So, I have been dating a guy in the closet for about 3 months. I am the first guy he has ever dated. I am the first guy he has done anything with, we haven't had sex though. He is 23. We have great times together, talk all the time, we have an amazing connection but...he is having a rough time with everything... So, he questions everything. He is a worry wart and has anxiety about the whole gay thing. He told me that he feel awkward when he goes to touch me down there. I was wondering if this is just because of the anxiety or maybe if he doesn't feel sexually attracted to me... everything else is there. We can't keep our faces away from each other and we seem to be drawn to each other...but I just don't know if this awkwardness is because of how new everything is or if maybe he just isn't attracted to me. He tells me he is and that he finds me sexy...so it just doesn't add up. I have posted on here before. When we broke up once. He seems to feel better about at least coming out to his co workers. But, we had a rough patch talking about sex the other night. He still doesn't feel comfortable with anal and says he will probably never do oral because the thought just disgusts him. I have been patient (and continue to be) about everything. Sometimes my patients wears thin, because I am only human. So he ended things. Yet, we still talk everyday again... he sends me mixed signals all the time. He even forgot we weren't dating and still has feelings for me.. he keeps saying that he thinks he is going to mess everything up in the end. He says he feels like he needs experience with others but that he wouldn't even pursue anything if he was single. He sends me mixed signals. i know it is only because he is going crazy in his mind about everything. One minute he thinks he should have more experience and the next he tells me that he only really wants a gay friend who he can confide in (not me someone else). just so he can have someone to talk to about the stuff between me and him and everything else about coming out and being gay. He gets so sad when we break up and he hurts. But, he is the one who ends things. Yet, he wants to talk all the time still and still flirts with me and wants to see me. It all hurts me. Here I am am being supportive through all of this. Being his friend even when we aren't together. Being patient with him coming out, all the sexual anxiety, the back and forth nature of our relationship and I feel exhausted. Everyone says I should leave him alone. He is confused. He isn't out and that this is all destroying me. But, I really don't want to lose him. I know the connection we have and when we are together I can feel the connection. He feels it too, it is just clouded with all of this anxiety over everything. I can't keep letting myself get hurt because he doesn't know what he is doing form one minute to the next. But, I want to be with this guy, more than anything in this world. Everything is usually good for a month and then one night he will over think everything and get so scared and become so anxiety ridden, that he feels the best option is to retreat. Am I being selfish in wanting to make this work? Should I just be his friend and let him go. Let him get this experience he says he thinks he wants but yet he probably won't go for? Should I give him time to think all of this through? Should I run away? Should I wait for him? I know what I want to do...but I don't know what I should do....
Gosh, I wish I had someone as supportive as you before coming out. Have you considered the possibility that the tension caused by the anxiety/closetedness and your "connection" are one and the same feeling? (or at least closely linked) Do you think you'd still have the close bond that you have if he was out of the closet i.e. less anxious about it?
You're awesome! When I come out, I hope that if I ever find a partner, he'll be as loving as your are right now to your boyfriend! Yeah your patience wears thin, but whose doesn't? Just be a little bit more patient? If he doesn't want to do anything, don't pressure him, as this could confuse him even more. Yeah, sex is supposedly proof of how much you love each other, but maybe he just doesn't want any? Just cuddling and not asking for sex for a while seems like a good starting point. As for the sex. Frot. I'm not going any further. Wikipedia's there for a reason:icon_redf . For the whole separation, maybe...just maybe.... give him a weekend or something to sort out his feelings? Is there a time when you can just not see each other? Y'know, is there a reason why he's not out? Is he scared of social repercussions? Internalized homophobia? IDK this guy, but maybe just talk it out with him? This guy sounds like an incessant worrywart. The best way I know how to cure those type of people at my school, is to just keep them in reality (deep snogging session maybe??). They say that if you love something, to let it go, and it'll come back to you. Refer to the whole separation thing above... Then again, this is coming from an 18 year old in the closet...so take this as you will...
hey guys! Well, I had him come over last night. Before he did, I wrote everything I was feeling down. When he got here. We sat on the couch and I had him listen to me. Everything went really well. We got to the root of the problem and are back together. He is not ready to come out yet. He has a lot of anxiety about the subject. But, last night and the past few weeks I have noticed how tired he is of not being out. He is making the steps he needs to make (himself). I tell him that it is his own journey. I don't care when he comes out as long as he does it on his own time. For his own reasons. The sex thing is apart of the anxiety he faces with being gay. That is the conclusion we came to. I am just happy to have him back in my life. When we are broken up, it sucks. i can't concentrate on things I need to do and I just think of him. So, now I can focus on the things I need to get done with work and such.
