Accepting yourself

I learnt to accept myself by coming out to my friends and being able to talk about it. Also, I realised that my sexuality isn't what describes me, there us so much more to people than just that and it shouldn't be such a big deal to love someone of the same gender. Unfortunately, I do still question my sexuality, but now that I'm out to everyone, I just have to accept that sexuality is fluid and if I ever fall in love with a guy, then whatever.

 

When I was in my twenties I had a secret gay life. I would occasionally sneak off to gay bars and the only gay night club in town. I had a double life but never accepted being gay.
I eventually got married to wonderful woman and buried my gay side, lying to myself. I lived an emotionally numb life. I dealt with the stress by physical exercise (running) and occasional bouts of very heavy drinking. In my 40's my wife dragged me along to a self-defence class, it turned out to be a full-contact martial art. She gave up after about a year but I continued. I got my black-belt while training in japan. Eventually I got to a stage in my training where I had to be emotionally honest with myself for the techniques to work (it was fairly high level stuff). I just could not do anything in training. So I took a break from it to “clear my head”.
A few months later I began to accept that I was gay and one night broke down crying and told my wife. After that there was no going back into the closet. I started going to a support for gay married men.
Accepting who I am, without reservations, has changed me completely. I am now more confident than ever. I haven’t gone back to the martial art but I continued my first love, running. Now I am running better than ever, occasionally placing in my age category in big races.
So what got me to accept myself was having to look deep inside myself. It lifted the black cloud of chronic low-level depression.

 

to the extent that I have accepted myself, it has been because of the people to whom I have come out, who have been supportive, loving, and encouraging. It's not something that I could have reached on my own. but there are still days...

 

It's a process Badger, and not necessarily one that can be hurried. It took me some time to go from realising I was/am gay to finally accepting the fact, and I don't deny that it was painful at times.

For me, it was becoming so stifling and depressing to live a secret life in the closet, pretending to be someone I wasn't and smiling politely at the comments about meeting and settling down with a girl that I could stand it no longer. It needed to be confronted before it consumed me.

I was helped by some gay people who shared their life experiences with me. They told me how it worked for them and reassured me that I would gain far more than I stood to lose. They were right.

If you haven't done so already, check out this information from the EC resources:
Empty Closets - Stages of Coming Out

 

It's normal to have worries and concerns about telling other people, after all, we don't know for sure how they will react. When you are dealing with uncertainty like that you are going to experience mixed feelings it's totally okay to find yourself doubting things Badger.

You have to remember that people come out in different ways and it often depends on how confident and self assured they are. When I came out, I did it face to face, but it took a lot me a long time and I wrestled with a lot of inner conflict. If I were to do it all over again, I'd probably write letters or cards to people. Do you think it would be better for you to come out in writing?

Writing a letter needn't be impersonal. If you really think about it and make a few drafts first you can say a lot about your personal journey and feelings. Once the letter has been read it's all out in the open, but you will not be confronted by the immediate reaction of the person reading it and that can make it seem less daunting.

Have a think about it Badger.