Hi, I'm new to these forums, but I've recently been put into a situation that I have no idea how to handle and (sort of) desperately need advice. Long story short, I've been dating my best friend for two years and am now being forced to come out to my parents. Her parents found out about our relationship a year or so after we started dating, and since have banned sleep-overs with her unless other friends are over as well-- or on rare occasion on family trips. I'm officially out to only two of my friends other than my girlfriend though I'm guessing several others may suspect. My family does not know yet, as they are rather conservative and I don't think I'm ready to come out to them. I'm not terribly close with my father, and I don't have much of an idea for how he will respond-- I'd guess he'd be somewhat accepting? But my mother I have no idea... she's definitely homophobic. I had been planning on perhaps telling them during/after college, but now I don't know... The other day I was working on a large project at my high school and stayed at school until close to four in the morning, and rather than sleep at the school without any blankets, I offered for my girlfriend and other friend to sleep at my house. They agreed, though the next morning, my girlfriend's parents texted her telling her that they 'have been forced" to talk to my parents about our relationship. So now they're telling me that I have till the end of the week to either come out to my parents, or they're going to call my parents and out me. I just have no idea what to do. I talked to my girlfriend, and she has tried to reason with her parents but I don't really know how that will turn out. Advice? Thank you in advance.
Hi KatoSibo, welcome to EC! What your GF's parents have threatened to do is beyond disgusting. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Do you belong to an ethnic community that has particular issues with homosexuality? There really are only two viable options: 1) beat her parents to the punch and come out to your own parents. Tell them what happened and how you were forced to do this because of the threat her parents made (this will normally not be something your parents would take kindly, but no one here can say for sure) 2) say nothing and let them tell your parents, then come clean and explain everything. Denial of these accusations will definitely not work, I strongly discourage it. None of these options are palatable, but if your parents have a shred of decency, they will first, love you without condition, and second, become rather angry with what your GF's parents have threatened to do. Your parents need to see this as a violation of your (and their!) privacy, they may also feel embarrassed, which will not go well. Option 1 is probably the better way to go, as you can hopefully get your parents on your side. However, only you know what is best given your circumstances. If you do come out to your parents, you need not tell your GF, let her parents meet with yours...they'll be ready, and hopefully (one can only hope!), they will defend you and mention how terribly they have made you feel. I wish you the best of luck, check out our resources on coming out, you may also consider writing a letter explaining everything.
Your GF's parents are being homophobic and extremely cruel. I'm so sorry about what happened, and like greatwhale said, it might be best to take the ladder and come out to your parents first and tell them what happened. That said, considering the circumstances, it might also be best to leave your GF out of the conversation, at least for now. while you can just wait for your GF's parents to tell yours, it's probably not the best option since they are more likely to tell them about your GF. And if all else fails, you can wait and then pretend that you have no idea what your GF's parents are talking about (note: this should only be used as a very last resort). I'm really sorry once again about what happened and hope things work out with your GF and your parents.
I'm wondering if it would make sense to just talk to the GF parents yourself and explain politely that you are not ready to come out to your parents and that their actions could be extremely damaging for various reasons. That their daughter cares about you and that hurting you is paramount to hurting her. Maybe also apologize for any distress you might have unintentionally caused them. I would avoid acting in a hostile or aggressive manner as you want to change their perspective and help them see the world through your eyes. You want them to realize that they misjudged the situation an that their response was problematic.
Although it would be nice for them to react this way with mercy and kindness, you're talking about people who have already made threatening statements. I'd consider this quite an unlikely response.
You are probably right. However, we often perceive a situation as more dire than it actually is. In the end, the GF parents knew about the relationship for a year, they were obviously upset with the daughter staying with her GF and made some assumptions about the nature of the visit. The question is: what has changed that they feel the need to threaten in such a way. Maybe they were worried about their daughter's safety and responded badly when they learned that she stayed at her GF house. What will happen to the relationship between the two girls if the parents aren't pacified and they feel the need to out Kato. Coming out to the parents might limit the damage done but it will also do nothing to mend the situation that exists in relation to the GF parents. Why are they acting as they are? What narrative is influencing their decisions? What will be their response if Kato outs herself, will it really pacify them or might it just aggrevate the situation?
