I've been complaining forever on how hard it is to meet gay people without putting myself out there on the internet. It had me really depressed for a long time and right now I'm preety much alone. I know if I don't do something big, this summer is going to really suck. I thought going to a gay club would be ideal to meet people. And suddenly now that I can go out this weekend, it doesn't sound like such an awesome solution. I went to a much smaller gay party a few months ago and it was awful, I was embarassed to be there, really hated how straight people saw me there, even the bodyguard, I sat most of the time and then when I danced for 5 seconds, I couldn't do it because I felt so pathetic dancing with such a lost/sad face and went back home hating it all. Now this weekend I have a rare chance to start off this summer and pull myself out of this dead state. But I just pictued in my head what it would be like and I get the same vibes I did the other time. I don't see it like I'll party all night being happy without this sad/lost face that will make me wanna leave the place out of embarassment.. Cause I'm not in a better place in my life right now, I'm just more desperate to change it than before. It's not even the shame that keeps me from feeling free, I'd probably be the same at a straight party because that's the person I've become that isn't interested in anything. It's not the real or normal me but it sticks with me. Not having a real friend or someone that knows anything about my last 5 years sure doesn't help. I accepted that I'm gay and I want experience but I don't feel proud to be at that place at all. I don't want everyone to see me there. It's the biggest gay club around here and it almost equals coming out. It's supposed to be a fun thing to do, not the lifechanging decision that it might be if someone sees me. I don't want people that know my family (like my brother's friends) to see me near that place... can you imagine how embarassing it can be for some? I accepted myself and yet I still feel shame to go to such a place. I'll hate myself if I go and I'll hate myself if I don't.
Hey Cloud, From your description, you have not really accepted yourself yet. You have to reach a point where you don't care who sees you and you can totally relax just being yourself. My first few times in a gay bar (just last year) were downright frightening, deathly afraid I might run into someone who knows me. Sure enough, that's what happened. No damage though because we were casual friends already, just rather shocking for both of us (he's married with kids). Getting the courage to be comfortable with yourself takes time...and effort. Don't pass up opportunities to meet other gay folks, even if you think you're putting on a sad/lost face. I think a lot of guys would find that attractive. It's about like public speaking or stagefright. There are ways to get over it, especially if you're feeling confident and good about yourself. How can you expect someone to like you if you don't like yourself? Just my thoughts. And don't skip the party this weekend or you'll be sulking, wondering what you missed :eusa_booh . If you're really desperate to change your outlook, then make the move.
I have to agree with Lorenz. You need to feel good about yourself, and accept yourself as you are before you're going to have a good time when you're 'out on the town'. That, I know, is easier said than done. Going out alone would also be more difficult. Is there a way for you to meet other gays in your city somewhere else? A gay youth support group or something? You might make a friend that has similar interests. Then going out to a club wouldn't seem nearly as lonely an experience. But if you do go out alone, you need to do it with the right attitude. No pressure to 'meet' someone, or even make a new friend. I think when we're trying it never happens, and when we're not someone just seems to come along... Go out, and smile, and say hi to people. They'll more than likely smile and say hi back. Good luck.
Thank you. When I say I'm afraid someone will see me, I mean that I don't want to go to school with people knowing I'm gay, but MOSTLY I don't want (for example) my brother's friends to see me near that gay club. Cause whether being gay is "bad" or not, for most people it's a disgarace and a weapon when they know it. This isn't just about me being relaxed. So many people my age go out regulary to parties and stuff like that. When it's me, it has to be this big lifechanging decision. What if 10 years from now I got engaged to a woman, and then it turns out her brother was at this gay party, or her father was the straight bodyguard at that party. I'm bringing up marriage cause anything's possible. I used to think I was straight. I'm way paranoid I know, but it's a big popular place in a small place, so it's not THAT far fetched. I'm not going alone. I'm going with someone I never even met and he's the reason they'll even let me in at that place. I don't know, I just see how all over again, I'll be on the dance floor looking completely lost not doing anything and it makes you feel naked when you're at popular places like that looking like that. It makes me look insecure and that's not attractive. Someone told me "maybe you're just not a partier" and that actually pissed me off. This is not my normal state and not a representation of what I am and can be. The last 5 years have been overwhelming but I'm getting over it. I don't want to give this up, and on the other hand I know how I'll hate myself if I go and things go as I expect.
I see - I think... You're not sure about your orientation - and maybe you'll end up living a straight life. But wouldn't you want your future wife to know about your past, and the fact that you had at one point questioned your sexuality? Believe me - because on this I'm speaking from experience - you should be completely open and honest with your future partner. Keeping secrets only continues to make the secrets 'bad' in your mind. Who you are and what you are interested in and questioning whether or not you prefer men is NOT 'BAD'! Its just different. This is what one would call a 'self fulfilling prophesy' - If you go out expecting the evening to be horrible, as you've stated above, it likely will turn out to be horrible. But if you go out with the attitude that its better to go out than stay home, and you're going to make the best of it, and just have fun meeting and getting to know the person that you're going with, then that is likely to happen. But you really have to be comfortable with yourself, and with the possibility that you are going to see someone that you know. I'm not sure where you are, so perhaps the cultural implications of that are significant. But you'll be there with someone - so you could even explain it away by saying you were just out with them - and they are gay. I'm not sure if this helped, and I'm certainly not 'out' myself, but I wish I'd been aware at your age of my sexual preference, and had the chance to live an 'authentic life' as BeckyG puts it. Again, good luck!
Well, I AM sure about my orientation. I just mean that you never know what will happen. I put that in so it won't sound like I still haven't accepted myself. The "possibility" I could be straight is because I got hard when I was 8 and saw naked girls on tv. Weird huh?? I went with a completely different attitude the first time to a gay club and it ended up horrible. Huge disappointment. I don't want to be disappointed like that again and I was positive about it up until yesterday, but then I pictured in my head the more likely things.. that I won't be as confident and probably won't dance and won't really get all I thought I would. It wasn't even a prophecy, it was the same experience in my head, and nothing's really changed since then. I'm more desperate to change things because I'm going nuts but other than that it's all the same. I feel like it's lost.
OK, how about telling us what went wrong ? Unless you give that some thought, future events are doomed to the same fate. Hey, not every party or date are the stellar success we envision. Give it a few more shots. Set yourself up mentally for success and your chances of having a good time improve immensely. Look at it like this. You're not sad or lost, you're there to make new friends and have a great time. You'd be surprised how easily a good mood can positively affect the people around you. Unfortunately, it's even easier to spread negative vibes when you go somewhere feeling like shit. Take the focus off of yourself and try to make someone else happy instead of worrying about how you feel. It's worked for me :icon_bigg .
This is probably horibble advice but what i did was i said to myself "Ethan this is who you are now and probably for the rest of your life. if people have a problem with me or who i am. then why do i care what they think. there just ignorant people (that last word was edited to be pg)" this got me through alot but i have never heard of others using this stratgy so maybey thats just me. anyways first worry about being sure about yourself and comfterbale with who you are. then worry about everything else.
maybe you should try a gay group instead of going into bars or clubs alone. That's what i'm planning on doing cause i think i would also have a horrible time being alone in a gay club/bar without knowing how things work.
