I got engaged last year to a wonderful girl after dating for two years, but broke it off in around the holidays when I told her I thought I might be bi-sexual. But now I am missing my (ex) fiancee a lot and just feeling sad about the relationship and hurting her - I am not sure what I need to do but wish I felt better or more sure about all my decisions. I saw her at the gym on Sunday and it was very hard - I have not talked to her for 10 days now, and I know she feels she is waiting for me to come to some decision or be able to come back. It is so hard not having her around.
Welcome. It's definitely a challenge to let go of a relationship, particularly one in which you're engaged, but my guess is that you made the right decision. That doesn't make it hurt any less, nor does it take away the concern about hurting her. Those are painful feelings no matter what and I know what that feels like. One thing that can help a little is the understanding that if, in fact, you're attracted to men substantially more than women, you've actually done her an enormous favor... you need only read the "Later in Life" forum here to see what happens when people go into marriages when they aren't being true to themselves. It is much, much worse, with a lot more pain, to extricate yourself than it is to fix the problem before it's a real problem. So as difficult as it is, it sounds like you made a difficult but wise choice. What's important here is to work through what you're feeling. If you broke off the engagement because you thought you "might be bisexual", my guess is that you probably have a bit more certainty than that comment would imply, as most people wouldn't break off an engagement based on a "might" be... if you get my drift. So I'm wondering if you're in the process of thinking about your attractions and trying to figure out where you are on the spectrum? If so, then is that something you feel comfortable talking about?
a part of this dilemma hinges on how she responded. did she understand, and agree with you that a breakup was the right thing to do? or was she accepting, and wanting to make it work? If you were gay, there wouldn't be any question about the breakup being the only option. But if you're bi, it really depends on the two of you. In which case, I would say that you might want to invite her out for coffee. And if that's not the case, you might want to just find another gym.
She was initially accepting of being bisexual after I told her - it's not her ideal situation but she wanted to try and make it work. We went to a session of couples counseling together, but the real issue for her is commitment - she is ready to get married and have a family and I just can't commit to anything in the future until I know myself. So that ended up being the ultimate driver of the breakup. The attraction is hard - when I first started having these feelings about men - particularly watching gay porn was a turn on - I tried to prove to myself that I was gay and not attracted to her at all. But we spent a week together after I told her and it opened up a can of worms in that I am still very attracted to her as well. I am very tortured by the fact that I am the one who did all of this, I am the one who broke up. I know why, but it just makes me sad and I feel lost and unsure of what the future will hold. I am not excited and I really just miss her so much. Nothing seems the same without her in it. That being said, I have to try to remember why things are the way they are and I have such a tendency to look at the past with rose colored glasses. Things were not going well, we had been fighting constantly for months (about the commitment? Because I was questioning?) and this is not a good situation to be going through when you are engaged to be married. Maybe I was scared, maybe everything - but I just need to figure out who I am and who I want to be and unfortunately that is not something easy to do. I wish things were different and that I could have gone ahead with things. I wish that I had not hurt people and especially her the way I have. I wish I felt more sure about my decision and how I felt. I am so scared that I am leaving something good since I am scared. I feel so bad about leaving but also know I cannot go back unless I figure out how to be at peace with myself. I feel so torn though.
Hi caliguy85, I am only going on from what I understand, so you can leave or take whatever I say with a pinch of salt or not. From the sounds of it, you love her very much, right? But you have this attraction for men as well. Even though, (I could be wrong here) your fiancee was accepting about you being questioning or bi, again from the sounds of this she seems to be have some doubts from her part about you doing something to hurt your relationship and maybe pre-empting what could happen. There are many bi-sexual people who are in long relationships and it's not about the gender or the sex, like any other relationship it's what the person brings, which you obviously noticed when you was with her, because you seem to love her very much. What you are going through is a very sad situation, because you are getting feelings at a very odd time. But, you cannot judge or suppress sexuality. At the same time, if you have feelings for men, your going to cheat on her. So I'd say, do what you feel you need to do, if you feel your not getting anywhere with your ex-fiancee, take sometime out for yourself. I am not saying start having sex, because that's a no-no. Maybe, find a local LGBT social group, so you can get to be around people and get advice, because you have done the first step in coming to this site in order to understand what you are feeling. If you can find a LGBT group or something related to that within that area, it might help you to understand that it doesn't have to be just about sex, some people feel being around people that are like themselves LGBT or not may give them a better understanding and knowledge rather then jumping in bed with the same sex. If you still want to get back with your ex - fiancee, If you are still in communication with her, from the sounds of your message, you are not. But, if you are able to talk to her and think of a way that might help her to understand. Because, most people's fears could be from generalisations, so I'd say if you are able to reassure her in some way, she might come round? I don't know if you tried this out, I'm just brain-storming here...I hope this helps?
