I'm a closeted bisexual in college with a troubled past and depressing present. Desperately in need of some advice. I know this is a lengthy post so kudos to those who actually read it. I've known my best friend for 3 years now. He is like a brother to me. He knows my family well and I know his. We can tell anything to each other (almost) and have no shame. I've opened up to him about things I've never told anyone and he understands me and vice versa. I can honestly say I love him but the problem is just that. I think I actually love him. We both are very straight acting males and have no luck with the ladies although I must add that we are both very good looking and capable of pulling in females. People ask us why we are single all the time. Our answers are similar in that we both are focusing on ourselves and college. In the 3 years of knowing him, I have never seen him do so much as kiss another girl. Because of this, I have thought of the idea of him being gay although its no more than a thought. Please do not take any offense when I say that we sometimes joke about homosexuals and act as if we hate or could never be one. (#ironic) I suspect a homosexual side of him at times although he does well to cover his tracks. A couple times I have found him sneaking a peak as I change, he once pretended to take pictures for snapchat as I came out of the gym shower, and he once asked that I try putting gold bonds body powder on my testicles while in front of him. All very suspicious in my eyes. I'd like to say I can spot a gay person easily but we all know that gays come in many flavors making it impossible to determine. I do know that he grew up with strong religion and in a home where homosexuality is frowned upon. He has a twin brother who often has sexual encounters in his home with several different partners. I would imagine that it upsets him that he does not have his brother's luck with women. More importantly is this... Recently, he called me and confessed that he lied about a lot of the sexual relations he claimed to have. He told me a very long elaborate story of how his first time giving oral sex to a woman was so traumatic that it scarred him mentally with women to this day. Supposedly, after the girl received the oral fellatio she told everyone that it was very bad, which embarrassed him enough to develop a fear of sexual contact... He's been seeing a very attractive woman at college and when she tried to have sex with him he could not "get it up" and so she suspected he was not attracted to her or just gay. He explained this to me and I believe him that it was because of his childhood fear. A big part of me believes every word because of our friendship but thinking rationally here, I have to think he may be in denial about his sexuality. I'd never force him out of the closet if that was the case but I do want to see him happy whether he is straight, gay, or bisexual. I was hoping he came out so that I could confess my secret with confidence however thats just not how the cards were dealt. So my questions are as follows. First: Given the information about my friend, do you think he is in denial about his sexuality? Secondly: If I were to come out to him, given his claimed hatred for gays, do you think he would accept it and continue to be my friend or would it change things between us (for worse)? And Third: If you think I should open up to him about my sexuality, do you think it would be a good idea to express my feelings for him? I appreciate any feedback at all. Thanks in advance!
I have a best friend on whom I had crush earlier but he was straight (truly) and who is now married. He was the first person to whom I came out - when I was not even sure about myself. Gradually I accepted myself and he has also accepted me. There has never been any issue in our friendship because of this. Yes, he is like my real brother ! We are still very close friends and we hope will continue to be so for lifetime. I have never confessed my feelings to him. There is no point of doing it, may be Coming towards your questions: 1. May be. No one in the world except he can confirm it. 2. If you are expecting him to accept you in one hour or a day - it may not happen that way. Considering you two are really best friends - I am sure he would continue to be your friend and your relationship will not worse. It may actually get stronger. He should definitely be listening to you if not accept or understand you. May be his hatred towards gay community will change in some time. Acceptance is most likely guaranteed in this situation in long term. Don't worry. If you are comfortable with yourself - just do it. It will be fine. 3. No. Not while you are coming out. May be only after he is very comfortable with this, you can just add that stuff in between talks randomly. Wait for signals from his side if you really want to talk about it seriously.. Don't give importance to it unnecessarily. Your real friendship is more important than your hope which may be false.
Thanks bro. Really appreciate your response. I started to tell him I was bi but pulled away. Part of me thinks he already knows but I value the friendship we have right now and I don't think any secret of mine is worth jeopardizing that. I'm going to take your advice and come out eventually but not that I'm into him. I can't thanks you enough. I hope you have better luck finding happiness than me.
The best thing you can do is focus on yourself. You should start coming out for you and not for the possible relationship you can have with him. Trust me, I used to be infatuated with my straight friend back in the day and I hoped and prayed that he'd come out to me one day. You have to take into consideration that friendships are intimate and that can be mistaken for romantic intimacy. Take a step back and focus on yourself and not your friend. Maybe once you come out, he'll talk to it about you if he's interested? (*hug*)
