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Parents oppose my coming out because of what it might do to the rest of the family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Acalc79, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Acalc79

    Acalc79
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Europe, Poland, Rybnik
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Family only
    I'm 17. I came out to my parents about half a year ago. Everything seemed ok, nothing has changed compared to the situation before. Recently I've decided that I would like to come out at school. It wasn't a big deal to me because for a long time I had the attitude that I would be honest if anyone asks.
    When I shared the idea of coming out publicly my parents were very strongly opposed. They explained that they are concerned about my welfare and that I only think that I could handle it. This I could pretty well ignored, in worst case scenario it would be an important, if painful, lesson for me. What stopped me were their concerns about people's reactions and discrimination targeted at them and my two younger sisters (both in elementary school). I don't want to make life unnecessarily hard for them. At the same time I'm really uneasy now that they explicitly stated they want me to hide, much more than before when I assumed I could just tell if someone asked.
    I'm not sure how well-founded are their concerns, but from gentle probing I did with my classmates they seem to accept it on the conceptual level but are completely unaware of the presence of people of other sexual orientations, one of them said that "it's not a problem since there is nobody like that in school" (my school has over 600 students). It made me want to come out even more to increase awareness. On the other hand I live in southern Poland which is very catholic country.

    Is there anything that could help in this situation? Can you recommend any course of action?
     
    #1 Acalc79, Jan 25, 2015
  2. ANewDawn

    ANewDawn
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    Re: Parents oppose my coming out because of what it might do to the rest of the famil

    I can very much relate to your situation. I live in a very Orthodox community and my mom told me I can't come out until my younger sister gets married because it will ruin her reputation. While I understood her concern and don't want to do anything to make life difficult for my sister, it was a hurtful thing to hear.
    You know best how people where you live will react. If you think there is a real chance that your sisters might be hurt by you coming out then maybe you should wait. But if you think your parents are over reacting a little, then coming out should be about you - what you want, when you're ready. It may sound selfish, but it's such a personal thing, and other people's reactions are not in your control.
     
    #2 ANewDawn, Jan 25, 2015
  3. YermanTom

    YermanTom
    Full Member

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    Location:
    Co Wicklow Ireland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Re: Parents oppose my coming out because of what it might do to the rest of the famil

    Your parents grew up in a very different time. I'm probably closer in age to your parents age than your age, so I can see the concerns of your parents. But at least they are on your side. They think differently from you.
    When I was young being gay was illegal and socially totally unacceptable now in Ireland being gay is not an issue with the youth in this country.
    As far as I can gather eastern Europe is not as gay friendly as Ireland, but you are a better judge of that I am. (Statistically they are probably about 60 gay kids in your school) In Ireland the reaction to coming out is "so who is your boyfriend" in Russia coming out could get you killed, attitudes to gays vary from country to country.
    I think you need to seriously check out the attitude to gays in your school and local community, your local LGBT support group might help in this regard. Other than that you need to reassure your parents as to your safety. If there is a support group for parents of gay children that might help them and you.
    Your parents are concerned about your safety and on the other hand you need to express who you are.
    I would suggest check things with your local LGBT group and always be aware of your safety and try find a way of being truly you at the same time.
    Look after yourself.
     
    #3 YermanTom, Jan 25, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2015
  4. pinkpanther

    pinkpanther
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Stockholm
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Re: Parents oppose my coming out because of what it might do to the rest of the famil

    Coming from a similarly conservative place to Poland, I somewhat agree with your parents. Now, that you're almost an adult, you do have obligations towards others, namely, your two younger sisters.

    Another thing is that your small town isn't the perfect place for an lgbt person. In the future, it's highly likely that you will decide to move out to a bigger city to study or work. So, the question is, does it really matter? Your parents know and are supportive of you, which is by far the most important thing for someone your age. The other people... I assume you're going to university, so won't see them that often if at all.
     
    #4 pinkpanther, Jan 25, 2015
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