I'm planning to come out. any advice?

Hi Sean!

You said:

Mothers know a lot of things that we think they don't know. She probably does have suspicions about you, and that is her way of letting you know that she'll love you regardless. Consider it a blessing. However, even though she seems accepting now, there will still be some shock factor. She might be suspecting that you are gay, but when you confirm her suspicions, she will still have to have time to completely come to terms with it. Remember how long it took you to figure it out; it'll be new to her, and she'll need some time to digest it all too.

Coming out to your cousin first might be a good idea just as long as she knows how to keep her mouth shut. You want to be able to come out on your own terms and when the time is right for you. Only you know your cousin. If she's sensible, trustworthy, supportive, and can keep a secret, I say go for it. If not, abort mission and regroup.

I don't see where six and a half months is going to make any difference at all. Do it when and how it feels most comfortable to you. If you express yourself better by writing things, then send an e-mail, but if you tell things better face-to-face, then perhaps that is the approach that you shoud take.

To sum up my advice, trust your gut feeling. No one can tell you EXACTLY when and how you should come out; everybody's story is different. Two websites that you can recommend to your family and cousin when you do decide to come out to them are www.pflag.org and www.familyacceptance.org
Both are wonderful websites and are very educational. I wish you the best of luck my friend!!

 

Welcome to EC!

The best bet is direct, especially with people who appear to be able to handle it well. A good rule of thumb is this - people tend to take their cues from you. If you treat your homosexuality like a huge awful secret, if you pull them aside with tears in your eyes and say "I have to tell you something but you have to SWEAR not to tell anyone else!", if you build it up for five minutes and then whisper "I'm gay" with your hands over your eyes...well, they're going to take the news the same way. They'll treat it like it's a horrible thing, as well.

But if you're more matter-of-fact about it, if you say "Could I talk to you about something?", if you phrase it like "I've known I was gay for several years, and I think it's time I start telling people", maybe adding "I'm still working on telling other people, and I'd rather they hear it from me", then they'll accept it as no big deal.

Lex

 

dont email do it face-to-face and go at your own payst dont go ihavetotellyouimgay:eusa_sick really really fast and dont go i-a-m-g-a-y well you could but it might be sort of uncumftalbe so go at your own payst. and if you do tell her start of with "i need to tell you something important..." good luck!:icon_wink

 

The what you might try doing is writing everything out in a short note, and handing it to them. Then stay there while they read it. They'll understand why you're donig it that way.

Lex

 

You could also consider asking them rather than telling them. It might make it easier on you. Something along the lines of "just out of curiosity, how would you react if you found out I was gay?" Take your time and think carefully about how you will react. You might be surprised by their reaction. I came out to someone whom I thought had already worked it out and had been dropping hints at me; apparently she had not and it was I reading into what she said and did, she was completely shocked and dismayed by the whole thing.

 

I totally agree with Lex. This would be a good compromise between telling her in person and writing an email.

As for when to do it, here's my advice: do it when you're both alone, and know you will be for a little while, so you can talk about it without anyone eavesdropping or interrupting. Basically, a time and place you feel comfortable with.

 

Totally go for it!!

You seem to trust your cousin, so if after knowing her for a lifetime you trust her, I think she must be the first one.

You've got some AMAZING advices up here, you should follow one or all of them. Just be REALLY CLEAR about some points, such as the secret this is, how hard it's for you to do this, & how much you trust her; so she can act according to the circumpstances.

Best of lucks

 

It's a good start, but let me make some suggestions, if I may. That's all these are - suggestions. If you prefer your way, by all means, go for it.

"if you are reading this, I must've finally got the courage to give you this."

I think this gets things off on the wrong foot, on two fronts.

The only notes that start off with "If you are reading this" are notes with really bad news. You don't ever see "If you're reading this, I need to let you know that I bought you that bike for your birthday." It more often reads, "If you're reading this, it's because my assault on the Delta Five Omega base was unsuccessful..." Secondly, it's very impersonal. It sounds like you're handing the same note to a bunch of different people. It'd be best if you could personalize it for each person. It doesn't have to be hugely different, but even a "Sam - we've been friends for many years, and I'm really happy you're in my life" would be great. It'll make them feel more special that you're trusting them with this piece of information.

"You are the first one I'm telling this to."

Obviously, this is only going to be true once. That's fine if you want to use it for that one person, but it may be best if you kept it more generic, and removed any hint of a "race". ("He told me second!") "I think it's important at this point to start telling the important people in my life..."

"I am gay. I have known I was gay for some time now. I'm very sure of it. I needed to share it with someone. I don't want to hide this part of my life anymore."

This part is quite good, although the "needed" part might be better phrased like I did above.

"I have known I was gay when I was 8, but never showed it. I only knew what the word for it was when I was 11, and since then, I've been certain about it."

Nothing wrong with this part, but then again, it doesn't really add much except history to the note. You can either leave it in or take it out, your choice.

"I know this is probably a shock to you, and I'm not entirely eager to see your reaction, but you seemed the best person to tell first."

A couple issues here. For instance, you don't know if it'll be a shock. For all you know, they guessed long ago. (You'd be surprised how many people have, for all of us.) And you don't want to give them a guilt trip about their reaction. Yeah, we'd all love it if they just gave us a hug and a smile, but people are going to respond how they're gonna respond. What matters isn't how they feel - they can't help that - but how they act. If they look shocked or confused or even disgusted, that's OK as long as they say "Well, I'll still be your friend."

"this won't change anything about me, I will still be the same person I have been.
I'm still working on telling other people, and I'd rather they hear it from me, so please let me tell everyone else."

Good, but you might want to alter the end a bit. Bring them on board. "Perhaps you can help me work on how to tell others." And leave the door open. As tough as it may be, you'll probably want to add "If you want to talk about this at all, let me know." If they're gonna be by your side, they have a write to find out more about it. You may have to write your answers to their questions, but that's cool.

Lex