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dad found out plz help

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jaska, Jan 28, 2015.

  1. jaska

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    it's late morning here in nz, my brothers at school and my dads at work and I'm just with my mum at home. At the end of late year, I met up with an endocrinologist to discuss my options for hormones and how that works in nz. He also wanted me to get some blood work done and an x ray. The paper for the x ray got mailed to our house, and my dad got it first. I told him it might have been a mistake and said he should ring up the endocronoligist (who he thought was a psychiatrist). For the last couple of weeks my dads been ringing up people trying to find out what it was, but I couldn't get hold of the John (the endo) to like warn him. Just now I got a call from John he says my dad rang up the office where he's based to ask about the x ray and the lady read the first line of the paper that said it was and x ray for "birth name" female to male patient. Apparently my dad said "what?!" Then tge lady said shed made a mistake and hung up and she contacted John to tell him. Right now my mum is getting ready to go out for a few hours so I'll be home alone. John gave me his phone mobile number so I can call him back in a bit if there is anything he can do to help.
    I have no idea what to do, my dad gets home at six pm and its nearly 12 in the day now. My mum has been acting a bit stressed and upset but I'm not sure if she knows still. If anyone has any advise on what to do plz say:help:

    ---------- Post added 29th Jan 2015 at 11:54 AM ----------

    also I am not out to any friends or family at all.
     
  2. Michael

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    Keep calm first. It's not a good situation, but this is not the end of the world (even if it seems to you like it is, I've been there before).

    How do you think your dad will react if you come out? How are his views about being trans? In my experience, dads are more open than moms about his boy being trans.
    Do you feel ready to come out if he asks you?

    Write down in paper John's number just in case, and keep that paper on your pocket.

    Probably your parents are just worried about you. I don't know them, but I don't think you should focus right now on the worse case scenario, that doesn't help much, you know.

    Keep calm!
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Hey, I feel for you!

    That was a majorly incompetent move on the part of the person who read that file to your dad. I would have thought that maintaining patient confidentiality would be paramount in situations like this. If you can, set up an appointment with the endocrinologist (with your parents) as soon as possible, but, by all rights, "John" should at least make a house call when your dad gets home. You will need all the support you can get. Ask John if he can do that.
     
  4. jay777

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    Well its your decision what you say, and if you want to come out...
    you could talk with John about it...
    and don't be afraid to ask him of any help you can think of...

    Many people now say being tg is biological. Theory has it it has to do with brain development before birth. So its neither your nor their fault.

    This is a brochure for the british national health service, a very reputable source :
    http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
    They talk of it having biological causes. meaning its not just a whim ...

    (What I do not like is on page 7 talking about stress... many experience relief...)

    You might tell that your gender is only part of you, that you will still be the same and that you will be like your male/female twin...

    and you might describe your disphoria...

    Some Dads might be a bit more accepting, because they might kind of win a son, someone they can talk to and do things with concerning manly stuff. You might tell you're more interested in that.

    It could be a relief for him if you say you don't like this girly stuff, its just not who you are. There is no use in trying, and its not his fault.

    Now well, he might be afraid what neighbours think... but you could say its really who you are, and there are many people like you.

    Here are some more resources:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/156085-i-just-im-kind-scared.html#4

    In fact, quite a few people are trying to fulfill and even overfulfill gender roles until they simply find out its not them.


    Don't give up, keep on...

    hugs
     
    #4 jay777, Jan 28, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2015
  5. jaska

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    Thanks so much guys. Right now I'm thinking about making a call to my dad and coming out to him very soon. He's in a public work place so I don't know, maybe it'll help him keep from getting angry or something. My dad isn't very conservative, I have never hear anything from him about transgender people or know how he feels about that. I basically have no idea how hell react. I really don't feel ready to come out, I'm still pretty unsure about my gender.
    Greatwhale- not too sure about John talking to him this evening. I didn't get a very open minded impression from him when we met. I know that I want to be the one to tell my dad (and mum and brother?) before anyone else, and maybe give them some time to calm down a bit before anything else happens. I don't know about my mum or brother. I'm pretty sure my dad is the safest person in my family to come out to first, but my mum has reacted the most negatively to my "gender variance" I guess. I don't if I come out to my dad, if he will then talk about it to my mum. Mate I should organise a time when I can talk to them both at the same time? Thanks so much for the replies (*hug*)
     
  6. jaska

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    Ok I rang John and told him what I'm doing. I decided to come out to my dad over the phone now. I called him but he was in the car with someone and asked if I could call him back in five minutes. He seemed pretty relaxed surprisingly, I asked how he was and he said good. I also wrote a list of points I wanted to make with him including what transgender means, dysphoria, what happened with the x ray and everything and I'm going to try and ask him if he's going to talk to my mum about it or not.
     
  7. jay777

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    (*hug*)
    hope all goes well
     
  8. Acm

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    Good luck!
     
  9. Chiroptera

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    Good luck! Rooting for ya!
     
  10. jaska

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    Thanks! Everything went prettty smoothly. When he gets back from work we're going for a walk so I can explain more to him and discuss what to do about telling the rest of my family and things. feels like a huge weight of my shoulders :icon_bigg
    For anyone else coming out to their parents, I wish you all the best.
    Thank you everyone for all the support you guys are awesome!:thumbsup:
     
  11. Chiroptera

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    Keep us updated if you are confortable with it! Hugs
     
  12. MisterTinkles

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    Wow...........for the first time in years........Im stumped for no helpful advice.


    Just keep calm and if he gets angry, walk away and tell him you will talk more later.

    I would have a friend there if at all possible.


    Let us know how it goes.(*hug*)
     
  13. BradThePug

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    I'm glad to hear that things seem to be going well :slight_smile: I hope that things continue to go well. It might not have been that he ideal way to come out, but at least it is over now.
     
  14. jaska

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    Talking to my dad on the walk was fine. it only got a bit rocky when i talked about name changes and pronouns but he said hed need sone time to think about it, so thats a good sign i think. and we decided to tell my mum this evening too. We talked after my brother went to bed and it went alright. I was way less nervous than I was with my dad wich helped. Although she said a few invasive questions, she was really sweet and did her best to understand. I gave them the link to ec too and they said they'd have a look at it tonight so I might see them online soon :lol:
     
  15. White Knight

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    Great news. Hugs to you and all your family.
     
  16. jay777

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    Glad it went well.

    (*hug*)

    In case they have restraints about EC, they could have a look at the welcome section to see how friendly people are.

    And, well, you could say its a moderated site, with people really trying to help and support.


    (*hug*)
     
  17. Chiroptera

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    Happy for you! It seems you have nice parents!

    A hug to all of you.
     
  18. CyberScream

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    Can I cry? I'm gonna cry tears of joy right now. (no, really. I am tearing up now.) Because your father did what my father could not. (*hug*)
     
  19. Mystic flower

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    What a wonderful outcome. I have been thinking about coming out to my mother first. I hesitate to talk to my father about it as when I got pregnant my father communicated through my mother. I am preparing myself to coming out to my parents, but I will wait for a while.
     
  20. Acm

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    I'm glad it went well :slight_smile: