So as we all know, the stages in coming out are Stage One - Identity Question Stage Two - Internal Identity Acceptance and Education Stage Three - Support Stage Four - Pride Stage Five - Relationships Stage Six - Telling the Family Stage Seven - Balance I want to know if the way these stages manifest in the mind differs from person to person and if it is possible to actually skip certain stages? I consciously have never been in a situation where I told myself "No! I don't want to be gay, I wish I was straight!!!" I have been in circumstances where I've been forcibly confronted by people about my sexual orientation and I have denied it merely out of fear of being judged but I never have wanted to not be gay. I am at a stage though where I am starting to fully accept the reality of being gay but in the past two years I've been overcome with anxiety and stress because somehow my mind is trying to convince me that maybe I'm "fooling myself" into thinking I'm gay and that instead I should admit that I am bisexual even though I never found myself looking at women the way I looked at men or even harboring any romantic/emotional connection. I feel like internalized thoughts are trying to get me to believe that there is no good in being gay and that life will never be happy or that if I come out as gay, I'll end up realizing that it was a mistake and that really, I'm bisexual. Are these signs of a stage where I have internalized guilt about coming out and kind of a way for my mind to "bargain" with my identity? I just feel the way my sexuality developed, it was a really slow process, that my coming out stages might be all Topsy turfy. Right now I feel like I am arguing with my brain and pleading to actually let me be gay and nothing else, don't turn me bisexual or what have you because I don't want to live that way. Is that a normal thing? I'm just so confused :icon_sad:
Yes it is actually possible to skip stages, it is even written there : "It is perfectly normal for a person to go through these stages in a different order or to even skip entire stages." I myself has never been in a situation where I don't want to be gay. I just rejected and repressed the whole emotions and never think about them. About your thought, I really think it is your internalized guilt and also fear of being wrong about your sexuality. It's okay, I think it's perfectly normal. You need more time to process and arrive at a neutral zone where you finally are able to think without being too confused. Good luck!
Hi, thanks for taking the time to answer! So you know how most people in the bargaining stage will argue they are in fact straight and don't want to be gay, well my thoughts are complete reversals but in place of being straight, it's bisexual My mind is trying to coax me into believing I'm bisexual and that I should accept that instead of being gay which I feel is quite weird seeing as I've yet to come across anyone feels that way I do. No one who is bisexual actively refutes their orientation even when they are figuring themselves out, they actively know they like both women and men so I am quite uncertain about myself. If I was truly bisexual would I be fighting this much to take on that label or am I a bisexual who is in denial? I sincerely hope I get to a "neutral" zone as you so kindly said because all these obsessive thoughts and mind games are just horrid.
It has been years since I read those... and looking back, it does seem like I skipped some. Or did them in different order, at least. Maybe they shouldn't be numbered or seen as stages. Up until the point where it all balances (and even afterwards), all of these are running processes. However, what it sounds like, is that this current crisis is brought about by inching closer and closer to that closet door. Because: it's all good and well and safe being deep in the closet. You can be whatever you want and no one even knows! It's consequence-free exploring (which is exactly the best kind of exploring to find out who you are). But then... you start actually thinking about opening the door and your mind recoils. Suddenly there's all of these consequences for coming out! It'll change stuff! You'll have to deal with the consequences and take real action! And if there is one thing about minds, it's that they dislike change. They're like Windows asking you over and over again "are you sure you want to install this program?" And every time you click "yes", you're wondering if Windows doesn't know some secret dark risk that you can't see. So maybe that's what's happening here. You want to walk out of the closet, but your mind is saying "wait. Maybe just open one door. And stand in the doorway. Be sure you're ready to jump in again when there's opposition! And you know you're gay for all of the reasons outlined before (seriously: you would know it if you were bisexual by now. You'd know if a girl has ever made you feel like a guy did), but as long as you're in that closet, your mind will grasp at any alternative, even if it doesn't fit the data. I do think that this may also be a sign that you're ready to tell someone. Maybe not the entire world, but one or a few good friends, at least. Often, when out minds start to race in circles and get obsessed with what-ifs, it's good to break open that circle and find out what those thoughts turn into when voiced to others!
Wow, I just never expected such a well thought out and meaningful message, I sincerely from the bottom of heart appreciate you for taking the time to say what you said because I can't even begin to tell you how comforting it is. I do have a question though, how will I know when I'm ready to talk to someone about it ? I was fighting through anxiety a lot last year, all because of this, and that manifested in an event where I came out to my Lit class at University, all 30 students including the professor, during an oral presentation I gave about Drag Culture and someone in the audience asked if I was gay to which I fessed up to. Despite coming out to the class, basically strangers who applauded, I still did not feel like it was right, it felt forced like I did it to spite my anxiety and prove to myself that "yeah I AM GAY" so because of that event I'm nervous and question will me coming out ever feel natural and relieving or will it always be just like that, awkward and inauthentic. I think a lot of my problems are caused by the fact that I can't confide with anyone in real life not even friends because Ii don't have any. I used to be surrounded by straight friends, most actually were/are homophobic and only one found out about me and stopped talking to me. I feel suffocated around family members and feel guilty being around them simply because I am gay, I don't know if they will understand what I'm going through. I want to seek out LGBT groups at University or else where but I have social anxiety so I keep my distance. A lot of my exposure to gay culture and people come from the internet so that's a lot of where my doubt springs from. I see men who identify as "gay" but then also are outspoken about them wanting to experiment with women or some say they have the capacity to fall in love with women emotionally, romantically and even involve themselves sexually. So my mind goes I have such a hard time solidifying my identity since I hardly see strong and proud gay men out there. I think our younger generation is following this free for all, hedonistic sexual liberation movement where we believe that sexuality is "fluid" and that there exists a myriad of sexualities to choose and pick from which would at the end of the day describe who we are. What confuses me though is that I fail to grasp what "GAY" really means! I grew up with that archaic understanding of sexuality, "Man and woman = heterosexual, Man and Man or Woman and Woman = Gay and Attraction to both = Bisexual" It's only in these past few years where I actively started becoming attune to my own self and sexuality that I realized that it's much more complex than that and that people can identify as much, much more. What confuses me though is how this "fluidity" applies to homosexuality, I mean when I come across someone who identifies as 90 percent gay and 5 percent "other" or a lesbian who says she has fallen for a man and is going to marry him or a gay man who strongly affirms himself as gay stating that if the event rises that he could fall for and be with a woman emotionally,romantically, and sexually I at the end of the day wonder what in blazes is "Sexuality" then and why does it have to be this chaotic and bizarre troubling thing. I just fear that if one day I come out to someone close, like family, and they throw that cliched "no, sexuality is a choice" bit at me and even though I'll want to firmly say "no it's not, it's something you're born with" I'll be forced to sit back and just be at a loss for words because how can I refute that when there is so much going on? How can I genuinely prove to them that I love men emotionally, romantically and physically without that thought that "anything is possible" because I mean aren't we young folk projecting that attitude nowadays anyways ? How do I react to the statement "well you just haven't found the right woman yet" because if we're so free with loosely applying labels to who we are, how can I possibly refute or accept that? Of course I'm not attracted to woman but if sexuality is so dynamic and fluid how I feel about myself feels so flawed, fake and disingenuous. I'm at a stage where I feel like being gay is such an isolating, lonely and bleak thing that I really don't have anyone to identify with or have anyone accept me simply for who I am. I just feel the idea of "you never know until you try" bit so discouraging and defeating because a very large part of me pines for simple acceptance, a life where I don't have to be forced to try to be with women or whomever I don't genuinely find myself attracted but that's all that seems to be around me, pressure to be someone I'm not and this whole movement we're going towards with a ton of labels and sexualities and ideologies clash with what I thought being "GAY" meant. Idk I just feel at a loss a lot of the times. Someone else told me on another forum that labels do not matter as they are just packaging and it's what inside that counts but then I look at Heterosexuals and how they are so unabashed in their identities, that they can project their label and all so proudly and I ask myself why can't I do that? Why do I come across men who are so loose and fluid with their sexualities and I end up triggering my anxiety and I start doubting my own self. Sigh it's just so very confusing. All I want is to have some definitive closure like other people seem to have, how they so proudly own their skin and get on with their lives.
Short answer: no one is as secure as they present themselves. They just don't come to you to tell all about it. You see a guy who is securely, totally straight, and is bragging about the awesome sex he had last night. The secret truth is that it was a rather lackluster evening, he had trouble getting it up, the sex was merely ordinary, and he's haunted by the memory of that time in college when he made out with his roommate one drunken evening. He'd just rather drop dead than opening up about it. OK, maybe that's not true for everyone all the time. People DO actually have a good time every so often But in a very real way, life is often like a Facebook feed. Many people only post the pictures of the great, the fun, the awesome moments. But that's just what they show. All of the grittyness of real life is there, only it's hidden between the lines. So: maybe the true acceptance lies not in finding a solid steel, bullet proof identity. But in accepting that there's always going to be ifs and buts and caveats. Those gay guys had to let go of the straitjacket of "living the ideal straight life", and instead of fleeing into "the ideal gay life", they found out that being open and vulnerable was better. That you don't need to prove your gayness to anyone. That accepting that life can throw weird things at you is better than pretending you're an impenetrable wall. That doesn't mean you can't be sure about a lot of things. They say you can't be sure until you try? Well, you've tried finding ways to like girls as more than platonic friends and found none. Hundreds of times already. You don't know what it would be like to be with a guy? you've imagined it. In excuisite detail. Hundreds of times already. They say it's a choice? You tried choosing otherwise. Hundreds of times already. Maybe the right woman is out there? Maybe. But you've never seen her, while you've seen people who could be the right man. Hundreds. of. times. already! You can't live your life in the waiting room based on the one in a million chance of an exception, and they'll just have to live with that. In any case: all you're seeing right now is people's tough exterior. And I do think that your best possible path is meeting them and finding out what's really inside. It's a shame if you can't do that with your current friends and family, but the uni (or other local) GLBT groups might prove just what you need. Don't let the social anxiety stop you! I have social anxiety as well. I literally hyperventilate if I have to enter a room with more than 10 people I don't know. But social anxiety should never stop you. It's something you know about yourself, and which you prepare for. Maybe start off with this: google for "[your location] GLBT". Write down what you find. Look at the contact info for one of them that seems friendly, and send them an e-mail. Tell them what you told us: that you're nervous, but really feel like you could use some GLBT friends. And see what they reply! All of this can be done from the safety of the very chair you're in right now, and you can walk away consequence free. But it might open a new world!
I think that the denial stage is just a reflection of feeling that there is something wrong about being gay, and something better about being straight. I went through a serious denial stage because everything that I wanted in life was prohibited to gay men. Being gay meant being exiled. But if there is no reason for someone to feel that being gay is in some way "less than", then there is no reason for a denial stage.
I really don't know what else to say other than Thank You. Whilst I read your message, the irrational, anxiety laden part of myself is screaming "YEAH BUT WHAT IT" and wants to just go on a trigger happy spree of worry and suffocating doubt but then at the same time the sane and rational part of me is trying to absorb whatever you've said and wholeheartedly agrees with you so rather than give in to the former, I'll just zip my trap and try to follow what you've so kindly told me. Thanks again!
