Struggling! Fighting with myself Hi all, I'm new here and I am hoping to come out to my parents later this year after worrying about this for several years now. Just a bit of background about my situation: I came to accept my sexuality at university and ever since then my life as a student has been awesome. So a big tick for self acceptance! Now that I'm in my final year, I feel that it is the right time to let my family know. In fact, I came out earlier than I expected to with my sister a month ago and she was perfectly fine with it (as I'd expected). However, the parents are a different story. I come from an Asian background and therefore with that comes the cultural pressures of being a strong family unit, having achievements to be proud of, a strong sense of discipline and never wanting to disappoint. I've decided that I want to write a letter to come out, as I have been seeing that this is probably the best way to get everything across correctly. However, I've been putting it off so much and just can't bring myself to do it. I have tested the waters and had conversations with my parents about their feelings on LGBT issues - but I get bombarded with the comparisons to incest, bestiality, murder... and I don't argue against them too much to stay hidden. Sometimes, a horrible part of my brain just tells me maybe living in the closet for the rest of my life is ok; save them the inevitable disappointment; save them the embarrassment of telling extended family why I have no girlfriend. I can picture it, the face of disappointment, everything that I have done to make them proud burnt to a crisp as if it didn't exist - this is what I am most scared about. But I know deep down that living a lie isn't something I can do for my whole life. I was wanting to ask what you guys thought I should write in this letter, when I get round to doing it: The first problem I have is addressing my parents opinions and arguments against homosexuality. If I stated a counter argument to every argument against homosexuality, my letter would be really long... but perhaps that is needed to illustrate that there is another side to the story. Second of all, I have been in a long term relationship for 3 years now, and I was wondering whether I would just offload everything onto them at once, or save the "meet the boyfriend" talk for later. Thirdly, I also worry about what will happen when my parents do know - what happens with extended family? As an asian family, the extended family is very close and therefore I can just imagine it being the most awkward and awful situation at family events Anyway, I apologise for my ramblings and poorly structured post - I just kind of wrote what came into my head. Thank you for taking the time to read this - my first step on the coming out journey!
Hey there Welcome to EC. It's great to hear that your sister was so accepting and that you are ready to come out. From what you've said, it sounds like coming out to your family might be a risky move, but considering you are almost done with university, and you're already in a long term relationship, I believe that if you are comfortable in doing so, this is a good time to come out. However, from what you have said, I don't believe your parents will take it well at first. They may be uneasy when you first tell them, but they will probably come around in time. I would not suggest coming out to them unless you have somewhere to live away from them, because if they take it too badly, it may make living with them extremely difficult. I also think you should tell them about your relationship at the same time, because then you don't have to hide anything, or be forced to come up with a lie to explain it later. In the letter, I'd suggest you don't try to counter their arguments, it would probably be better to be very blunt and open about it. Just tell them that this is who you are, and nothing's changed, except now they know. Try not to make it into an argument. I think it's best to just be like 'This is me. This is my life. I want you to accept me, but if you don't, I'm not changing.' So, in short:- 1) Letter sounds like a good idea. 2) Don't try to argue with them in the letter, keep the focus on you. 3) Tell them about your boyfriend. 4) ***Do not try to come out unless you have somewhere else you can go as a backup plan*** Sorry that was really long. This is all just advice, you don't need to follow it unless you want to. Ultimately, this is up to you. I hope everything goes okay, please keep us posted. Good luck!
Re: Struggling! Fighting with myself There is really nothing to address about homosexuality; it just IS, like hair color, or height, or the color of your skin. It is not something they can be against, any more than they can be against you being tall or short. You are what you are. Some people are homosexual; some people aren't; you are, regardless of whether they like it or not. You have confirmed this with your 3-year relationship with your boyfriend. There is no way you should consider letting them get away with telling you that what you are doing is wrong, any more than you should let them tell you to marry a man if you were straight. This is not something to "argue" about; it is something for you to tell them about. They can think whatever they want to about it, and will probably go through all the usual five steps of accepting it, because it will not make them happy to find out about it. None of this is your "fault", and there is nothing even wrong with it to be a fault; you did not choose to be gay, it just happened to you, so they all just need to acknowledge it and live with it, just as if you were born a genius or a Downs syndrome; luck of the draw, nothing more. I would suggest that you tell them about the relationship, but not introduce them to the boyfriend right away unless they are positively accepting of the news. If they are negative, they will likely try to shift some of the blame for what they will thus think of as a "wrong" choice you have made to your boyfriend; it is really not fair to let them do that to him, so keep him away from them, so that he can provide comfort and support to you without having to endure any direct confrontation with your parents before they have accepted what you have to tell them. Whatever people in your immediate and extended family think is their problem to deal with, not yours. Your sister can provide you with some help in dealing with all of them, and show that there is nothing to be embarrassed about by her own attitude in supporting you. Sometimes the children have to show the parents how to behave, as they are often behind the actual state of the world due to their own experiences growing up in an earlier time; I can say that as a member of the older generation. If they don't want to accept reality, or try to punish you in some way for that which you never had any control over, there is not a whole lot you can do about that, other than to get them help from PFLAG to learn more about homosexuality, to help them deal with your news. Good luck, and best wishes for a good result when you tell them.
Thanks for the great responses! It's really nice to speak to people about this as it's been bottling up inside me for a while now. I see your point about not turning it into an argument as I don't think creating a back and forth tension would be constructive. However, instead of perhaps providing "counter arguments" I should offer some education about the topic? At the moment, they're still stuck at the "homosexuality being a choice" hurdle. Or should I really keep it to me as an individual and try and aim for their acceptance of their son as opposed to acceptance of homosexuality? (or are they both the same thing?) And yes, I agree timing is really crucial with this, because I can potentially be putting myself in a hostile and awkward situation, so thanks for raising that point.
Hey, well done for telling your sister and it s great she was OK about it.. and she can help with 'family' when the time comes I agree with all the other comments above .. and I would do the 'outing' as one project… and the boyfriend discussion can happen when it feels right. Which may be straight away but may follow on. Good luck!
