Hello. I am (the grand age of) 23 and pretty closeted. I've said things to my friends and my boyfriend like 'I am a bit bi', 'everyone is a bit bi really', 'Theres a difference between sexual and romantic attraction and I'm romantically attracted to everyone' etc etc and I've had my little rants about if we can really consider gender and sexuality as spectrums, can we not just get rid of all the labels, as in all of them and the default assumption can no longer be cis-het for anyone. In retrospect I believe this somewhat but mainly it's a good way to avoid me coming out 'properly'. I have never been with a girl and sometimes this bothers me but not in a current way but just the thought that I might die without exploring my sexuality way, on the other hand actual sex with girls doesn't really hold a lot/any interest to me, just relationships and sex comes with them? but then I think it took me a long time to enjoy and want sex with men and I used to have no interest in it when I was a teenager so maybe it will be the same?. I love my boyfriend very very much, love of my life type thing going on here and we have been together nearly 18 months. I am a much more romantically inclined than sexually inclined person and romantic attraction will nearly always come first for me and emotionally intimacy is very tied up with sex in my mind. I am very committed to my boyfriend and although that potential is there in the future I have no thoughts of leaving him at the moment. I'm not really sure what I am trying to ask for advice for really, only that I feel quite 'bothered' recently and thought I might be able to clear the whole thing up if I did the 'coming out' properly performance but I'm not sure if that would help anything or would just complicate things. I don't want to complicate my relationship as we are very very happy, I don't think if he suggested I could hook up with a girl that would help anything as I a) feel very committed to him and b) I find casual sex difficult (and semi-pointless at times) as I said before I usually need to have emotional feelings first in order to experience sexual ones. And I definitely don't think leaving him will help as we are so happy. I wonder if there is anyone else like me around here? and if maybe I just go around saying I'm bisexual to people, my almost indefinable and vague sense of 'bother' or unease will go away?
If your relationship is that strong -- it sounds great --, you can probably bring it up with your boyfriend. Tell him what you've just told us, that it's not about sex for you, but you feel like you could fall in love with a woman the way you can love men. And reassure him that it doesn't mean you're likely to cheat, but you just wanted to share it with him because it's a part of who you are. I get that it can be hard, but it's really nice to be out to a few people, even if you're in a "straight relationship." When you're bi, you don't become gay if you date the same gender, or straight if you date the opposite gender, you're still bi. It's pleasant to have people who know and acknowledge that, because it is a part of yourself. And it's rarely "unnecessary" to come out. I realize why people would wonder why you'd do it -- wouldn't it just harm a relationship, etc ? -- but it's not unnecessary. That's like saying it's unnecessary to come out as gay if you don't have a boyfriend. People come out for different reasons, and I think you have a reason.
