So, I realized i was bisexual at about the age of 14. Shortly after this I tried to bring up a conversation about my bisexual friend with my parents to gauge their reaction. They dismissed what i was saying and told me never to bring up such "strange conversations" in front of my brother again. They seemed upset and my dad wouldn't talk to me properly for a couple of days, so i decided not to tell them. I recently think I've found part of the source of my depression. Some days I feel more masculine than feminine, though i do tend to use female pronouns, and the acceptance of this as a part of my gender expression was really comforting to me. That was until I had my parents over for dinner the other night. They started a conversation about a person who lives in the village I grew up in who is gender fluid. This got me really excited as it was potentially going to open up doors to talk about my own gender identity. I tried explaining gender expression and gender identity with them in my own terms and they shut it down. (My little brother was backing me up, saying to them he couldn't see a problem with any of it) Then my dad shouted "people are then gender they are born into and that's that!" It pretty much halted the conversation and I had to stop myself from crying. Since that event I've been having some major feelings of doubt and self loathing and my depression has got worse. I know my parents are closed minded but their words have really shaken me up. Coupled it with the previous incident years ago and i just don't want to see them or talk to them about anything. I don't know what to do. I feel like an awful person for not wanting to talk to my parents. And knowing I can't tell them about myself and the things that are making me feel better really hurts. I'm sorry I really need some advice.
Hi Pixie It sounds like your brother would be the one family member you could open up to, or at least test the water a bit more with him. Do you think that would work? Do you currently have any LGBT friends in the area?
Hey Yeah I'm thinking about inviting my brother over after college one day. He's amazing and is one of the most accepting people towards everything. So telling him isn't going to be too difficult hopefully. Also I know he wouldn't tell them if i asked him not too. And yes I do have some LGBT friends, and lots of friends who are allies. I guess this makes it easier as it's not like I can tell no one, and my boyfriend talks to me openly about any feelings I'm having and is totally non judgmental. The main issue is I now feel uncomfortable talking to my parents at all. Every time I try and invite them over I start getting all panicky and anxious and I don't end up doing it. I know I don't NEED my parents approval but I kind of want it, and I don't want to talk to them in case i slip up and they never talk to me again. Again I know I shouldn't worry about it but i do.
You can only keep on doing the right thing (as I always say!). It's not your problem it's your parents problem. It took me a very long time to finally be comfortable with myself, but I recently have and it feels great! Being comforable with yourself will make you feel less panicky. Be yourself and show your parents that you are comfortable with who you are and given time their attitudes may soften.
Thank you so much. This has actually made me feel so much better about my situation. hopefully I'll get some self confidence soon ey? XD
