1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Easier to get caught than to come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Wildside, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    My doctor mentioned to me in conversation that he's heard that it's easier to get caught than to come out. There is certainly a broad spectrum of how you can get "caught," the most benign perhaps being your browser history; and the most profound being, well I won't go there. But I have my doubts about that. While it does just get it out there, I said that I think that we completely lose control of the process when we get caught, and it probably won't go how we want it to, or on a time table that we could control. Any thoughts? :confused2:
     
  2. CrazyAwkward

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2014
    Messages:
    446
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    MA
    Coming out was hard, but I think getting caught in some way would have been more difficult for me to deal with. At least when I came out it was when I wanted to, how I wanted to, and to who I wanted to come out to. Having no control over any of that would have sent me spiraling into an emotional breakdown, I think.
     
  3. danielo21

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2014
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Well, getting caught is much eaiser. I am sure many gay men "came out" because their spouses found out the evidence and that forced to speak about it. Also the spouse has some time to grasp the news.

    The downside is that is it more hurful for the spouse, especially is there is an implication of cheating. However there are some people which are very difficult to talk to, and chose not to debate things at all. In that case I think getting caught is an easier decision.

    For me, I would/will tell decent and important people in my life, or strangers. I maybe would get caught If I couldn't bring myself to do it or if I don't want to initiate a conversation because of the other person`s character. However, in the latter case I would try to find a way that doesn't appear to be cheating, it probably only increases the drama.
     
    #3 danielo21, Feb 17, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2015
  4. ANewDawn

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2014
    Messages:
    311
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Florida
    It eliminates the pre-coming out nerves, but I would rather have a conversation where I'm prepared and have at least some control over the situation. Also like danielo21 said, you're atrting off the process letting the other person know you trust them if you tell them personally.
     
  5. guitar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2015
    Messages:
    2,062
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Southern Ontario, Canada
    I think it helps to drop hints. Give people the impression you might be LGBT before outright saying it because it softens the blow & won't blindside them.
     
  6. CyberScream

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2015
    Messages:
    172
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Illinois
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I mean... sometimes I wish I could set up getting caught. It would certainly lift the burden, but some of our situations... it would certainly open up a much bigger can of worms than just coming out. In the end we all fear the result... but yeah... it probably is easier getting caught...
     
  7. Acm

    Acm Guest

    I don't know if it applies to me because I was coming out as trans, but I got caught, and I feel like it's sort of a mixed bag. In some ways I'm glad it happened because I was so scared I don't know when I ever would have came out otherwise. On the flip side, I wish I could've had a chance to plan it out first. I was so scared and caught off guard that I feel like I didn't get to say what I really wanted to say about it.
     
  8. Michael

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2014
    Messages:
    2,602
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I don't think there is much that we can control. You can't go inside other people's heads and flip switches, you know... Depending on your enviroment, you'll face more or less discrimination, gossip and the rest.

    You can just stand there, look at them at the eye, and answer if they ask questions. The answers you give, and how you give them, are up to you. Yeah, there are pretty ways to talk about feelings, and all that, but when it comes to a hostile enviroment, they are all useless. You are left alone in the middle, being pointed at, and that's all. At some point they'll stop staring and whispering and will move on... Eventually.

    At least that is what happened with my uncle, who came out as gay. The person who told me was all giggles. It was sad, very sad... But after a few years, and quite a few conversations, you know the kind of people you are dealing with, so even if it's sad, there are no surprises...

    I think it's better to get ready for when you get caught, just in case, and be ready for the worst. To come out requires a plan, resources... And then the news will spread anyways, beyond your control, in ways you never imagined.

    Me, I won't have much options in a few months to keep it as a secret, so I wonder if it's worth it coming out to the bad side of the family... Let them have a piece, let them taste it... I know they won't understand it anyways, that it won't make any difference if I come out or not... So, I think your doc was right... The easiest is to get caught.


    However to come out to someone you trust can be very rewarding, even if they are not ready to understand it. To hear from them I will still love you feels just great.

    We should never take this too personally. To other people, the juiciest kind of gossip is other's people sex lives, and they include orientation and gender on that package. That is the reason behind all the giggles and silly reactions.
     
    #8 Michael, Feb 17, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2015
  9. AlexIs94

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2015
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto, Ontario
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    My situation was a cross between being caught and telling them myself. My father had noticed something was different about me and cornered me in my room until I told him what was up. I would say to introduce the idea yourself on your own terms so that this doesn't happen to you.

    Being forced to tell someone when you aren't ready is the worst. I was still fully comprehending how I am when my dad cornered me so it was quite awkward and I hope you can avoid that situation.
     
  10. happydavid

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2014
    Messages:
    1,617
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    A town near Birmingham England
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I see what he means but how would the person feel who caches you
     
  11. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    wow, there is so much phenomenal insight here. I especially appreciate what you had to say, Vodkabaret. It brings together a lot of the thoughts and distills it into some solid wisdom. What I'm coming to as I read everyone's perspectives is that coming out to people who I know will help me, support me, and give me reliable guidance is a good thing, and I should continue to do that. But walking into a buzz saw "just because" makes no sense, and I don't owe that to anyone. The person who "catches" me will react the same way whether I tell them or they stumble on it, and if it is someone who I'm pretty sure will make things bad for me, that's better left for another day.
    But the thought of being prepared for it coming out is REALLY good advice. I have already made the decision that I will answer questions truthfully if and when I am asked, at least as far as my orientation goes, and up to a certain limit. Boundaries are important; so, when questions come that are out of bounds, I will politely say so, and decline to answer. But to a question like "are you gay?" I would answer yes. I think that I have a plan and the resources for the worst case situation.
    Giving hints hasn't worked at all. And where there has never been good communication or support, trying to have a conversation doesn't work so well either. In fact, some attempts at having a conversation have been shut down. I guess I have been struggling under the idea that we're just all supposed to come out to everyone in one particular way.
    My doctor asked me what I wanted in life. I told him I just want to be who I am. I said that I just want to live my life as a gay man, as the gay man that I am. He responded, "well, you're already doing that." That really left me pretty confused; but as I read some of the comments here, it's starting to make more sense. As background, my doctor is an openly gay man, and probably most of the patients in his practice are gay, so he has a pretty good idea of where I'm coming from, and what our experience is.
    I do tend to agree with the advice columnist Dan Savage, who says that where there is no sex in a relationship, there is no cheating by having sex outside the relationship. I know that not everyone agrees with that, but it makes sense to me. :shrug:
     
    #11 Wildside, Feb 18, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 18, 2015