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Advice needed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by newby1991, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. newby1991

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    Hello everyone

    I am taking big scary leap here and trying to connect with this community. So far I have been reading plenty of very good threads. I don't mean to devalue those threads by creating another one, but I wish to share my story. Talking about it seems to relieve stress for me.

    I first realized I may not be straight when 13. I thought it was a phase and just ignored it. I have been trying ignoring it up to a few weeks ago now (a total of 10 years trying to ignore it). I have had the occasional crush on a female I was younger then 13, 'kiddy crushes'. But have never had one since on a female. I did try force myself once. But I ended up just bailing on that idea. As a result I have never had a relationship before with anybody. Partly because I am scared and also naturally shy and reserved.

    From this I am not happy. I have been suffering depression for last 5 years, become very isolated and sheltered and developed mild OCD. Effectively I have been trying to hide myself in fear of the reality.

    But I have decided this needs to change. I am not happy with myself, I feel my depression getting worse and I fear how far that may take me. I even consdiered drinking alcohol by myself the other night, something that I never do. I maybe drink 3 drinks a year and all socially. Never by myself. This is not a normal behavior for me. I have been seeing a counselor for the last 3 weeks now as a attempt to try sort myself out.

    Now my first question going through my head is, am I actually gay? I have never had a relationship before. So do I really know? The facts suggest I am gay, I do not have interests in females. Yet I am very socially awkward around females anyway. Is my shyness and awkwardness confusing me? or is this just my brain trying to trick me because I want to be straight. I want to be 'normal', suit the expectations of society.

    Next issue is, why do I fear being gay? well two reason. What would my family think? and two does that mean I cannot have a child of my own.

    Finally, what do I do next? In the welcome thread a kind person, Andrei, suggested small baby steps. So should I go to a gay friendly club and see for myself? meet some people? or?

    I would be interested to see if anybody here was or is like me and if you have any advice on the above issues.
     
    #1 newby1991, Jan 17, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2015
  2. Chiroptera

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    Hey Newby. Let me try to shed some light on this:

    Only you can answer that question. Think about yourself. Do you feel attracted to women? Do you fantasize about them? What about men, any attraction? Do you fantasize about them? Peraphs you feel attracted to both men and women? Or none of them?

    Don't worry about labels. Just think about these questions. Be calm, do it slowly, there is no need to rush.
    Not really a question, but some advice: This is about you and yourself. Do not worry about what others might think about you. Being gay is normal and there is nothing wrong about it.

    For now, worry about yourself.

    Before metting some people, try coming out to yourself first. If you start meeting people right away, you may get more confused. For instance, you may go to a gay bar, look at everyone there and think "wow, i'm not like these people, this means i'm not gay!", when peraphs these people fitted in some kind of stereotype and you don't (or the opposite).

    In some sites that give advice, meeting people is the last step. I agree that you should come out to yourself first, if you indeed conclude you aren't straight.

    I recommend that you take a look at the resources page.

    Empty Closets - Stages of Coming Out

    emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources.php

    Have i helped? Feel free to ask for more advice, or tell me/us if something is still not clear!

    Hugs
     
  3. HunGuy

    HunGuy Guest

    I can relate to your experiences. For a long time I thought that I was interested in males just because I couldn't talk to girls, but looking back I realized that I have always been attracted to men. You don't have to be in a relationship to know which sex you're attracted to. Your fears of being gay are not something to take lightly. If your family is generally close-minded, then it might be a wise choice to keep it a secret until you are confident enough to come out to them.
    I can't say anything clever to the other two questions. The biggest 'next step' for me was joining EC.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    It's good that you created this thread. Even though other people have been through experiences like you describe and may be able to relate very well, it does help to actually share your own thoughts and feelings. It's good to say it and release some of the tension.

    It's true that you don't need to experience intimacy with someone of the same sex to know you are gay, but it is worth considering the questions about where your attraction really lies. Do you find yourself attracted to guys? This is the best way to know if you are gay.

    Like you, I was in my early twenties when I finally came to terms with my sexuality and began the process of coming out and like you, I asked myself lots of questions as I struggled to come to terms with my feelings. The good news is that I am in a long term relationship with plans to get married very soon. Even though you are depressed about this situation, it can be turned around.

    It's normal to have fears, but these are best addressed when you have finally come to terms with who you are and how you feel. Focus on that for now and we can help you to face the fears and big questions about coming out to other people if/when you are ready.

    Check out the resources and ask more questions if you need to. It's good to see you joining in and we're all here for you. (*hug*)
     
  5. mangotree

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    What did your counsellor say when you asked them the same questions?
     
  6. gasian

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    As for the child issue, three-ish options:

    Surrogate: you hire a person to have your child.

    Adoption: Not going to be your biological child, but still your child through love.

    ??: I read up on something about taking a person's skin cells and turning them back into egg cells. One person, would then donate sperm to make a baby that's biologically you and your partners. This is still very new, and I'm not sure if it's even happened yet. Google 'can two guys have a baby' and read up on it...I'm still a bit confused on all of this...
     
  7. newby1991

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    Thank you Chiroptera, very good advice and resource page. I did search that area, but must of missed the steps page.

    Thank you HunGuy. I think my head is trying to deny it the best it can.

    Thank you Patrick, knowing that you experienced a similar journey gives some comfort.

    Mangotree: What did my counselor say?
    He asked me obvious questions, have you every been attracted to males? have you every been attracted to females? He asked me to share some more thoughts on specific 'facts' about myself and asked me does any of them support being straight. Without boring you with details the answer of my 'facts' was no none support that I am straight, just the mere desire to be straight.

    To date it seems I am half accepting now. We then talked about the next stage being who I am and do what I want. He said I obviously face two big issues that make me scared, which I would have to deal with in the future (at my own choosing), that most people like myself face - telling family and having my own family. He didn't sugar coat it, he said hard decisions will need to be made and there is some risk. I back tracked and said I cannot have that. So we talked about my depression and its effects. He then swung it back on me and said is it now worth the risk?

    Obviously that is a very very brief summary. It mostly consisted of him asking questions and me answering.

    Am I confident on the answers now? not still not. A lot of working out to do. It seems this forum may fill in some gaps for me. Thoughts?
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    How would you feel about describing those two big fears to us in more detail? Can you tell us what goes through your mind as you think about coming out to your family.. and maybe (or maybe not) having a family of your own? I know it's not easy to say things that have been hidden away inside, but it may help you to share it with us and find out how we dealt with similar issues.