So I've been feeling confident in my sexuality for some time now, and feel ready to come out. But I'm not sure how. I want to come out to my family (sister first), then my friends. I live by myself, and my family lives an hour away, so I visit them maybe once a month. I've been thinking about coming out for some time now. I stopped acting straight in front of family/friends and occasionally defend LGBT rights. My mother even hinted to me once that it would be okay if I was gay, which is unbelievable considering her conservative background, and how she usually tends to talk about my future wife. The problem is that I can't seem to figure out how to go about coming out. I want to come out to my sister first, but then I want us to be alone, and despite her claiming to want to spend time with me and missing me, I can't remember the last time I was with her alone. Usually when I visit my family, she's out with her friends, or she's home but my parents are there as well. I understand her since she's busy with work and wants to have fun during the weekends when I'm there, but it makes things difficult since I want us to be alone before coming out. This may seem like a trivial problem, but I'm an expert procrastinator. Since a year back, I've been wanting to come out, staying away from the dating scene until I come out. I have essentially put my life on hold. I was with my family during the entire summer, when I had originally planned to come out, but despite my plans and having plenty of free time during the summer, it somehow didn't happen. I'm sick of dragging things out, and I genuinely want to come out to my family (sister then parents). I think I need a more specific plan on where to go with my sister and what to say, or I'll just keep postponing it. Anyone have any personal experience on something similar, or advice?
well, it's different how we come out to each person, depending on our own personalities, the other people, the nature of our relationships with them, etc etc. But as you describe your sister, it seems like you just need to set up the situations for the two of you to be alone. Can you invite her out somewhere just the two of you for some brother and sister time, like going for coffee, or ice cream, or lunch, or a walk, anything that you could do just with her. the invitation itself will probably get her thinking that you have something important to talk to her about. Once you tell her, you might be able to just talk to your mother. if you have any real fear of telling anyone in particular, you can always write it out.
Having recently just come out to my parents and a handful of close friends, I can relate to your anxiety about planning where and how to tell those closest to you that you're gay. As it happens, I came out to my sister first. I knew I wanted to tell her but didn't have a speech planned or anything. I just sort of blurted it out when she made a joke about a sweater I was wearing (she thought it looked gay). But for everyone else, I did some planning. It sounds like you already know what you want to tell your family. Here's some tips based on my experience about finding the right place and moment: - For your sister, why not call or email her and say you have something important to tell her and can she please meet you for lunch/dinner sometime next weekend? You're not lying, it's casual enough that she won't probe prematurely, but you're making it clear that you want to talk to her so she should make herself available to see you. - Once you're out to her and you're ready to come out to your parents, I'd suggest telling your parents at the dinner table with your sister present. That's exactly what I did, and my sister was a valuable ally during that discussion. - For your friends, I'd do the same thing you did with your sister. Depending on how close you are to them, you might chose not to alert them beforehand that you have something important to tell them. Call a friend over to your place for dinner or drinks, and then tell them you have some news you'd like to share. - I agree with Wildside that writing down a coming out speech is very helpful. I did it for my best friend and parents. I didn't actually send the letter, but it was immensely useful to me to have my thoughts organized on paper. So far, I came out to everyone in person, but it's possible I'll want to do it in writing for people in my life who won't react well. If procrastination is your problem, I would force yourself to set a date by telling your sister you need to talk to her on x day at x time, just the two of you. Make sure you tell her you have news you want to share. That way, even if you have to postpone, she'll know there's something you need to get off your chest. It's only momentarily scary; you'll feel relieved once you're out.
Hi Trooper I think all of us has been there. I know I put a lot of time planning and trying to get the right situation set up. It's been my experience that saying it is really all that matters. How close are you with your sister and how much do you talk to her? If you talk regularly on the phone you can just tell her there. I know it isn't as personal but when I have it has gone well and then they want to meet up for dinner or lunch. It takes away building it up into a big deal. I try and keep it as much of a non issue as possible. My biggest piece of advice would not to bury the lead with a lot of preamble. I did this to my mom and it just got tougher to say. I think it took about 5 minutes to spit it out and by the time I did I think she thought I was going tell her I was going to jail or dying. Just spit out something like " I have to tell you something. I'm gay". Anyways just my 2 cents, I'm fair from an expert and have struggled coming out for 10 years so take this with a grain of salt.
I would suggest coming out to some of your trustable friends first to get used to announcing it. I remember the first time I came out was to a friend, who unfortunately betrayed me and told everyone in school. The next day in first period someone in class asked me if I really was gay. I was so nervous but decided to go with it anyway and let them know. After that the whole class was like D: and I just laughed. Then everyone went back to acting normal. Dare I mention the convo I had after, though. Let's just say that the entire class found out I wasn't a virgin and it spread like a wild fire! xD Just don't come out like me. Make sure you can trust whomever you choose to tell first!
Invite your sister to your place for dinner, and tell her that you have someone she does not know you want her to meet. When she gets there for dinner, tell her that the person she doesn't know is YOU.
I did it!!! I finally told someone, my sister. I feel so relieved to have finally told someone. I can't believe I finally did it. Staying true to my ways, I did it with the worst timing possible. My sister's friend was coming over, and I waited until she (the friend) was right outside our house before I told my sister. She took it well, hugged me, and said it made no difference. But we had no time to discuss it further. She promised we'll hang out more tonight or tomorrow though. But I must say I'm a bit stressed out since there was no time for us to process it and talk about it more. I followed NewKid87's advice below and set a time, which worked for preparing me mentally. So thanks for that! Her friend came over sooner than expected. So I just blurted out suddenly that I have something to tell her, and just said "I am gay". Her friend was literally in the room within a minute. I would not recommend doing it this way, but I honestly saw no other way out of it since otherwise I might not have seen her for another month, and I was just sick of waiting (been postponing this for over a year). I feel bad for telling her this way, though, since she had no time to process it. I did have time to apologize about the timing, but she told me it's fine. She asked if I had planned it this way, and I had to explain it definitely wasn't strategic, but I just have a horrible procrastination tendancy. So there! Feels a bit unreal that I finally did it, but I definitely feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Feeling a bit optimistic about my future for the first time in a long time. I have to thank this community and the mods/admins, I have a lot to thank you for.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! :eusa_danc. In one way, the timing was good. You got it out. And then some time for reflection. But you're out!!! The conversations will come, but you'll go into them already knowing that your sister accepts you, and you don't have the "coming out" thing hanging over you.
Thanks! She was very surprised and hadn't guessed it at all, which I thought she would have (never had a girlfriend). I'm hoping she won't look at me differently though.
I personally am competely useless at expressing myself emotionally verbally. So I found it easiest to write it. I'm out to about 12 friends but not my family, not because I think they'll react badly it's just a hard conversation to have anyway. With 10 out of those 12 friends I told via a Facebook message actually as we were/are in different countries at the time and it was the most immediate and easy way to do it. For me written was much easier. Whether that has anything psycologically to do with not having to say it out loud and acceptance - who knows. I've told 2 people in person and that was basically done via me explaining that I'd met someone that I liked, that her name was ..... and that though she's not that way inclined and therefore nothing will come of it, the feelings I have for her cemented what I already knew in that I love someone for who they are as a person and therefore their sex is irrelevent. Everyone, bar one person, has been fantastic. Some even said they kinda figured already which was interesting. Telling someone is a massive weight off your shoulders and you'll feel amazing for it. It took me 3 years to tell 1 person then another year to tell the second then within 2 weeks I'd told another 10. It's freeing. Good uck I'm sure it'll go great! (*hug*)
