First post - advice

so first post.

I'm gay, have know for... as long as I can remember. I find girls fun as friends but overall pretty yucky. I've accidentally let this slip once in High school and paid for the consequences but I digress.

I'm pretty closeted. I suspect my parents know, but I don't think they want to know. In the past my mom's said stuff like how she'd always love us if one of us were gay, but I've heard her say stuff about gay guys on TV that really made me wonder how she really feels. It's very two-faced.

My father's the kind of guy who would probaply say he doesn't care but that would be a lie. It's all about status to him. He'd most likely be ashamed of me in front of his high profile friends and business associates. He never says it but I know he looks at me as his smarter son. My brother, as much as I love him, has the ability to say the dumbest things and I feel he expects so much more from me wich I find unfair. So I fear the realisation that neither of us is as perfects as he wishes would send him into some sort of acute cardiac arrest. He's always very stressed and I'm afraid I'd somehow make it worse.

I really don't know what kind of advice I'm asking for here. I dread coming out, eventhough I know it would be for the better. I guess an easy way doesn't exsist.

I'm out to one friend. She asked me.. earlier this year I think. And I couldnt lie to her. Her father is gay... and a complete psycho who also has insanely high expectations. I've known her all my life as she lives next door. He left the family when we were about 4. It wasn't untill I was 10 I think that she told me it was because daddy wanted to be with another man. That has yet to happen. He's wasting away alone in his mansion, while his kids are turning his back because of how he's treated them. He demands high grades and wants to approve his daughters boyfriends. Long story short, he's insane and I thought my friends' opinion of me would change if she knew I was gay. Considering the other gay person in her life has been so terrible to her. She still loves me, wich is great. We don't talk about it, but we're dancing partners so that's gay enough I guess :lol:

anyway I'm from Holland. And though we were the first country to legalise gay marriage, homophobia is alive and kicking these days. Especially since the conservative christians have taken over the government. Because naturally us homos are a threat to the good ol' Dutch families! So I guess I also kind of dread living openly in an increasingly homophobic environment.

anyway, nice to vent a little. I usually don't write stuff down and the last few weeks it's just been piling up in my head to the point where I'm just screaming inside. And it's nice to do this in a second language on a forum.

thanks for reading/listening I guess.

edit: I just realised this is probaply the wrong section of the forum - sorry mods

 

Thanks both for the replies!

Parents are indeed a curious thing. I guess the mixed messages makes it hard to predict how they could react. And yeah I understand I should always love myself, wich is hard. I also don't plan to rush coming out.

oh and Walrus, a little shout out to Canada from this side of the world. I've been to Canada 3 times and I friggin love it there. Some Holland/Canada pride!