Hi everyone, I'm new here.. and well just wanted to say what was on my mind and see what you guys think? I'm a 24 year old asian female and up until now i have dated only men. I have twice before been attracted to women, but i never really explored the area. I have recently got involved with a woman.. and i really like her. My experience with men hasn't been great at all.. and well i hope by saying this i'm not too explicit.. but the physical thing.. although great in some ways.. intercourse for me for practically every situation except the odd few have been extremely painful.. and I don't like it. Everything leading up to that is fine.. great at times.. but once the next stage comes along.. i freeze and for along time i thought it was just me.. freaking out.. and not being comfortable. But since i've been seeing this girl and we have become physical.. making love has been amazing. Not just that.. but the connection we have emotionally is amazing as well. And i really feel like i'm falling for her. Like i said above, i am asian.. indian. and i am expected to get married. I have been out of a heterosexual relationship for almost a month now.. and he was cheating on me throughout.. and well my relationships haven't been great with men at all. I am really confused.. because one i really like this girl (she is 40 and mixed race) and I don't see myself being with another guy.. mainly because i don't think i connect with them on many levels.. can be great friends with them.. but freeze in physical contact. And also with my past history of men.. i've been hurt alot. I don't know what to do? and i don't know who i am anymore.. am i bisexual? a lesbian? or straight but a bit messed up?? My friends don't support me right now.. and the woman i'm seeing is great and trying to give me that space to find myself.. i just feel like there is so much pressure right now.. my mum will be here to visit me in a couple days.. and i just feel like i don't know who i am right now. a part of me wonders if i have been conditioned to be straight.. but really i'm not? and if so.. would my parents be more understanding and allow me to be with a girl or will i be pushed to still get married to a guy? I'm sorry this is so long and it probably doesn't make much sense.. but these are all the thoughts in my head right now
Welcome to EC! The one thing I often say to the younger members is here is the one thing I'll say to you - "skip the label". Don't be in a rush to slap a label on yourself - "lesbian", "bisexual", "experimenting", whatever. There's no reason to. You've got yourself a girlfriend. She sounds killer. So just enjoy it. Enjoy the ride. Enjoy your relationship with her. If anyone asks (and you're so inclined), tell them you have a girlfriend. If they ask, "Does this mean you're gay?", be honest - "Honestly, I don't know. I DO know I love Susan, and I've never been happier, though." And leave it at that. Lex
Hi Lex, Thank you for welcoming me and thank you for your reply She is looking for a serious relationship and has told me that she is falling in love with me. And i feel like i'm falling for her. My biggest dilema is my family. with me being indian.. they are extremely strict and homophobic. I've always been open about what i think about it.. and i never saw anything wrong with it.. but i know that i will mostly likely and quiet literally give my mum a heartattack.. and probably be disowned. If i say to them i'm bisexual.. the pressure of marriage will still be there.. and i guess that's where my labelling comes from. The girl i'm seeing is amazing.. most deffinitley in every single way. I'm just terrified that i will hurt her. And i don't ever want to do that. I don't know what to do.. she wants to be with me.. just me.. and seriously. and i want to be with her.. but there are so many things that are holding me back. Am i just freaking out or what?!
Hi, ConfusedCharlie. I'm new to EC as well, and frankly, I'm in sort of the same situation as you as well, give or take a few things. I've had experiences similar to the confusion that you're going through; still am, actually. I think that it's really great just to start talking through one's feelings like you're doing right now. I've just started going to counseling lately, and I couldn't believe how good it felt to just... tell someone everything that's on my mind at right now. Even aside from advice, the mere act of speaking helped me clear my mind and think through exactly what is going on inside of me. It's very brave of you to speak up, I think, and I hope that the speaking helps. I've been reading the forums a bit here too and it seems everyone here will be helpful in you sorting out your feelings. I'm hoping to participate more too. I don't have any more answers than you do on what you're going through right now, but I wish you the very best.
I'd say just keep your girlfriend in the loop. She probably knows all this, but feel free to tell her "I've had images of me getting married to a man for the last quarter century or so, and it's difficult to just toss that aside." She no doubt will understand. As far as your family, it's up to you how much to reveal. If it would really "kill them", simply don't talk about it. You currently "don't have a man in your life", but you're keeping your options open. They presumably will push you for more details, or to get you to "find yourself a good man", but you can simply remain firm - you're currently not dating a guy, and you're satisfied with where you are right now, but you're keeping your options open. ...and welcome, ruthel. Lex
Hi Ruthell, Thank you for your reply And welcome to the forum too Thank you for saying that.. it feels better knowing that someone can relate. I'm going to be reading alot of stuff here and probably asking alot of questions. And i think the counselling thing is a good idea. I agree that it is all so confusing.. i'm analysing every aspect of my life and trying to question where i missed it.. and a whole bunch of other stuff. I wish you the very best as well. And I hope that you find your path as well.. it feels like everything has been turned inside out and upside down doesn't it? lol Hi Lex, I think your right.. I think the last few days i've just been trying to rush for an answer and a label.. I'm scared of hurting her.. my family and friends and well just totally alienating myself from everyone. But last night after alot of thinking.. I think I need time to really find myself. I told her this.. and she does understand.. she is really scared of getting hurt as well. But at the same time she still wants to pursue it and said that there is no guarantee in life.. she thinks i may be the one for her.. and says maybe not.. i told her that i need time to just sort my head out and the mess really.. and i don't know if i can commit to her.. i know what is expected of me.. for my family.. but i know i can't do it. I don't know if its solely because i'm scared with being with a man anymore given what's happened in my past.. and i'm clinging to her now. I don't know. I just know that i really really enjoy her company.. i find her amazing.. sexy.. everything. her and i have a connection and its not just physical. she can read me and i can read her.. we can talk for hours on end.. but at the same time in silences we can read eachother.. figured that out last night. We can see one another's masks.. understand that there have been past traumas that have kept us guarded and at times vulnerable. Maybe that same thing pulls us closer together. she makes me feel warm inside.. and she sees me for me.. and treats me like a person. i never really had that with a guy. i guess i'm just going to take some time out to figure myself out really.. see what happens with her and i.. and just take the consequences as they come. is that right? or am i being irresponsible and foolish now?
Hi, and welcome to EC. I don't think you're being irresponsible and foolish at all!!! You need to figure out who you are, and what you want out of life. Trust me - it's better to figure that out now than to wait until later. I was one of those people that just went with the flow. I wasn't ever pressured into getting married - other than the fact that society expects it of most people. And I didn't really dislike being with my wife, but I know now that it wasn't as fulfilling as it should have been. And what bothers me most was that I didn't love her as much as she loved me. You need to allow yourself time to work through these things. Seeing a counsellor to talk to would be a great idea - it certainly helped me. Perhaps telling your family that your personal life is just that - personal - and that you'd rather not talk about it right now. They should be able to respect that answer, and they'll have to if you simply say it to them over and over again until they stop. :bang: I'd also recommend hanging out here in EC for a while. This was the first place where I could openly discuss the fact that I was gay, and how I felt, and feel like I really belonged somewhere. It helped me come to terms with the fact that I was gay, and that being gay was OK, and that there were lots of very sane, caring, 'normal' gay people (and gay friendly people) in this world for me to meet and spend time with. So again - welcome. And good luck.
Hey Everyone:smilewave Sorry its taken me so long to reply, my mum has come to visit me for awhile and i don't want to log on here on my computer at home.. so this was the only chance i got so far. Thanks for all your advice.. So far we are just going with the flow, she is now my gf, and i guess we are going to see what happens now. I think we both have a lot of issues with ourselves that we need to work through, we relate to eachother alot.. its scary sometimes. she has been through a lot in her life, and i've had my crap as well.. but we seem to deal with it at times in the same way. she's a great woman and i really care for her.. i am scared about what will happen, and i guess my friends think i've lost the plot and think that sure i may be bisexual, but i can turn back into being straight if i found the right guy. That i will hurt everyone and lose everyone. And that scares me.. i don't have it in me to love someone totally right now.. because of what happened with my ex.. i need time i guess.. and i need time to find me as well. i am enjoying every moment i spend with her.. i think she is amazing.. and truly wonderful. she makes me feel like a person.. and she sees me for who i am.. which is scary at times.. but it feels nice. i don't know where this will leave me.. will ialways be happy being with a female? not getting married to a man, having children etc.. the "normal" way? how will people treat us? kids? ok i know i'm thinking again! lol but i can't help it. my mum bein ghere is making it worse.. just want her to go home.. so i can try and be me instead of having my guard up all the time
Maybe you CAN "turn back into being straight" if you met the right guy. But you know what? That's true of all of us. I've been partnered for a decade. But maybe some woman (or man!) will come along, and he'll suddenly feel our current relationship is insufficient. I'm next to positive it won't - I love my guy, he loves me, and we wouldn't have it any other way. But, hey, stuff happens. You're not dating this woman because "there's nothing better on the horizon" or "I can't get a man". It's because you LIKE her. It's because you genuinely have feelings for her. And that's all the reason you need. Lex
You won't lose your friends if you never 'turn straight' again! Not if they are true friends. Gosh - I went to school with my best friends, invited them to my wedding, had kids along with them who play together - AND THEN I came out to them. They were surprised, but they haven't walked away. I'm still the same guy. And you're still the same woman. Your friends will be more understanding and open than you think.
Hey guys, Thanks for your messages.. i'm going to copy and paste a response that i wrote to a friend.. just think that maybe if you know this side of me maybe it will let you know what's going in my head I got into a massive arguement with my mum last night.. i basically told her how i felt.. it wasn't nice at all.. i swore in front of her.. which is something i never do.. i just really lashed out and tried to make her hear me. She said some really hurtful things.. which are things i know she feels and thinks all the time about me.. that i'm a curse on her, i'm selfish, run after guys all my life.. she said some pretty disgusting things as well.. she wished that i didn't exist etc.. i said some stuff back as well.. telling her that i don't care anymore.. about her stupid family honor.. that comes first before anything else. how she just wants to get me married asap to protect the family name.. she doesn't give a damn about what i've been through or what i want and its my life that she is playing with. she said that one day when i settle down then she would like to see what i do.. and i just told her that if and when i do have kids then i would teach them to love themselves, i wouldn't let them ever feel like they are worthless or a curse.. no matter what mistakes they make. I will love them before i love any honor. i really hated her yesterday in this arguement.. i wanted to pull my car over and tell her to get out.. she hit me.. wanted to punch my face in.. which she has done in the past.. and ijust told her that violence is her only way to solve anything. i told her that i want to break contact with her from when she leaves. i just dont want her in my life, because i don't need her dragging me down all the time... in the end we ended up apologising.. i told her that i do love her.. but ijust don;t think that us staying in contact is a good idea. she refused for that to happen because she said her kids are her life.. she's a mother and she can never walk away.. i told her that i can't be what she wants.. and i;m just trying to find myself.. she told me to find myself.. and i told her that the person i find may be someone she doesn't like.. and she said that i shouldn't do that. i should be good.. and i just told her that its not that i would be a bad person, that i might be someone that she doesn't approve of. she didn't say anything.. my mum is very insecure.. and her top priority is holding her face in front of everyone.. sacraficing everything for that pride.. its that attitude that i've always hated.. to be unreal just to please society.. and i guess i've spent 24 years rebelling it.. and i have tried to conform.. but i can't.. its not me. i went through hell with my ex.. i accepted everything he did.. every wrong.. i tried my hardest to stick in this relationship and show ppl that he was a great guy etc.. and the whole time he was betraying me.. i shared things with him that i have always held onto.. but i let my guard down.. and i accepted him with open arms and without a shadown of a doubt.. and he betrayed me to the utmost.. later i found out as well that he was sleeping with a 14 year old girl.. she still wants to be friends with him even after i tried so very hard to make her understand that it was wrong.. and that he wasn't a very nice person.. now i'm with a girl.. and i like her alot.. she just makes everything the way that is should be.. when i'm not around her i get all messed up in my head thinking of family, tradition, culture... values.. and i think i'm making such a big mistake.. but then when i am with her.. the way she treats me.. cares for me.. i can't think of a better person i'd rather be with. she makes it right.. makes me feel like i can be who i am.. instead of trying to be someone i'm not. she sees past my masks.. the layers i build to protect myself.. she sees me. I doubt my mum has heard me.. she will go back to what she always does.. i've tried to talk to her in a number of different ways.. even the way you have suggested.. my mum takes it.. listens.. even at times abides by it.. but it never lasts long.. she just goes back to what she always does.. i'm a curse on her and her family.. i'm poison... everything i touch becomes dirty.. i will never amount to anything other than be a whore.. i'm selfish.. i should have jumped off a bridge and died.. she never remembers what she says or does.. as a kid she beat us.. put a knife to my throat.. there are great things about her as well.. she is lovely.. and i love her alot.. but she has hurt me alot.. if i;ve hurt her too.. i've spent my whole life looking for love.. someone to trust.. someone to be myself around.. and i've spent my life running from my mum. i stopped running the day i moved abroad.. i went through hell to live here.. but i stuck it out because i never want to go back to live with her.. or anywhere close to her. i stopped destroying my life.. i am trying to make my life now.. and find who i really am.. i'm just scared that i will lose everything because of it.
Hey ConfusedCharlie! Welcome to EC. I agree with most of what's been said. Labels are dumb, pointless, and are for others to better grasp you, not for you to understand yourself! You are whatever you want to be at that day at that time, and nothing more. I am female, yes, but that's a physical trait, emotional traits are harder to describe. And I put homosexuality into an emotional trait that just happens to come with a physical attraction... So basically...you have a girlfriend, well you're ahead of me! So congrats. I would talk to her, keep her in the loop. She sounds amazing, so even if you're scared to tell her...do yourself a favor and do it anyway. If she freaks out, SHE wasn't meant to be, but don't give up alltogether. As for your mum, just take a deep breath. My mum's found out about me 3 times now, and still denies it. She just doesn't want to see it so until I literally bring home a girlfriend and introduce the two, I think my mum will still say that I'm "normal" (whatever that means!) My best advice: Don't worry about what others think. Talk to your girlfriend. Give it time, things tend to work themselves out on their own. Lastly: stop trying to label yourself. You sound awesome, so just stick with that. You can PM me anytime, but you may have to give me time to answer.
just a quick note, i have a friend who is Lebanese and has a gay brother, and i know her father sticks to the tradition very strictly and is not happy that his son is gay but is trying to accept him and he still loves him because that is his child, it just can be hard for a parent to understand how we feel when the world and tradition has taught them that its wrong. so stick in there and just show your family your the same person, just you have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend
