Well, the next chapter in my coming out story has been written...and it took an unwanted twist. I was forced out of the closet...by my boyfriend. My relationship with my boyfriend is different. It's been based online. We have never met in person but have talked face-to-face quite a lot thanks to Skype. We have been in and out of contact over the past couple of months since he was kicked out of his home on account of his sexuality. We have been planning on meeting up sometime this year and, in the future, moving in together (but that is, in my opinion, not to happen for another couple of years or so.) He is very, very anxious to commit. He keeps asking me if I will marry him, as if he's making an unofficial proposal. It's not a real proposal...he just wants to make sure that I won't leave him. After never having a father in his life, having his family scattered and, now, being kicked out of his home, I am all that he has left. I never really wanted a relationship with him to begin with but I couldn't say no when he asked me out. I can never say no to him. He won't let me, and that is a huge problem. In a way, I feel like his puppet. He knows that I am too nice to say no to him, so he manipulates me until he gets his way. I have been forcing myself to have feelings for him because I know that it will make him happy. Again, I'm afraid to say no because I don't want to crush his spirit. Although I have managed to conjure up some real feelings for him, they are significantly less than what he feels for me, and that isn't fair for either of us. Lately, he's been more forceful than ever. He keeps talking about coming to visit. Despite me hinting at that not being a good idea since I am not out to my family, he always says that he will figure something out. When I tell him that I am not ready to come out to my family, he tells me that he will take care of it. I told him not to and I believed him when he said no...but he did it. He forced me out. He posted on Facebook that we were engaged. To say that the whole world saw it is no understatement. It was posted while I was at work so I couldn't remove it until I got home after it had been up for 5 hours. I was quick to remove it when I had the opportunity. I've been denying it, saying I'm not gay or am just confused at the moment. Otherwise, I have asked everyone to disregard it as if it didn't happen. I want it to go away, but it won't. My family and friends will ask me about it whether I like it or not...and I can either dig myself into a deeper pit of lies or just tell the truth. This is a pickle. I have no idea what to do in this situation.
In regards to him, you should cut off all contact with him. Tell him you don't feel the same way about him, and that what he did was horrible and crossed the line. Then you need to cut off all contact with him. He is no good for you, and if you continue to have him in your life, he will continue to manipulate you and you will highly regret it. I understand that you feel you are all he has left, but that is just another way he is manipulating you. It isn't fair to him or you, and if you continue to be with him, this will just end badly for you both. As for being forced out of the closet, my advice would be to figure out who you are. Once you know who you are, then I suggest coming out and saying it on your own. If you deny it now and come out later, it will be much more difficult for people to believe you and it may make them believe that it is a choice, saying that you said you were one way before and now you're saying you are another. You could say you were just confused at the time, but they may say you are confused now as well. If it would be dangerous for you to come out though, then it might be better to play it off until you are safe to come out. I know all of this is probably pretty difficult for you, but the right thing to do is not always the easy thing to do. I'm sorry this happened to you, and I wish you luck in whatever course of action you decide to take on this, but I really hope you consider this advice. It may not be easy, but it needs to be done for both your sake and his.
I agree with ShadowSpirit. Run. The. Other. Way. As fast as you can. Block him on FB and do everything else ShadowSpirit suggested. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like, and honestly, he is not looking for a relationship, he's desperate for stability and you're the only place he can immediately look. It's a recipe for extreme codependence and disaster if it keeps up. And, as hard as it may be, I also agree that (unless there is a safety issue) you probably need to bite the bullet and come out now, or very soon, again, for the reasons ShadowSpirit mentioned. I'm really sorry this happened to you and I can imagine how knotted up, violated, and angry you must feel. No one should have this experience, and if you think about it, that should be a clear indication that this person isn't the slightest bit interested in your needs or wants. Please keep us up to date about what's going on.
Please don't take this the wrong way but what he did is a dick move in my opinion just tell your family he was just kidding
Yeah, I agree with everyone here... Completely cut off all communication and if you're not ready to come out, just deny it! And wow, that was a really really shitty move of him! I wish you all luck and and a hug for all the shittyness I've just read you're in
Block him immediately. He should be cut off completely from your life. Everything you describe points to a toxic relationship and having him in your life will only be a net negative. Sorry he did such a shitty thing to you
Well, I agree with everyone else in saying block him - forever. Despite all of your requests for him to say nothing, he did it. You simply cannot trust him to be reasonable or authentic now and there is something very unhealthy about his behaviour that you will be unable to overcome. Outing you is the very worst thing he could have done and I would say he has burnt all bridges now. I know you are a nice person and it will be difficult for you to never speak to him again, but you absolutely must do it, otherwise he will manipulate and control you so much that you will completely lose touch with yourself. Trust me, I've seen this before... I was involved in a brief relationship with someone like this and the only way to free myself of it was to break all contact permanently and stop listening to the tragic and extreme tales of woe. A few months ago you managed to come out to your Mom and I know how pleased you was to have her love and support. Now is the time to lean on her and tell the truth to everyone else who saw the Facebook post. I'm sure that idea fills you with so much fear and dread, but if you now launch into a frenzy of denial you will hand all power and control to him. Yes, he has backed you into a corner, but don't let him knock you out completely. If you shrink away from this horrible situation it will damage the most precious relationship you will ever know - the one with yourself. Remember we are all here for you.
Honestly, it doesn't even sound like you like this guy, never mind want to spend the rest of your life with him. I understand not wanting to hurt him (especially given the abandonment by his family), but you have to live your life for you. Besides, as much as it would crush him to lose you right now, I guarantee that it will hurt him even more later on. What do you think is more difficult -- to break up early on or to potentially go years believing you'll marry this person only to find out later that he never felt the same way and just couldn't find a way out? Besides, if you can't be honest with each other you really have nothing. You said it yourself -- the current situation isn't fair to either of you. In regards to his Facebook announcement, obviously that was a horrible thing for him to do. Something deeply personal like coming out is something that should always be done on your own terms and he took that from you. With that said, maybe you can use it as a blessing in disguise. At least in my experience, the longer you wait the more difficult it is to come out and I want more than anything for my parents to ask me because I haven't been able to initiate that conversation myself. Definitely deny your engagement because it's clear that won't happen, but if you're pushed about it maybe you can use this as an opportunity to finally get things out in the open and be yourself. I will perhaps be a little bit less harsh than some of the people in this thread though. While it was a colossal mistake for your boyfriend to put you in this position, I don't think there was any malicious intent. If he's really lost everybody else in his life, it's understand able that he's desperately trying to make sure you don't go away too, even if his efforts are having the opposite effect. If you care about him at all I don't think it's necessary to completely cut him from your life -- you can try to be his friend and support him in any way you can, just don't tell him what you think he wants to hear if it's not true. You definitely need to have a blunt conversation about where you stand with each other though. Good luck! =/
do whatever possible to break up with him and dont ever let someone else take advantage of you like he did
Ta just agreeing with everyone else here. He sounds like he's got attachment issues, and while I would normally be sympathetic that was a dick move on his part and you need to tell him you have no interest in someone who would do that to you. If you're not ready to come out, tell people he's your stalker.
I agree with what the others have said. I think it would be best for you to cease contact with him. It is unfortunate, but not a crime, that you don't feel the same way about him. What he did is inexcusable, and it shows a lack of respect for you. It also raises difficult trust issues; if you can't trust him not to out you against your will, how can you trust him with anything else? You don't need that kind of emotional manipulation, and you certainly don't deserve it. As for having been outed on social media, I'm sorry this has been forced upon you in a rather brutal way. But I wouldn't lie to people about your sexuality now, since it will only make things more difficult when you truly are ready to come out. If it were me, I would definitely deny the engagement, but if people started aggressively asking me if I was gay, and I wasn't ready to tell them, I'd say kindly but firmly tell them that it is none of their business. Because it is not. Best of luck to you. Please keep us updated!
PLEASE listen to Chip! This has all the marks of an abusive relationship. You will eventually get hurt, and I don't just mean emotionally.
There shouldn't be a safety issue for me. My dad is not abusive in the slightest. He can get heated at times, but he wouldn't be one to beat me or kick me out. My mom already knows and is accepting of me. I suppose that you are right. As much as I wish I didn't have to, I may as well tell the truth now to eliminate any further confusion.
the safety issue is with the "boyfriend" not your parents. he is exhibiting all the classic signs. check it out: Warning Signs of Abusive Personalities
I agree with you. His life is too fragile at this point to lose me. Everyone else in his life seems to have let him down and betrayed him. I am the only trustworthy and dependent person he has left. He needs me to get through his struggles and to get his life on track. I fear that, if I leave him behind completely, he will feel like he doesn't have a reason to go on. Although it will hurt him deeply, I think that it is best for me to call it quits on the relationship. I wasn't ready for a relationship to begin with. ---------- Post added 8th Feb 2015 at 10:02 PM ---------- I will definitely be more assertive with him from now on. I guess there is such a thing as being too nice. In wanting him to be happy, I forgot to keep myself happy, too. I will, most likely, tell him that I do not wish to continue dating at this time, or at least that we need to take a step back and slow down. I was much happier when we were just friends helping each other get through the struggles of coming out. Ever since we agreed to be in a relationship (which, really was his idea entirely. I had never considered it until he brought it up.) he has been getting more and more demanding and aggressive. He likes to pull the "if you love me enough, you'd do it" card. That is no way for a healthy relationship to be run. The whole experience scared me back into the deepest, darkest depths of the closet. I have gone back right back into questioning and denial. Because I was so unprepared for this, I have begun to feel shame for being gay and have wished that I were not. I've gone right back to the start. Clearly, his post has done more harm than good. It was en emotionally damaging experience for me. I know full well that I am gay, but the unexpected repercussions of this have damaged my self acceptance. Unfortunately, I have not been able to talk to him since it happened. He has been getting in trouble a lot for running away from the foster home he is in. Due to all of the pressure he is under from his life being in such disarray, he has been misbehaving and acting up. I am his only escape. On the night when it happened, he called me saying that his computer had been taken away and he wasn't even supposed to be on the phone. He did say sorry, but that just won't cut it. The next time I am able to talk to him, I will finally defend myself and speak up. As for right now, I need to do what I can to repair the damage that has been done to my self acceptance.
One of the hardest things to do is to let go of someone that you are the only support for. The codependent in you wants to be there, thinks it would be cruel to do otherwise, and the like. The reality is, it would be extremely codependent to stay with him for that reason, so you're absolutely making the right choice by getting out of the relationship. Expect that he may use guilt/manipulation/any tool he can to try to hold onto you, including threatening to kill himself. If he does that, let him know that you will have to call 911 if you believe he's a danger to himself... and then follow through if you feel the threat is credible. He will be angry and call you every name in the book, but this isn't a rational healthy relationship, and you need to set clear boundaries that basically involve blocking all contact. As for the piece about coming out: It really, really sucks to have that happen on somebody else's timeline and not on yours. And it's that much more scary because you really aren't ready. I do think that you will be much, much happier once you step into that scary place and do what you need to do, and that it will be a lot better to do it now and get it over with than to play the "deny now, be truthful later" game. Not like most people are going to really believe the denial anyway. ---------- Post added 8th Feb 2015 at 10:02 PM ---------- It's your call, but I seriously, seriously doubt that he will be able to adhere to any other boundary than a complete block. This is somebody who is desperate. I already hear you backing down, and he's going to sense that in a nanosecond and use it to walk all over you, because you don't yet have strong enough self esteem to simply say "No, you've so violated my trust that I cannot have you in my life." What he did to you was one of the worst violations, short of rape, that someone could do to another person. And he did it knowingly and intentionally, after you asked him not to, completely against your will, for his own selfish reasons. This isn't someone that deserves *shit* from you. On the contrary, this is someone who needs to do some serious self-work and that ain't going to happen if you continue to enable him. You. Deserve. Better. No, the foster home is where he needs to be. You aren't helping him. You are enabling his misbehavior in a serious, harmful, and extremely codependent way. The first step, I'd say, is to set very, very clear boundaries. Think about this situation... if you were advising some guy who had been abused and violated in the way you have... would you be recommending that he "take a step back" and continue talking to the person that violated him? Hell no. You'd be telling him to get the hell away. Codependents always having trouble treating themselves with the kindness and clarity that they give to everyone else. Codependents give to everyone else, but let everyone walk over them. You want to repair your self-esteem? Stand up for yourself. Don't waste time talking to him, he'll just manipulate you. Send him a text, email, facebook message or whatever and say goodbye. And then be done. My suspicion is that is what you'd advise someone else in your situation to do and if so... please take your own advice
I'll add my voice to those saying to get away from him and remove him from your life. Posting that you are engaged is not a "mistake"- its not posting a picture or something without thinking through that it may out you. He purposely did something that outed you before you were ready. As to you being his only escape... his actions have frankly made him undeserving of your support. If your support is that important, he should treat you in a way that earns the support. It even occurs to me... can you be sure you really ARE his only support, or could he be saying that to manipulate you?
