I'm sure that somewhere in the world, there is someone like me. My friends see me as the life and soul of a room...primarily because of my loud latino voice, and energy. I have afro style hair, never dress up and love to make other people feel happy in themselves. The best parts of my day are when I'm surrounded by people and my family because I love them so much. I'm at university and my studies are going great. But....I'm lonely. No-one knows who I really am. In a perfect world I'd tell everyone how I feel, and I admire people who do that. Maybe I'm just a coward, but at the moment I just feel I'm stuck in a rutt. So many people say that coming out is like a breath of fresh air, and I can well imagine that. But by doing that I would be sacrificing something I am not willing to lose. My family are important to me and I could never tell them. My parents condemn any gay couples (female or male) that walk proud on the street, and I know that I would lose them if they ever knew. The sad thing is that I cant even find that courage to tell my friends. I'm 100% sure they would be fine with it, but I dont want to risk my family knowing. The other issue I have is that I dont want to be identified as the "gay friend". I am gay...I know that...but thats not all I am. I want the first thing people think when they see me to be, "there's that crazy, happy girl" not, "my nice friend, who's a lesbian". No matter how homophilic people claim to be, I guarantee that society finds a way to mould people's thoughts (perhaps not their actions). I dont know...maybe I'm just a cynic....I just wish I lived on my own little island, where normal didn't exist. "Normal" is just a term to define an individual that conforms to 50% of the population. Why is it automatically assumed that everyone is heterosexual, and that being a homosexual is a disappointment? Anyway I just wanted to know if anyone felt the same and if someone identifies with my rant.xxxx
I feel exactly like you do, almost to every detail (although I'm probably not as exuberant as you are!) I too, have a number of people I enjoy spending time around and having fun with, but none of those people, none, know who I truly am inside, and it's an incredibly lonely feeling. It's like walking around inside a private cage that nobody can see. People look up to me; people think they know me; people enjoy me; and yet, they don't know such an important part of me. I want them to know, but I don't want them to all of a sudden forget all the other parts of me and focus on me not being straight, and maybe... I'll lose some friends, and maybe... my life as I know it will change forever. I, too, am worried about the spread of news down the grapevine. If I'm not careful about whom I approach, my parents will find out quickly. You said that: That's exactly how my parents react too, and that's exactly how I feel. You're not alone. Hopefully we'll both be able to get through this somehow, and find the help and the courage we need.
Hi there, and welcome to EC from Jim in Toronto! I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely right now. I can certainly understand why. I was older when I finally clued into the fact that I was gay. I see that as both a blessing and as a curse - in many ways. But relating to your situation, it was a blessing that I wasn't tormented inside about whether I should come out, when, and to who. I simply didn't know. But it was a curse as well, because I didn't really understand why I didn't fit in, why I wasn't really interested in dating, WHY I felt lonely. I think spending some time reading and writing here on EC would be helpful. We can understand where you're coming from and what your fears are. Don't allow your current situation or your parents' current attitudes dictate what 'forever' is going to look like. Never say never. Things, people, society, culture - they all change over time. I've only come out to a few people, but they certainly don't think of me differently than they did before. I'm not their gay friend, I'm still their good friend. I'm still Jim. And the things they liked about me before are still there. In fact, they know me better now than they ever have, because I'm no longer hiding a piece of myself from them or from myself. Again - welcome to EC, and good luck!
Your wall post actually brightened up my day. I know its weird because it's not like anything has changed...but I guess knowing that somewhere in the world, someone else is in exactly the same situation makes me feel a bit less alone. And you are right...I hope one day we can both find our path and that this fog will clear....I bloody hate the rain! Anyways thanks.
WOW! This describes me to the "T". I too sport that lonely and empty feeling that all you guys speak of. People look up to me because I am a police officer. Not only am I a police officer, but I have been placed on a pedestal in my community as a local hero. My training officer and I were both shot during a traffic stop 2 years ago, and I ended up having to do CPR on my partner. He is alive but paralyzed. I on the other hand didn't get hurt too badly because my vest caught the bullet. The locals have worshipped the ground that I walk on for the past two years, but I often wonder if they would have the same feeling if they knew I was gay. I risk my life daily and almost gave my life to protect the life and property of the same citizens that would probably turn their backs on me if they knew I was gay. I also work in one of the most homophobic careers. I often wonder if my fellow officers would have my back when the s*** hit the fan if they knew I was gay. I want to tell the world so that I too can be completely free, but I feel I have too much to lose. Hang in there, Silas! Keep your head up and keep smiling! We all just have to be there to support one another. Perhaps one day we all will live in a perfect world.
Even though you're afraid telling your friends, just starting with one you really trust (to accept you AND keep it a secret) would really help I think. It's hard, true, but it feels so good after you do it. And if he/she is a real friend, you'll be the same awesome person to them.
