reaction as you are looking for someone to love you back and to show similar feelings. I think what might help is if you try telling yourself that even though the end result is not going to be something that you want, you can still be friends with him. It sounds like that Eric is a great person and you two get along very well. try to see him as a really good friend. Make it a point to get to know him.

    I think telling him might not accomplish much, because (and as you have said yourself) he is straight. I think if you tell him at this stage, you might just setting yourself up for even more emotional distress as in some ways you already know what the answer is going to be. But hearing it out loud from him, might just be difficult to take.

    It seems that you have gone through a lot in this last little while. You have come out, and you already had a couple of experiences trying to establish relationships. It might be good if you take it a bit slower. Going from one thing to the next can be exciting but it can also become overwhelming very fast. You have only come out recently, and there might still be some issues/things that you are still trying to understand. Maybe try taking it slower. As the others have said, try to understand yourself before taking the next big step. Maybe it would be a good idea to take a step back for now

    When you try to develop a relationship, take it slow. Get to know the other person and give the other person a chance to get to know you. Try not to rush into things. Take it one step at a time as it were.

    Hope this helps a bit!
     
  6. Gumtree

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    You're not getting anywhere with Eric unless your ASK him outright if he is straight or gay/bi.

    Tis obvious that although you believe he is straight you're still not 100% sure, and that's enough to give you hope and stop you from moving on.

    Dependancy is a problem all of us go through at times, some people spend half their lives clung to one person or another then can't stand relationships anymore. Things change, what you want in people change and the people availible change; especially at your age.
     
  7. kh23172

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    Thanks guys :slight_smile: I talked to Eric today, but not about any of this, haha. It was just our normal day-to-day talks so.. nothing too fancy. But, I always do like talking to him. Something in him does inspire me, I just don't know what; I definately just cannot ignore that fact. I think it might be just a good idea for me take it slow and treasure my friendships that I have now.. instead of wanting a romantic relationship. :slight_smile: Life is so darn complex :S
     
  8. krazykyle

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    The right relationship will come in time.
     
  9. Mickey

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    Accept that he is straight,just like you want to be accepted as gay.
    I understand the crush thing,but you have to draw the line.
    He sounds like a good friend,something you don't want to screw up.
    Just accept the limitations. Keeping the crush to yourself would be the right thing
    to do,in this case. Enjoy your friendship,but let it stay...at friendship.
     
  10. acorn7

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    I really agree with Gumtree. As long as there is still hope, it'll be hard to move on from your crush on him. Even if there is none, it's hard, so imagine if there is...

    Personally, I've always wanted total transparency, so I came out to both the straight guys I had a crush on. One of them I barely knew and he was freaked out and he never talked to me again (well, a few words...), but I didn't care because he wasn't a friend anyway, and in retrospect, it was the right thing to do — risky though!

    The other was on the other hand a really good friend, but I knew it would be OK for me to tell him I did have a crush on him. I gave him plenty of hints first anyway, and as I liked him more and more I made it clear to him. So it wasn't a surprise. And he's still my best guy friend, even though he's 100% straight.

    (Interesting thing: he admitted to me a few months after than we he knew I *liked* him, he really asked himself if he was gay and if he could do it. He wasn't and isn't :wink: But he actually asked himself and then told me after, so that was like 200% transparency and it was really cool. I recently told him "It's too bad you're not gay..." and he replied "If I was we would've been going out since the beginning of the summer". Awwww...)

    Oh, well this was totally off topic... But my advice would be: ask yourself how he would react if you told him you like him. It's your call, but if you do it in a neutral, "masculine" way (lol... like not girlish way with flowers and crap like that), he should be OK with it (and flattered, let's face it). It's a question of trust and how open he is to gays. And if *you* don't make a big deal out of it, he won't either.
     
  11. kh23172

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