Hey' Im 16 and im new to empty closets. The reason why I joined here because ive been struggling with something the last few years. The last year has been hard. Ive been fasting, Dieting and restricting to lose weight but my physical health has been declining. I am obsessed with having the perfect male body because for some reason. I keep telling myself that if I lose weight and become better looking` I will finally have the confidence to come out of the closet. I think im disgusting looking and dont deserve to be gay or be loved by someone because how hidious I am. People tell me im handsome, masculine looking but I feel like a monster that should be hid in a cage. I keep fasting thinking that I will wake up oneday and accept everything but that seemd so far away. Its not that my family will react bad, my two uncles are gay and they are loved and cherished in our family. My mum has always said " if your gay thats okay"and my sister has made positive gay jokes towards me.( I think my family already know but I havent told them").my brother and father have no clue and think im straight and keep talking about girls with me and I have to fake it all. Its getting more and more tiresome. When I think about coming out so much anxiety and dread inside me I think im going to vomit. I just dont know what to do. Part of me wants to be happy and get a boyfriend but another part of me wants the 3 kids, 1 wife, surbuban home type life, even if that means me living a lie. Im not sure what to do at the minute. Maybe I need some advice. Experience or something. Any opinions
Well maybe it sounds trite, but ultimately, love is blind. You don't love somebody for their body; that is the realm of lust and likely admiration. You love somebody for their soul. And if that part of you is beautiful, that's all that matters in the end. But no matter how bad you think you look, how could you not deserve to be gay? Is it a special privilege only given to sexy people? There are millions of heteros who are average at best, and the proportionate number of gays can't all be Ricky Martins and Anderson Coopers. Besides, everyone is attractive to someone. You'd be surprised. EDIT: I just saw your profile pic. Plenty cute enough for my taste and I'm pickier than some. It sounds like you have a positive environment. There's nothing keeping you from being anything except you. And as far as the dream life, you can have all of that (minus the wife I guess) with another guy. If that is fully what you want, just accepting the fact might feel good. I'm grateful for the pleasure of being the first one to welcome you to the site.
Welcome Rhys :smilewave Don't be hard on yourself. Just take your time. Come out when you are ready and don't feel pressured. As Argentwing says, you have a good profile picture so don't beat yourself up! Spend some time here at EC and get to know a few people your own age. Take care!
