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I hate myself

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mashed, Feb 4, 2015.

  1. mashed

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    I know the title of this thread may seem mellow dramatic but it's true. I'm a gay 29-year-old still coming to terms with my identity. In college I went through a period of just wanting to kill myself, but never really having the guts to actually go through with it.

    I have been in an ongoing spiritual/religious crisis for years now but continue to attend and actually lead worship for the homophobic church that I grew up in.

    I have used drugs (opiates) on and off ever since college to numb my feelings of self hatred, but currently I am clean. I've always known deep down that I wasn't straight ever since late childhood, but I've never been in a relationship, gay or otherwise. I am not out to anyone. My family and friends must wonder why I haven't found a girlfriend yet.

    But I really long for a family of my own. I wish I were straight, and i could have my own kids. I yearn for that purpose and connection. I don't want to be gay, but I can't possibly be straight.
     
  2. Michael

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    Welcome to EC, nice to meet you.

    No, your thread doesn't seem melodramatic : It seems human. There is no human being on earth who is happy and smiley at all times, so you've got a right to feel down and express it. Actually it's very wise to let this out of your chest.

    You didn't had a choice about being who you are, so there is nobody's fault, specially not yours. To keep living on a lie, that is what is eating you, and you'll run to drugs to ease the pain... To avoid the feeling, to be more precise. As long as the pain is there, you are at risk of doing it again. There is no need to keep alive that suffering. There is a way out.

    Do you have the chance to visit a LGBT center and talk to someone IRL about it?
     
  3. Dragons

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    You can't do anything about that so why worry?
    You didn't choose to be gay so just be You and don't care about what people who are against You think. If they want You to be happy, they will understand and if they don't care about Your happiness they shouldn't be in Your life. At the end of the day, You are living for You and You can't live the rest of Your ONLY lifetime hating yourself for something You can't change. Religion enslaves the mind.
    A true Christian will question the religion and what is right and wrong.
    Read the bible for yourself.
    Don't let Your pastor or anyone else tell You that You are "a sin"
    Wtf?
     
    #3 Dragons, Feb 4, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2015
  4. sweetfemme90

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    A good friend of mine had a similar situation, minus the drugs. He never came out until his 30s which he was outed by the media somehow (before I knew him). He struggled being himself around a group of people who did not accept him, he also had a hard time accepting himself because of other people.

    Even if you are gay you can have a family. I am not sure what it's like in your part of the world as far as legal status goes for marriages and families, yet there are different options to having a family. There are queer friendly churches, again I am not sure what your area is like but it may be something to look into in the future. As for families there is adoption, or surrogacy parenting.

    Religion and homosexuality is a very complex issue. Unfortunately people praise a book written by other people in biblical times. One way to challenge what we read is imagining if we were going to write another testament, who would be included in it? Would all people agree if [insert undesirable person's name here] wrote a story on how to be as a human being? It would cause a controversy, and I can only imagine it was controversial in its times as well. Even though we or even the people in the future would not have seen the controversy it was still there, yet not acknowledged. Again this is a very complex issue and we could interpret scripture as an attempt to extract society from religion and still no agreement would happen. I do encourage people to think critically about what they read and question everything.

    That being said, I understand wanting to be straight. Straight people dominate culture and being part of the majority is easier. However we have to "accept the things we cannot change", so will the other people in your life.

    As for now, I am wondering what will happen if you do come out, versus if you don't come out. If you do come out, will you still have people around you? If you don't come out will you struggle with drug addiction, contemplate suicide, complete suicide?
     
  5. perplicatus

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    Mashed, I am 39 and just coming to terms with this myself. For so long I have hated the thought that I might be gay, and it's only in the last couple weeks that I can admit it to myself or say it in the mirror (and now, even to select other people). It is such a relief to meet other people here on EC who understand what it feels like to know something deep inside you, but simultaneously not know it, dislike it, and want to find any other way that it could not be true.

    I found a video on YouTube the other day that really touched me -- search for "GetUp It's Time", their marriage equality ad from three years ago with like 15 million views should be the first result. I cried as I watched this, because it awakens this feeling deep inside me that "this is what I long for." I have spent so long trying NOT to feel, that sometimes it takes something sappy and over the top for me to recognize a feeling. (Music also really connects with me deeply sometimes, and I really like the music in that video.)

    I wish I could tell you the magic formula of what clicked in my head to go from hating this part of me to starting to accept it, but just one day I realized that, maybe, being gay actually wouldn't be the catastrophic end of the world. As I started to play with that thought, it has been a tremendous relief and weight off my shoulders. I hope that you can find that, soon, too.
     
  6. mashed

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    Thanks for each of your replies. The other night when I wrote the above post, I was crying and feeling stuck. I'm not normally a crying kind of guy (takes too much energy), but I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know what I should do, I just don't know how or when.

    I live in a small town on the East Coast (USA). I was raised in a conservative Christian house. Although I am still active in my church, I no longer subscribe to the fundamentalist view that it holds. I think that being gay (it really feels weird to write that) has helped me question my beliefs.

    I know deep down that I need to break away, but I don't want to loose my only friends. If I came out, they would "pray for me" and want to fix me and I couldn't be around that.

    However, the biggest problem I have right now is accepting myself. For nearly 20 years I've been in denial hoping that my attractions would change. I held onto the hope that I would eventually be able to marry a girl and be normal.

    After years of denial, drug abuse, and burying my head in the sand, I'm now finally examining myself, and it's a very painful process. I'm crying more these past few weeks than I had the last few years it seems.
     
  7. perplicatus

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    I used to be LDS (Mormon), and left the Church quite some time ago when I realized the rigidity of everything just didn't sit well with me, and that I was just not a true believer any more. The pressure to get married to a nice LDS girl certainly contributed, too, but at the time I wasn't ready to deal with my internal tensions around that.

    Leaving the Church was scary and a bit lonely, as all of my social life and most of my friends were wrapped up in church activities. I still have a couple of friends from that era who I hang out with, and a few acquaintances, but, yeah, it kind of sucks, and it's a lot of work to find something to replace it.

    But, it gets better. I am glad that I went through the experience, because as I face other big life-change events where there is uncertainty on the other side -- I'm thinking of a career/job change in the past, and now most recently accepting being gay -- I can reflect back on the fact that I've been through big uncertain changes before, and made it through to the other side.

    I don't envy you that you're facing two at once: accepting being gay, and simultaneously withdrawing from your church, which is sadly probably going to knock out 95% of your support network. Do you have any real-life LGBT friends, or like coworkers with whom you could become friends?
     
  8. greatwhale

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    Sometimes in order to become who you are, you need to "lose" a few things you thought were precious in order to gain something better. I know that churches and their communities can be all-encompassing, they can seem to be all that is real around you, until you realize that there is a bigger world out there, waiting for you.

    Ultimately you can live with the "what is normal" script that was handed to you, or you can forge your own path. This is a tremendous struggle, but becoming one's own self is everyone's most important task. Once you climb that mountain (and only you can do it) you will no longer be the false person you thought you were, you will become you!
     
  9. kindy14

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    Yep, peering into the dark recesses of your head is a very painful process. A therapist can help sorta guide you through it.

    I cry all the time when I start thinking of the lost opportunities all these years (37) that I've been closeted.

    I'm 5 months into trying to change my life to suit my self. It's getting easier as the weeks roll on.
     
  10. Wildside

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    I used alcohol to numb my feelings of self hatred, but eventually it stopped working, thank God, and I had to learn to face life on life's terms. I tried to do a little "conversion therapy" to myself (on my own, not part of any program); I prayed for miracles; I made resolutions that I never kept. And then one day, I accepted that I am a gay man. I came out to myself. Things didn't get better overnight. But it did open the door for me,. I go for long periods with no changes, and then suddenly have some breakthroughs. I have only been on EC for three months, but have probably had more breakthroughs in that time than in many years. I've come out to a friend, I got a new doctor and came out to him, I joined a gay-straight alliance for alumni from my college, and I am sure that there will be more good things to come. I don't think that there is anything unusual in what you're feeling and experiencing, but it is a process and I really believe that things will get better for you, if you just keep waking up to a new day every day, and if you really want to get to know, accept and love yourself. And don't feel like you have to do it alone. EC is certainly a good place to be, and professional counselling is another great resource. And people, like friends, LGBT groups, therapy groups, people we can share with all make the process easier. My doctor just gave me some recommendations for therapists who he things I will be able to relate, to talk about what I'm going through. We don't have to do this all by our lonesomes. (&&&)
     
  11. panlove0705

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    You came to a good place. I suggest that you continue seeking out support from the LGBTQA+ community. No one will judge you for being who you are here. Have you considered therapy? Perhaps group therapy with other LGBTQA+ members? I think you'll find a lot of love and support and perhaps you can see that you aren't a bad person for being gay and that it's ok. I hope you feel better soon! Much love