I am not going to beat around the bush I hate myself in many ways. I have been trying to overcome this tendency of the past year. When I am around people I can hide this very well, but when I am by myself I just can't help but feel inadequate. I have talked to my mom about this and she started crying saying she doesn't know what to do because she says that there is so much about me to be proud of but I guess I just cannot see it. Now I find myself in a relationship that is different than every other relationship I have ever been in. Different in that I see a true future with him. He is for lack of not having a more powerful word in my personal vocabulary simply AMAZING! He is sweet and kind and generous and no matter how bad a day I have had he always knows just how to put a smile on my face and he enjoys doing it. Plain and simple I don't know why he is with me. He tells me that I am a great guy and I am not going to fight him on that matter but truly I doubt it. My greatest fear is that this will hurt our relationship. I care about him so much and I don't want anything to risk losing him. I need to get this under control and soon I am seeing a psychologist about this tomorrow. I just feel so lost. I yell at myself for hating myself but I just find that I hate myself for self hate. I have tried just about everything. I have tried to just find myself through hobbies and just relaxing and becoming comfortable with myself. But it doesn't seem to have worked at all. I just wish I knew what to do. :icon_sad:
You're depressed. Plain and simply. That's what it sounds like to me. I've been there. Why? Who knows. It might be physical / chemical / biological. Or it might be to do with your situation or events that have occurred in your life. There are many reasons why you might be depressed. Depression has been described to me before as anger turned inwards at ourselves - and you are describing that perfectly. The reflection you see of yourself is being distorted to the point where you can hardly look at it. And you can't understand why others would say that you're wonderful and they are proud of you. And that disconnection between you and those around you WILL impact your relationships. Your mom is obviously upset because she wants so desperately to help you and doesn't know how. Your bf will eventually grow tired of your moods and your negative attitude towards yourself - especially if he doesn't understand why you're like that. But getting you to a psychologist is a really good first step. I hope that goes well. (As Lex would say, if your car was broken you'd take it to a professional mechanic. If you broke your arm, you'd go see a doctor or orthopedic surgeon. So when your brain isn't working quite right, there is no shame in seeing a psychologist.) And the good news is there is help. You don't need to feel this way for the rest of your life. Although I'm sure right now you can't imagine feeling any other way, you can. I was in the same situation a few months ago. And had often felt that way over the years. Counselling, medication, physical fitness - all of these things can contribute to a completely new and wonderful outlook on life. I really hope your appointment helps. And if it doesn't, don't assume nothing will. If you want to discuss one on one with me, send me a private message. I know how painful and lonely depression can be. I hate the thought of anyone being in 'that place' alone.
Well I just got back from the psychologist. While I still don't totally like myself I do feel a lot better. I still feel like I have a long way to go but I do feel rejuvenated. I will be seeing him once a week for the next few months or how ever long it takes to get through this. I still don't know quite what it is my bf sees in me but if he thinks that I am worth caring for than I am going to have to learn to care about myself and get through this. If not for myself than for him.
I'm in agreement with Jim here. And, I give you a lot of credit for seeing it and going to a psychologist. This post reads to me like you absolutely have the right attitude about this, and I'll be pulling for you.
Glad that the psychologist helped - some people hate them but whenever I see mine I just feel heaps better that I've got a load off my chest. You've clearly got good qualities that you don't see in yourself, and in time I hope you realise that.
Why is he with you? Because he clicks with you. Because he likes being with you. Because you make him happy. None of this has anything to do with any specific qualifications you may or may not have. It doesn't matter how cute you are, how funny you are, how smart you are, how outgoing you are, how caring you are. He clicks with you. He likes being with you. You make him happy. Lex
I'm SOOOO glad to hear that! I totally think EVERYONE should have a therapist! I love mine!!! Everyone should have the opportunity to get to know ourselves as deeply and thoroughly as a therapist can help us with. So keep it up! It can't hurt. It can only help.
I think that everyone should get ‘mental health days’ in addition to sick days. I think we all need days where we can just sit and think by ourselves without being interrupted or influenced by other people. I haven’t had good experiences with therapists and I have trust issues so I don’t like talking to them. But I do a lot of thinking on my own to understand myself better. After I think about it by myself, I will talk to my best friend or my guidance counselor because I feel better just taking and they can help me figure some things out sometimes.
Actually, it's a she. So I don't like going to the psychologist for that reason. But it's not a bad idea. *note to self: find a hot psychologist*
Therapy isn't for everyone. My mom sends me to one about once a month, and I hate it. I have nothing against psychologists or people who go to them (actually I've considered becoming one) but I tend to work through my issues by myself. So far the person I go to hasn't helped me at all. Nor do I think she ever will.
