Was it Easy for You to Make Gay Friends?

Well, for some reason, about 80% of people I consider friends are LGBT+!! It seems to be just chance that we grouped together at college and throughout secondary school. It does help a lot to have other gay people around you for support

Locally to you there should be LGBT+ groups set up for support, making friends etc. There's the internet of course (I don't know any sites specifically but if you just had a little search?) and as you start coming out, I think it's likely that you'll start meeting other gay people by chance, they might come out to you in response, for example. People have said to me "Oh! Have you met so-and-so? They're gay too!" on more than one occasion, and I've met people that way.

You're not a "weirdo" for coming out later than the norm, everyone takes it at their own pace, some people don't come out until much later in their lives, and that's okay because everyone processes the information and comes to the realisation at different times.

Good luck finding some new friends!

 

By the time I came out, most of my friends were out. We grouped together before we even knew it! I also tended to gravitate towards LGBT people in college and

 

For me, meeting new gay people was mostly a friend-of-a-friend deal.
One of the few benefits of taking my sweet time in the closet was that, by the time I came out, pretty much anyone else had already came out (I think, at least. Maybe one or two of my friends might still surprise me )


So: I made a priority of coming out to them. The main benefit of coming out to a gay friend tends to be that they don't want to know the "typical" things such as how long you have known or whether you're really really sure or what it was like being in the closet. They're kind of experts on that already

Instead, most of them were interested in what I had already done to meet gay people before coming out of the closet (a few of them were rather flabbergasted that I hadn't ever done anything about it in the quarter-century before) or what I was going to do about it next.
And as it turned out, quite unsurprisingly, a few of them did already have a separate group of GLBT friends. Since they thought of me as straight beforehand, they had just never thought to introduce me to those.

They didn't exactly give me much choice after that to drag my feet. I did get dragged to gay bars and clubs a fair bit of the time. walking into one alone can be quite stressful, but it was much more easy if I already knew I'd have one or two people to talk to.
(Funny story there: first few times, it was me and a friend in the corner sitting and talking the entire evenign without interacting with anyone else, while a straight friend we brought along was flirting up the locals xD)

And over time, a few people did drift into and out of my circle of acquaintances and friends. Some stuck along for the longer haul. I don't really make any conscious effort anymore to go out into specifically GLBT circles, but things tend to evolve organically. People drift away, people introduce new people to the group, and so there's a steady flow of new people moving in and out.



So: even if you're not really close to these gay people in your group of acquaintances, they may still be good to provide a "guided tour" of what's out there.


Also, while I never actually did this myself, I know that pretty much all GLBT groups around here have no issues with having a short one-on-one meeting with someone before attending. You e-mail or call them, you mention you're a bit nervous, and you meet with one of their members in a starbucks or bar of your choice to have a short chat before being thrown into a group of 50 people. so even if you haven't got any friends to give you a guided tour, it may only be a mail or phonecall away.

 

I (sadly) only have one LGBT friend that I talk to regularly. I don't really like gay clubs so I don't make the effort to go out and make more LGBT friends. The city I live in is relatively small and the gay scene isn't that big anyway.

 

I guess I was kind of fortunate in that I sort of entered the community in one fell swoop. I had tried to meet guys in grad school. This was over twenty years ago and there just weren't a lot of people who were out. I met a few, even one that I thought I might be able to date, but in retrospect I can see that was just sort of picking the best of a very small pool--sort of a lesser of all evils kind of thing. Anyway, I decided I wanted to go to the Pride Parade here in Chicago. The above-mentioned guy wouldn't take me because it "wasn't really his thing"--in retrospect, he really just wasn't comfortable enough with his sexuality.

So I went on my own, and it was amazing! It certainly wasn't the million people event it is now but it was still incredible, more gay people than I probably thought even existed let alone had ever seen. And everyone was so joyful and comfortable and fun... And I didn't meet anyone. I had always been sort of quiet, shy and introverted. But I had this amazing sense that I had finally found my people and I just had to be part of it. And something about the experience of just watching that joyful community of brothers and sisters finally gave me the courage to do something about it. I watched where people were going after the parade and picked a bar along the parade route that seemed particularly popular--as it happened that bar is still one of my favorites in a city with a lot of gay bars (five years later I would meet my partner of seventeen years there). I had never been to a gay bar before.

I walked in and again it was just amazing. So many people, most of them guys. And everyone was comfortable and having a good time and they all sort of seemed to know each other. And they were all gay and it seemed so... alright. And a showtune came on and everyone sang. Not to be too stereotypical in my metaphors but it was like I was Dorothy coming to in Oz and everything was finally in Technicolor. I walked up to a group of guys and asked if they did that every year. After a little confusion about what I was talking about I managed to introduce myself and communicate that I had never been to Pride before. Everyone was excited for me and wanted to know what I thought of it all. Someone offered to buy me a drink. I didn't drink at the time--from Utah and all--so I got a Coke. When it eventually emerged that I'd never been to a gay bar before either, and was from Utah no less, I became a bit of a curiosity and was sort of hauled around the bar and introduced to people. I must have met and chatted with well over a hundred people that afternoon.

After a while I sort of fell in with a large group of guys that I sort of clicked with and spent quite a while with them--exchanged phone numbers with a couple of them. When it came time for me to leave--it was actually quite a long trip home for me at the time--they asked me to come back to the same bar next Sunday to hang with them. I agreed. I remember on the bus and the train home feeling like it had all been some sort of dream--and I remember having the distinct fear that I would show up next Sunday and they wouldn't be there. I needn't have worried. In fact by the time I got home I had a message from one of the guys asking me to call him and let him know I had gotten home safe. Another one called the next Sunday morning to again encourage me to come out that night. I did, they were there, it was still wonderful. They introduced me to a few more people. I counted that group of guys as my core friend group for at least a decade and I'm still close with most of them.

They showed me the ropes, starting with the other bars. What nights to go where, which coffee houses were the flirtiest. Which gyms were flirty in a fun way and which gyms were flirty in a tawdry way. I cheered on their gay sports teams, came and saw them in their gay choirs. There were easter bonnet brunches and croquet parties in the park, pool parties and beach trips and lots of lots of brunch--and 4 am burritos. They helped me move when I moved up into the gayborhood. Guys from that group would bring me ice cream and sit with me when a romantic escapade hadn't gone as planned. One guy from that group always showed up with homemade chicken soup when I was sick. They really were--still sort of are--my Chicago family. Once that core group was established it just sort of snowballed. There were friends of friends and gay volunteer work and I led a gay book group, but it all really started by walking up to that group of guys introducing myself and telling them I'd never been to Pride before.:lol:

 

I am fortunate to live in a fairly gay-friendly city, with a relatively large gay village and a vibrant community.

Given that I am in a bit of a hurry, I joined a gay choir and I also volunteer for a gay helpline. I also joined a gay badminton club (but my knees gave out ). These have been tremendous ways of making gay friends and acquaintances, and now I am dating someone from the choir. It has been quite a ride, and many people are interested in my own particular story (formerly married with kids). Slowly but surely, I have built up a wonderful network of gay friends in my fair city, it is amazing!

 

I have 2 close gay friends from grade/high school. One of whom was a great confidant as I starting questioning. Beyond that, my few other gay friends are from dating where we liked each other & had a lot in common without wanting anything more so we stayed as friends.

I would find a pflag chapter or lgbt group in your area.

 

It's not easy for me to make friends in general.

I know a lot of gay people through my school's GSA though.

 

I'd made several gay friends before I was out, which made it very easy. EC was awesome for making friends as well. Since I've been out, most of the gay friends I've made have been friends of my boyfriend

 

That's awesome! One step at a time. It's been a journey for all of us, myself included. Once you start getting yourself out there, I think you'll find a network of people waiting to help you out in this new world you're in the process of joining. (!)

 

Ooh, ambitious deadlines! I love deadlines personally. Especially the sound they make when they swoosh by

In all seriousness, though: it’s good to have some goals. Gives you something to work towards. Just don’t let them dominate your plans.

On the topic of bringing a friend to support or going alone: I tend to think this is a bit like the question “is it better to come out by letter or in person?”. Both have their benefits and drawbacks. But in the end, it comes down to: what way is more likely for you to make it happen IRL? Did I look weird hiding behind the back of my friend at the gay bar? Probably. Would I have been forced to open up more quickly to other gay people? Absolutely!
But the fact of the matter is that it would have also taken me a half year longer to gather the courage (nay, the desperation ) to go into that bar alone. Taking a friend was the option that got me started faster. Two months (yeah, I’m shy like that xD) of awkward hiding behind a friend was more efficient than six months of sitting at home.
So: yeah. Contact a friendly-seeming group, ask them if you could have a meeting with one of them before the full session starts, and if that’s not happening, take a friend with you, if that makes it easier!

One pro tip: if you don’t have a friend physically with you: don’t be afraid to use us. I didn’t have a friend to go with me when coming out to my mom (now THAT would have looked weird ). But before I did, I made a thread that said “hey guys! I’m coming out to my mom in a bit! Wish me luck!”. And while I was sitting there, telling that I may not be coming home with a girl, it did feel like there were a lot of people cheering for me. And some of the veterans of chat may remember episode 500 of “Filip is about to get dragged to a gay club and wants to hear reassuring stories” :lol:

Finally: a combined thought on dating sites/gay meetups. Whatever you do, don’t see your first foray into any of this as a make-or-break situation. It’s not. I’ve seen people come into a gay bar for the first time, with a look on their face of “So, these people are my only chance of finding gay friends, and one of them will be my future boyfriend”. There is nothing quite as anxiety-inducing as that thought when you meet new people.
Those people on the group/site/bar/club aren’t THE gay community, or your only chance of fitting into it. You owe nothing to a guy just because he’s the first to express attraction. And if you don’t feel comfortable, there’s more clubs/bars/sites/groups out there (especially given your location). So I get the anxiety. But don't overestimate the importance of any of it!

Aaand that concludes another novel from Filip (I’m not even going to apologise for the length of these anymore). In any case: good luck on those goals! Keep us updated!

 

I get along with most gay people. Though I haven't had a close gay friend yet.