Alone

Well, I guess I should preface this by saying I'm 28, have lived that whole 28 years as a guy. Acting like a guy, being a guy, doing guy things. It was who I had to build my identity around.

So growing up I was always around girls, girls every where. While I felt attracted to them, I always well, felt like one. Yet there was always that pressure of "You're a boy, here, do this!" and while yes, I was always drawn to more 'boy' toys, I also liked things that were traditionally 'girl' things. Anyone who remembers the 90's remembers the Mighty Max pocket toys (They were my crack, the adventures!) but I also liked the Polly Pockets. "No, those are your sisters!". I was comfortable with my female friends because I felt I was one of them, but there was always that pressure from the parents to have boy friends, to form a male identity. Proud that their son who was surrounded by females (Literally, no boys on my street) grew up to be a healthy productive straight man. Yet, I'm not straight, and I don't believe I'm a man.

So as I got older I began to repress it all, forget about it, move on, that's not you. Before long I became a recluse, hiding away on the windows 98 days of the internet and soon the 2000's. Diablo, Diablo 2, Warcraft 3, StarCraft, they became escapes, someplace you could go to just forget about it. Yet it manifested there as well, always choosing to be the girl because it's who I wanted to be. Life moved on and around 20 I met a girl, married her and life flew by. I eventually came out to my parents as being Bi much to their chagrin and my wifes parents chagrin. Soon she followed step and came out as Bi too.

Yet none of them know the whole truth, not even my wife. She's plainly state that while bi, she likes natural women and has displayed an attitude of not being attracted to trans-women. My parents and hers on the other hand, a much more distressing story. One of my parents made the comment that all those gays should be put on an island and nuked, so I told her "but mom, I'm Bi." her response was so maternal. "Well, you made your bed son." And there it was.

Having built a life as a husband and son has made it so if I come out as trans, I'll possibly lose my wife who won't be sexually attracted to me no more, my friends who are all decent guys, but have openly made fun of one of their family members for being trans. "Dude, he has tits, yeah, what a fuckin' queer!". My parents will hate me. Like the one time I 'went through a goth phase'. I wore make-up, put my hair up in pigtails, felt lovely. My parents were like "Oh look, he's a lil' goth." Me: "Um, guys, I'm not really trying to be goth..." Them: "so cute!" My grandparents will cut me out of their life. Same area, 'goth period'. Grandpa is taking me to the movies to catch Battlefield Earth, show up with make-up. Freaks out and tells me to get the hell out of there, he ain't taking me anyplace as long as I look like a girl with my lipstick.

Then there's the people I've told online. "You're to old to transition, you'll just look like a dude with tits, gtfo." "Better off a guy m8, just stuff a bra if it makes you feel better."

It's not who I am though, and I just don't know how much longer I can bury it. I've been suicidal about it but I lie and say it is just stress from work or bills. Because if I told them it's depression from spending 28 years living a lie, that I'm actually a girl, my whole world will explode. I really really don't know how to do it anymore.

So this is me, the good son, the adoring husband asking simply, where do I go from here?