*Deep breaths, Deep Breaths* So I'm really stressed right now. Also feeling a wide variety of extremelty horrible emotions. But before I get to the worry, here's a little background story, *Lets the sounds of John Lenon (Imagine) calm him down* It all started Halloween. It was on this day that I decided I'd go out with the Brock Pride again. And--I had SO MUCH FUN. Which now really sucks. But we'll get to that So we all met for a pot luck dinner at one of the Brock Pride member's house. It was so much fun, eating, playing guitar hero, mingling, listening to music. And I can say that I met some really cool people. These two guys dressed in drag with their boyfriends dressed as pimps were tooooo funny. They actually had me laughing the whole night and they were just so much fun. Actually everyone there was alotta fun. It's so much better hanging with your own. Slowly I'm finding my own Kin--I'm being brought into the gay world of St. Catherines and it feels good--well it felt good. But we'll get to that later. So the whole lot of us goes to this small party at a starbucks. But we didn't stay long before we headed to the club. So I started my night with a shot I'll never try again (Scotch, Tequila--and something else-ICK!) and dancing the night away with a few of the guys--Including this gorgeously accented South African who was dressed in this gothic wizard outfit (Gothic as in Medieval not makeup and black crosses and such). It's funny I can dance with anybody but somehow that person will be connected to one of the gays I am friends with. I swear to god they are all secretly connected. Except when I danced with the drag version of lady Gaga. He seemed to be out of the loop as well. Anyways it didn't take me long till I found a dance partner for the night. And perhaps something more. I sorta was semi flirting with this guy back at the house (He was part of the orginial group) and I guess he was flirting with me...But when we hit the dance floor. Damn. I just had to kiss him. :icon_redf He really excited me in a way that I found it hard to hold myself back. I never really thought I'd be attracted to someone skinny like me but HEY there I was on the dance floor. [You probobly want to read this -This is the Juicey bit- Rated: PG Not to mention, I didn't wake up in my bed this morning. Okay that sounds suggestive. We didn't actually have SEX...but we didn't only just "cuddle" either. At the end of the night he asked me to come home with him. And I was trying to hold on to some sort of Moral Code..but I kinda didn't want to go back to res. So at first I rejected him. And he said okay. I started to regret it though But then as the taxi's were comming he asked me again. And I said, I would but I only wanted to cuddle tonight. So we get to his home, and we get to his bedroom, and we get into our undies...but I stay true to my cuddling only...but then thoughts started to enter my head. I started thinking about Cody (an old friend) and how when we cuddled how much I regretted not ever taking action. So then I get this horny little devil in the back of my head and as much as I try to ignore him he wouldn't let me sleep. So I kissed him. Let my hands wander... And uhh...:roflmao: It was a good night. I'm still a penetrative or pentrating virgin though! And it's not like I was just acting on a one night stand, I mean my feelings for this guy is pretty strong. I can still sorta feel the touch of my fingers all over my body, like a phantom sensation. I can't wait till I see him again. I was so embarrassed to because everytime we cuddled he could totally feel my heart beat and he kept saying, "Are you okay?" ...and I was trying so hard to play cool, "Yea I'm fine." "I can feel your heart beat." "Well it has to do that to keep me alive." And don't even get me started on the smoothness of his skin. :icon_bigg MY first semi-male/male sexual expierence--totally no regrets. Okay now on to the bad stuff SO the morning was pretty sweet, he cooked me breakfast and then we snuggled on the coach and watched Borat. Then I came home because I have a report I got to work on. Well when I turned on MSN I get this message from Mom, "PHILLIP Get those pictures off your facebook!" "What?" "Look for yourself." "Oh SHIT!" "Is this why you won't tell me the name of your friends?" Lo-and behold on facebook there was pictures of me making it on the dance floor with the very handsome man of last night. Sad thing is, is that the friend who took the pictures I told to not tag me in it. And I guess Mom is kinda pissed at me..I've figured for these reasons 1) I guess she's mad because I refuse her to tell her anything about my gay life. When she asked me what I was doing for halloween I was, "Going to the bar with some friends." "Who are these friends." "Just people from school." 2) Because of this mystery I guess she half expected that when she clicked on pictures labelled, Phil has been tagged in "Halloween 2008" she'd see me dancing at a "regular person's bar." But you know what? In a sense she has reason to be mad. But when has she really shown me that she wants to know that I have a gay life? When she completely threw aside EC? When she told me that I shouldn't give up on women? When she told me not to become a faggot? If it's so hard for her to accept...that I'm going to go to a gay bar...find a GUY I really like and KISS that guy... then what the hell is she doing snooping on my facebook. If she doesn't like my LIFE then stay out of it. She frustrates me, She makes me feel guilty and now one of my happiest memories is tainted by her noseyness. I really hope she doesn't decide to call me tonight because not only am I stressed, I am SO mad that she feels she has the right to dictate what pictures of me go on facebook. I hope to god she doesn't call me. I really hope she doesn't even email me. I need EC to help me cool off. I need a certain someone to give me another good cuddle
WOW. haha... so that sounds overall like a good night! I mean, you had a lot of fun. So your mom should be happy for you, I think, and she doesn't have to absolutely love that you go to gay bars, but it's your right. I don't know... try not to let her get you down. Chill out, and just remember the good parts of Halloween! And maybe tell mom to back off, a little?
It sounds like your mom needs to know everything. She needs to back off a bit IMO. You're 19 and in College/Uni you're suppose to have "the time of your life" Don't let her get to you so easily. If she doesn't accept it then so be it, it isn't her life.
Well it's easier to forget Mom when your dance partner asks you for a REAL date. I had a talk with my brother and he is totally being really supportive. He seems to be excited that I might have found someone.
Hey you know what, I think things will turn out better if you talk to your mum. Tell her exactly what you told us. She will get the picture.
Wow it sounds like you had an awesome night you lucky walrus you, as for your mom I think the best thing to do is sit down with her and tell her all your problems your having with her, tell her about your awesome night and the awesome guy you met ( I'd leave out the sleepover might weird her out )
Oh, sounds like an awesome night I'm glad you had so much fun, and this guy sounds interesting I hope the date goes well! As for you're mum, I also think that you need to talk to her and let her know that this is your life now, and as much as you want her to be in it in a supportive role, at 19 you need to be taking charge and making your own decisions...or something like that Anyway, good luck for the date!
Your Mom was faced with something that she's been trying to deny. That is why she freaked out about the pictures. If she says anything to you about why you didn't tell her the truth about going to the gay bar just tell her that you were afraid of how she would react. Tell her that she doesn't seem to want to hear anything about your "gay life". Then just tell her you met this guy and you had a great time together and you like him. Leave out the going home with him part. That may be too much. Still I think this will be good for her in the long run to have seen that picture. Its just a bump in the road to her path to acceptance Phil.
>>>She will get the picture. If his mother didn't get the picture, he wouldn't be IN this situation. You don't have to let this moment be "tainted". Just tell her enough to put her fears at ease. Yes, you went out to a party. Yes, you made out with a guy. But you always play safe, and you're not ever going to do anything to put yourself at risk. If she doesn't want to know anything more, she needs to stay off your facebook page. ...honestly, the person you need to have a talk with is the person who tagged your photo. Lex
Hey Phil. I am SO thrilled for you! You're really putting yourself 'out there' by going to the LGBT pot lucks and stuff. And then to have such a great evening... it's great! (Part of me wishes I'd been as 'in touch' with what I wanted in life when I was your age. But I can't go back, and there's no point in having regrets...) This is just part of the journey that you and your mom are on. Better now than having to keep a steady bf a secret from her. Your life will be much easier if you can be open and honest with her - even if she finds it a bit uncomfortable for the next little while. Seriously though - you need to set up some limits on facebook about who can post pictures. Never mind your mom. Potential employers will check out your facebook page to see what kind of life you lead. And I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't be openly gay on your page. But you might want to avoid having pictures of you in a drunken state plastered all over the place! Again - I'm really and sincerely happy for you. I think you acted responsibly, but were being true to yourself at the same time. Congratulations.
I talked to the person who did the tagging and he is cool with it. I talked to my brother and I guess he's glad that he knows whats going on in his lil bro's life. As for Mom. I just can't. There's an anger in frustration with me that's causing me to be more stubborn then the bitchy-ist of mules. I know but not talking to her I'm making things worse...but I just don't want to talk to her. I'm also partly afraid of what exactly the conversation will detail. I'll have a conversation maybe when Corey (might as well give the guy a name) is in the room with me
The conversation is over MSN but I can still feel her anger. God this sucks. This sucks. She's so mad. I just want to see Corey...or work on my psych report...anything but this. >_> I feel so damn guilty. And she won't stop. She's relentless. Damn my morality. Damn it. She won't calm down. I've fucked up so bad. God I feel ready to cry.
Awww, Phil!!!! I'm so glad you had an awesome night And as for your mom, don't worry about it darlin. She's gonna have to accept that you're gay, and that you have a LIFE. If it was pictures of you kissing girls, she'd be fine. She needs to accept you kiss GUYS. So get involved with him, cause he seems cuute! And things will work out with your mom. <3
I got mom to Calm down. After I fought past the sadness she made me feel I gave her a piece of my mind. And now I'm calming down from my anger. I hate feeling angry. Basically she SAID she was mad because I wasn't being honest with her, I was being decitful. By that she means my refusal to tell her anything related to my gay life. Refusing to talk to her. And when I tried to give her my reasoning: That I did it out of my love for her. When I tried to say I was sorry she just continued on this cyclical cynical rant of rage. Saying things that in her logic was to make me suffer for the suffering I caused her by being so dishonest. Understandable. But when she wouldn't let up I got angry and get HER a piece of my mind. And told her to talk to me when she calmed down. And eventually I got through to her and she called this, "Round one" and I told her Round Two better be more decent and calm or she MIGHT actually lose her son. Because as mad as she was-and as understandable that anger is- she had no right to say some of the things she said. Oh well. I'm gonna go for a walk, get some tea, and start my homework. Get my mind off the ordeal and guess be more open to mom. Although it might be painful for her--it's much worse having her lash out.
