Guy in Late 20s, Scared but Ready to Come Out

Let me provide my story to help you out.

I was raised much the same way, that homosexuality/bisexuality were sins. I tried for many years to suppress it. I decided after I was let go from a job and faced depression and sought professional help that it was time to get real. I took baby steps at first. I came out to that therapist first. The next person was a pastor who put on a play about loving gay people etc., then my cousin. All 3 had positive reactions for the most part. The 4th was my brother, 5th was my one aunt and so on..

Yes, I was 31 and coming out to all these people as who I really am, a bi male.

In your case, you may want to come out to other people who you know have been supportive of gay rights. Maybe an aunt or uncle? A cousin? You know your family circle the best. I would caution against coming out to your gf first because it could be the hardest. I wouldn't want her reaction to scare you from coming out to others. Get a solid circle together first, THEN come out to her if the crap hits the fan.

I am 31 and only was with one guy secretly in high school. I haven't had sex in 12 years. I just met someone on a dating site that is a virgin and is my age! And yes, we want a serious relationship. So yes, they/we are out there. People come out at all ages and stages. Check out, "LGBT later in life" for more examples.

There are guys like me that are STD phobic that don't want their man to have been with 30 people.

Being late to the party is better than never to have shown up at all.
You can go to a coffee shop, bookstore, dinner, art gallery, library, opera etc. Find a common interest and go from there.

---------- Post added 21st Jan 2015 at 01:54 AM ----------

Oh, and welcome to EC!

 

Hi Newkid87,
Being the same age as you and having only recently come out, I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. Did the whole distance thing with a girl, which went on far longer than it should have - partly because I preferred the safety of being in a straight relationship rather than letting the world know who I really was/am. A lot of your situation is all too familiar.

If you want to chat more, feel free to send a private message my way.

You'll find there are some great stories & advice on this forum, read as much as you can.

 

Welcome to EC! :smilewave:

Also: congratulations already on coming out to yourself and to your sister! If you ask me, those are some of the most important and difficult steps to take on the way out of the closet.

I'll start off by saying that 27 is in no way too late to come out. (Well, I'm biased. I was 26 when I came out )
Sure, you're going to meet people who were out since they were 14 and have all of those anecdotes about what being out since your teen years is like. And sometimes that may feel like you were wasting your time when they were living the out life.
But one of the most important things I learned is that you shouldn't see any part of your life as "waste". You weren't out, but you weren't just lying in your bed either. You did tons of other stuff, and a lot of it is just as valuable as experience with the gay community.

I'm not going to lie: there are indeed people out there who insist on extensive experience. And some of them even say up front that they don't want to "waste their time".
But... I'm also not really sure you want to date those people, even if you have tons of experience. What else is a relatuionship than wasting time together in a fun way? And insisting on experience makes it sound like they're having an opening for a job, not for a boyfriend. So if you meet people like that, and they reject you, don't take it as rejection. Take it as a sign they weren't worth your time in the first place.

So: if it comes up, be honest, but not apologetic. Your experience is what it is, and if they see that as a problem, fine!
Finally, I think you're selling yourself short. You have experience in relationships. Just not with guys. But dating guys is not completely different from dating girls. OK, in the bedchamber the blumbing is different , but the game of compromise and give-and-take, the interplay between serious, joking, and flirty, the need to communicate: that's all there just as much when dating guys as when dating girls.
Most of what you learned from your LDR with that girl might be of help here!


Of course, all of the above is of import once you start being out and meeting guys. So for now I would also say you shouldn't worry about it too much. You can do things one step at a time, and you shouldn't worry about 50 steps down the road. You can learn to run only after you learned how to walk.


Coming out is something that is, IMO, best done in moderation. Don't feel obliged to come out to friends and family and LDR girlfriend and colleagues etc. alll in one fell swoop. Not even in one week or month. Identify people who you think will be accepting and come out to them first. Build a support network with those people. Inform them when you're dealing with the harder nuts to crack, and they can give advice and support and a pat on the back.
Also, they can be good confidence builders when going out into the gayer parts of town. I would have never dared to enter a gay bar if it weren't for my friends cheering me on.

As for meeting other gay guys to date... maybe it's best to focus first on meeting other gay guys, full stop.
You seem to already know where some of them are to be found, but it might also be worthwhile to look up if there's any groups you could join. As in: non-dating-oriented groups. There's coming-out groups, discussion groups, hobby groups, etc. The benefit of those being that you are just meeting people with no expectations beyond just hanging out and getting to know each other over a shared hobby/interest. You've spent 27 years in the closet, so spending a few weeks to months just getting to know people before dating them is not going to make much difference in timeframe, and it WILL make all the difference in making new friends and fitting in.


I am writing a novel here (as I usually do xD), so I'll stop. The tldr is: no, you're not too late. Nor are you early. You came out exactly when you needed to! And with some help from friends and EC, I'm sure you'll do swimmingly!

 

Glad my post was able to help; and by all means, hit me up. I was very much "in your shoes" not that long ago so I've got a pretty good idea of what you're going through, as do a lot of the other forum members.

 

I'm 35 and I'm still coming out to people. I find the best method is to be direct.

No you are not too late. If they are the right person it doesn't matter.

 

Hi newkid. I can relate to alot of what you say. It's early for me too, and you are staring a a few years younger than I did, but still I can see similarities with my own experiences.

You've gotten some good advice already. Feel free to just take an outward step every once in a while when you feel you are ready for that step. For me I think a key is continuing to think about things in a productive way most every day. That's where the necessary internal progress is made, just a little day by day, and with that you will find that you somehow become really ready for outward steps along the way.

For me EC has been really great at that, even when I'm not posting a ton but just lurking and reading about other people's experiences. It allows me to relate a lot of their situations and other people's good advice back to myself, and just thinking about these issues in a healthy way consistently can really lead to significant progress over time I've found.

As far as dating or just getting to know people, my best advice to you is to just try as best you can to make peace with yourself. With the fact that you are gay, with your relative inexperience, all of it. Try to find ways to seek out people who genuinely interest you and value the same things you do in life, and try to approach those new relationships with optimism and honesty. If topics come up like how early in the coming out process it is for you and your lack of experience, be as honest about it as you can be, but don't be apologetic.

I'm really early in the process myself, but have started meeting a few people, and I've taken that approach as best I can. Maybe I've gotten unreasonably lucky early on (probably so!), but I can tell you that if you can find the right people, they will definitely respond positively to someone who is just trying to be genuine to themselves and is honest and open about who they are and where they are right now.

It's definitely not too late. It's never too late. Good luck!

 

Oh, just a technical note on how the forum runs: you can't send PMs to just anyone until you're a full member (which requires a posting history of at least 50 posts over 2 weeks).

You can go to another persons profile and post a wall message, though.

And, as per the big red warning on top of the forum: no sharing of contact info in any public part of the site is allowed!

 

NO ! Never too late!! :icon_bigg

 

I'm 25 almost 26 and in the same boat. I wish I would have came out sooner. I feel like I'm never going to find anyone because I'm too chicken to go to a gay bar or even try dating sites. I've never had sex or a serious relationship and don't know how to handle one.

I'm not sure where in NY you are but I live in a small city upstate where being gay is looked down upon. Sometimes I feel like packing my bags and moving to the city even if it means living in a closet sized apartment just so I can have more opportunities to meet guys.

If you need someone to talk to message me!

 

I'm turning 25 soon and I'm not out of the closet yet.
And there's no right age to come out.
Maybe now that you have your foot in the door, you can come out to a person a week?
If that seems too fast, maybe once a month?

You got this! Super proud and envious of you (but mostly proud) (*hug*)

 

I'm 27, and I'm in the process of coming out too. Everyone has their own reasons why it is so hard... but for me at lest, it has been worth it. Keep going, and best of luck. You know where to find us if you need to talk about anything!

 

Since I don't know if PM'ing will be an option, I'll just address a bit of this here:

1. Long Distance thing: you're going to have to break it off at some point. As much as I hate to say it, that isn't a relationship. It's a friendship. Long distance relationships can work, but it's rare that they do, unless you're making frequent trips to see each other. Plus, it isn't fair to her if she is sitting in waiting for you guys to move the relationship along to the next level. Like I said, I've been there, and the relationship happened over a span from when I really started questioning my sexuality to fully realizing I was gay. This may or may not be the case for you, but for me it was a way to pretend I had a regular relationship and not move on with my life.

2. Dating: The only way for you to go about this is just to do it. It's the only way you can gain experience. I'd recommend finding out a popular dating site or 2 in your area and create a profile. Start messaging a few people you think you might be interested in, and see what happens. Just be ready for rejection and half of the people out there not responding or losing interest quickly. Internet dating has it's pros and cons, but is still a great way to start meeting people and getting your feet wet.

Regarding the "I'm a loser for waiting so long," I'll admit, one guy I dated had an issue with me waiting so long to date guys. Most, however are fine with it. And besides as you start to meet and date new people, that stigma will slowly start to melt away.

Wanting fun or a boyfriend: I'm much more of a long-term single-partner guy, but that doesn't have to be you. The odd sexual fling might be just what the doctor ordered for you. Or being with someone who cares for you more long term might better suit your needs, it's hard to say. Personally, I prefer the safety of knowing someone at least for a few dates and feeling like you can trust them. Whichever option you chose, for the love of god, be safe!:eusa_danc

3. You're not too late! Better late than never is a phrase for a reason. Sure, it can be argued you lost out on some dating experience in your late teens and 20s, but now's the perfect time to catch up. Look for groups to join, perhaps there's a gay bowling league in your area, LGBT support group, go to pride if your city's big enough...

Some guys WILL be turned off by inexperience. Rejection and some awkwardness comes with the territory of dating - gay or straight. But the more you try it and the more you get yourself out there, the easier it becomes. Plus, it will open you to new experiences and will allow you to grow as a person. Take it slow, and again, be safe.

 

Well NewKid, I think you'll be just fine. If it makes you feel any better, I'm just coming out at 61. I can relate to your feelings of wasted opportunities!

On Thursday night I attended a panel discussion at the local LGBT center on the response of the gay community in the early days of the Aids epidemic. I originally went thinking that it might be a great way to meet some guys my own age, but what really happened was that I began to feel terrible that these brave men and women on the panel had been risking everything to fight the disease, the stigma, and to bring help and comfort to their friends and lovers who were dying, often alone, and there I was, hiding in the closet, afraid to come out and join them.

I didn't feel unworthy to be there because I was inexperienced with guys, I felt unworthy because I had been too cowardly to openly admit that I was gay. It was a humbling experience to say the least. I hope to find someone, even at my age, that I can share the rest of my life with. More than that though, I hope I can be a better person than I was.

 

Newkid, First of all, congrats on coming out! The first time, if you come out to the right person, it can feel really amazing yet I'll bet emotionally taxing. Your first major step forward

LDR: I'll be honest, the last 6 months we hardly spoke. Both were working crazy hours & had a lot going on in our personal lives and I think by that point we'd both moved on in our minds, but neither wanted to make the end official. She caught me off guard (though I was ready for it) the final time I went to visit her & said she wanted to end the relationship. I said fine, hugged her goodbye & left. She was leaving for Japan to teach (I think she still lives there?). I wasn't out to anyone by that point & didn't want to ruin what we had so I just left, she unfriended me from Facebook and we never spoke again. To this day I have no idea if she knows.

If I did come out to her, what I would have told her is that me being gay is in no way her fault or her doing. A friend of mine just had a girl he dated for a while come out to him as a lesbian. Even though intellectually he knows she was always was, he still can't escape the feeling it was partly his doing. If/when you come out to your long distance lady, tell her the truth & assure her of that fact. I'd explain it as though you'd been hiding left handedness.

Regarding dating, I'd just take it slow. Start with coffee where you can just talk & get to know the guy. Even with sex, start with kissing & cuddling. Break yourself in with regards to being intimate with someone else.