Finding my value

Hi everybody. I haven't been here for a while because i went to Europe on the Vimmy Ridge memorial (most Canadians will know what that is), and i've had problems woth my computer, but besides the point (and this maybe a bit long).

Ever since i remember i've always had this feeling about being different, and i don't mean sexually. As i got older (i'm 17), i never said "oh, i'm gay, that's why i always felt differnt", but i always have things feeling. From grade 5-7 i was harrased, beaten up, teased and anything you can imagne. My parents never cared, or noticed but i don't want to make this about them. I eventually switched schools, and thought thinsg would get better, but they didn;t. Then going into Highschool i thought things would chnage, but they didn't. Although i have alwys managed to make one friend who will last a year, and then that;s it. One male i met in grade 9 was really good friend.

He was the first person to ever come oer to my house for lunch, the first friend i went to the movies with, talked with and so forth. But for otehr reason which i wont say (becasue i don't blame him or want to be mad at him), were not exactly friends. After that i just made my way from classroom to classroom just hoping for th best. But i never understood. I know it' simple and not the reason, but sometimes i thik maybe it was a joke i made, a comment, a view i shared, an opinion, a book/project or something like that and that's why people don`t want to be my friend.

But that's what i don't get. Ever report card i have ever been given, every teacher has said, i'm enthusiastic, good, spirit, and that's what people say about me. I'm funny, i'm a good listener, i'm a good friend, i'm supportive, and everything; but then what's wrong! I don't drink, i don't due drugs, i dress normal, i talk normal, i do average, I DON'T KNOW! I try to tell myself that there is nothing wrong but there is the subconcioud feeling that there is. I mean there aredays when i'll watch a Will and Grace episode or hear the "You are beautiful" song and i am proud, but it's not thti'm not or ever wasn't proud.

In my opinion this has nothing to do with my sexuality. People tell me that NOBODY cares, and (to my understanding, and not that i ad anything to do with it [people and there big mouths], evrbody knows i'm gay. But i've been on hockey teams, i've gone to movies, peoples houses, and so forth with these straight guys, and for that brief time we talked and were friends, but then we stopped. I don't know why.

On really bad days and i'm crying i'll ask my self what's wrong. Is it something about the way i look, and all that otehr stuff i listed. I just don't know. I know people will suggest that i should think of thngs that make me feel good, and things i like about my self and stuff like that, but i don't know. Maybe there isn't a reason and in 3 months when i go to Waterloo (University) i will be hapier, and things will change. I can only hope. I'm just living with so much regreat and jealousy. If i had gone on that 'grade 10 trip' in grade 10, had i sat at this table instead of that, had i done this insteda of that and more.

Maybe there isn't an answer and i'm just ranting and raving and so forth, but trust me, it helps just a little bit. It's funny, when i saw that movie "The Night Listener" it ws amazing to see what that lady did for attention. I'm not saying i'm using my grief for attention but you almost want grab somebody and say "look at what i' going through" but then againn ou don't. Any who, thanks for listening, and this maybe just be a pointless rant but least i got it out.

Thank Guys