how to explain my irritibality without coming out?

I have struggled with issues with my sexuality for most of my life and it’s been getting harder to deal with ever since about a year and a half ago. I got really depressed and I had problems with anxiety and falling/staying asleep. This combination of anxiety and not sleeping also included denial about being gay up until 2 ½ months ago. My world crumbled, my grades dropped, I couldn’t eat and I looked to doctors to help me feel better. The medicine only made me worse, more suicidal. I got off the meds and felt better and I finished the school year and thankfully passing all my classes.

I started this thinking about how great it was going to be to be graduating, a year early even. But now I’m fearful that I’m slowly slipping back to the depths of my depression. Now I don’t stay up late trying to ignore the thoughts that I believed made me dirty and damaged, I’m thinking about how many people will hate me if I admit that I’m gay.

I am out to 6 people, and each of them has been really supportive, but I knew they would be when I thought about whom to tell. I haven’t told my parents or my younger sister yet because I’m afraid of what their reaction will be. I don’t have very good relationships with any of them, but I have the best one with my mom. I feel bad keeping my secret from my family, but I’m also terrified at how they could react.

Now that I have accepted myself, I have realized that my view on life has to change; I have to be aware that I will face people who don’t approve and I will have to consider different options for having kids. All this thinking about my present and my future happens while I go through life day to day, going to a homophobic school. It’s hard to embrace so many changes in my life when I have support from only one person who I see every day and she isn’t in any of my classes. This lack of support coupled with my lack of sleeping makes me feel so lost and so alone and really irritable.

I know that I get mad really easily and I feel helpless when trying to explain myself. I feel bad yelling at my little sister, but she picks at me every day even though I tell her to stop. The only defense I have is to yell at her, scare her and make her mad. I try to explain to her that I have a lot of shit going on in my life right now and I need her to chill. She just tells me that she has crap to worry about too and she makes it seem like what she’s going through is more important that what I’m going through, I just feel very invalidated. I suppose that she could have the same feelings of loneliness and worthlessness that I’m having regardless of if she’s gay or straight, but I think that she is just being over dramatic and making her life seem more important than everyone else’s.

Is there a way to get through to my family that I’m not being a jerk; I’m just having problems sorting through some things, without coming out to them? I’m planning on telling my mom, and maybe even my dad, but I don’t plan on telling my little sister; somehow I don’t think she would understand, or care really.

 

Well, I don’t really know either of my parents’ views on homosexuality. I came out to my older sister and we talked and she thinks that my dad might be more accepting than my mom because my mom was brought up Catholic and he was into theater in college so he most likely came into contact with gay people from that. The only thing is, I’ve never really been on speaking terms with my dad, we can get along ok, but we don’t share our feelings and hold hands singing kumbaiah or anything. It seemed like it would be easier to tell my mom, but after she said that she would hope that I thought a girl was hotter than a boy I’m not so sure. It could have just been a poor attempt at a joke, but it really bugged me.

I agree with you that I shouldn’t tell my sister. She is 14 and she seems to want the world to revolve around her. I just want to be able to explain certain things to her like why I’m so grouchy all the time and why I hate the song Ur So Gay by Katy Perry.

I wish that I could come out to everyone and have only one thing change, that feeling that I have to lie to everyone every day of my life, that chain holding back my freedom. Too bad being truthful in this sense would attract people not meaning well at all. Hiding myself for 15 or 16 hours a day is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it doesn’t seem like that charade will be ending soon

 

!!!!I TOLD MY MOM!!!!
She was very ok with it and although it was kind of awkward, it's nice knowing that she knows and it doesnt change a thing. She told me that she wondered if I was gay, but she just figured that I would tell her when I was ready. She said that one of her friends from college is a lesbian and when she found her after all the years of not being in college she told my mom that she was gay and that she would understand if she didnt want to talk to her, but she did talk to her still. My mom also mentioned that she has a cousin who is a lesbian and she knows that it can be hard because after she came out some of her family stopped talking to her, even people she was close to. She said it doesnt change how she thinks of me, but she will worry about me being gay in this horribly homophobic school that I go to.

She also told me that I could talk to her about anything I wanted/needed to, but she understands that there are some things that I wouldnt want to talk about with my mom, haha. She told me that my dad wouldnt love me any less if I told him, and she said that she wouldnt tell him unless I asked her to.

The things that surprised me were that she has a gay cousin, and that she made the connection between me questioning my sexuality and being depressed. I knew my mom was smart, but I didnt think that she would make that leap without me prompting it.

So all in all I'm pretty happy, even though I know that its going to be a long and hard road ahead; Im glad that my mom knows and she didnt make it too weird.