Periodic bi obsession: what do people in relationships do to cope?

I'm a mid 30s male in an otherwise extremely healthy decade+ relationship with a great girl ("Julie"). I need to figure out the healthiest and most honest way to accept my bi impulses and I can't decide if "coming out" is something that's already happened or still needs to. Julie is aware of my strong interest in transsexuals, crossdressers -- in the early years we watched a lot of MMF threesome, MTF trans, and related porn that I would group together under the bi umbrella. She is also aware of my pubescent experimentation with other guys, as we've always been fairly candid on matters of sexual history. In fact, we even share a fluid interest in both genders, although my interest in men is strictly limited to the girlish ones (and the ones who don't identify as men, obviously). But neither of us would ever self-describe as "bi" simply because we never saw the point.

To be more explicit and concrete about the sexual dimension, we have an active sex life with great communication, she turns me on (rock hard) mentally and physically, and her looks (waifish) comport with the theme already established about my taste. Having said this, when I masturbate I think about dicks and when these urges have overtaken me I've typically looked outside the relationship for satisfaction. Cheating is something I don't want to do, it's dirty and risky and I owe her more. Unfortunately I've hit the limits of healthy communication and straight-couple experimentation, which is another way of saying I can't admit to her how many hours of the day I spend looking at (porn), thinking about, and getting aroused over penises; she knows this stuff is exciting to me but the degree, the immersive desire, I think she senses but we don't talk about. I do not believe my relationship, happy and healthy as it is, would survive the admission that I need to suck dick a few times a year.

To make matters worse, I'm aware and sensitive that the tgirl obsession is kind of morally damaging to the extent that it focuses attention on the very transitional state trans folks are working to exit. If I could choose not to feel this way I would, but I've come to the conclusion I have a strong sexual preference I need to act on. When sufficiently tipsy recently I've contemplated bringing this up in totally inappropriate settings and with people who can add nothing to my introspection -- it's just this confusion percolating intensely to the surface everywhere I look. That I might "come out" whether I like it or not is part of what brings me here.

I'd love to hear that I'm setting up a false choice, but my options seem to be the following: suppress this 10 / 10 urge down to a 2 / 10 or 3 / 10, taking the risk that I will find myself cheating occasionally. OR do the honest thing, disclose the full scope (minus the cheating) to Julie and take the risk our partnership dissolves. Of course I could just do nothing, then potentially wake up 10 years from now to realize I'd been living under a psychic burden with who-knows-what consequences. I don't have any problems in life because of this (except for the frightening levels of mental distractedness) but I would really love some feedback from people who assessed these risks and can help me to systematically weigh the pros and cons and do the right thing here. Based on my description, do you think coming out is inevitable for me or do I have a choice in the matter (e.g., coping strategies)?

Thanks

 

Open relationship proposal is something I've thought about. Counterintuitive / hypocritical as it may sound, I'm not quite sure I can get comfortable with the idea of her being with someone else (then with me), the whole open relationship thing has always struck me as interesting if it's how you start things off but really impractical if you've entered the relationship with expectations of exclusivity...with all the mental programming and habits that form in response. It's worth doing some reading on this, how to convert exclusive into open relationships. Seems to be all the rage nowadays so I ought to take a closer look.

As to admitting all cheating and see where that leaves me, that's not going to happen. It's the most honest thing to do but I don't even know if I'm ready to commit to a new lifestyle. My ideal solution would involve some kind of frequent gender play: in fact I actually think that would prevent me from cheating in the future. Problem is that I don't know how to say "this cocksucking simulation we do with the strapon is a necessary pressure release valve for me and I need it often, it's not just a fun novelty for me to remember offhand here and there". That's the fix right there, it's something smaller than a commitment to a sexuality label / announcement but bigger than an incidental bedroom fetishism.

Thanks to both of you for your responses, by the way. Any other thoughts on how to communicate this would be welcome.

 

I do think this would be enough, and even if I'm wrong I agree with you that compromising what we have just to make myself feel better is foolish (and just another version of selfish). The hard part is going to be saying "I need this to happen more often" but "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, on his knees imagining a mouth full of dick". The perfect opportunity to close this gap would be a sex therapist, but I just have no excuse to suggest that (as in, no problems she knows about that call for therapy). I guess I just have to lay in wait for that opening in the conversation. I actually think that although she doesn't get as excited about the gender play as I do, if she knew how important it is to me she would oblige, both because she's a cool girl and because of the whole "it's arousing to know you're arousing your partner" echo chamber thing. My conundrum is still unfortunately that the two messages (I need this so much it drives me to distraction vs. let loose and don't worry, it's all in good fun) remain tough to reconcile.

---------- Post added 27th Jan 2015 at 02:32 PM ----------

I would consider it, but it's come up in conversation a few times over the years and I'm pretty certain she wouldn't be into it. Threesomes in general, I mean, not MMF vs. FFM specifically. I actually think because of the strength of our affection and the assumed exclusivity it would be easier for us to consider the open relationship than a threesome because of the way the former allows you to compartmentalize the new partner(s). Or so I imagine.