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I don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by wolfyrogue, Feb 20, 2015.

  1. wolfyrogue

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I'm in kind of an odd place right now. I finally accepted myself last week. For all of my life, I've been denying things about myself, TO myself, because I just wasn't ready to accept myself. And now that I've come out to certain people, I feel almost relieved, because it's not just about letting them know who I am, it's about self-validation, if that makes any sense.

    The problem is, there's one person I'm not out to, and until I'm 'out' to that person, I can't openly BE myself.

    Ugh, I think I'm explaining that terribly.

    [content warning for what I'm about to say: parental abuse]



    See... I've had this pressure, all my life, to be girly. When I was 10, my father told me he was embarrassed to be seen with me when we were at a craft store because I had hair on my legs. When I was 11, my mother forcibly dragged me into the bathroom and shaved my armpits and yelled at me for being unattractive. There are a lot of things, more subtle things, that also went on: pressure to wear makeup, pressure to wear dresses/"girly" clothes, pressure to be a mother/disregard for my decision to forgo pregnancy and childbirth, etc.

    Unfortunately, I still live with my mother. I'm trapped. Because of how I was raised, I have so many mental health issues that no matter how hard I try to project "normally", there's just always something "off" about me, and after years of trying to get a job, I've had no luck. None. I've gotten two interviews, and both times were really unpleasant, and I was trying so hard to say the "right" things, but I felt like both of the interviewers were trying really hard to trick me into saying something "wrong." Even if I could somehow get a job, I'm not sure how well I'd do with it if it was one that required me to be social, because of my anxiety.

    Not to mention, I was pulled out of public school for my last year of high school, and put in a strictly at-home, over-the-internet kind of deal at a time where I really needed to be developing certain social skills. And this was immediately after 3 deaths in my family and losing two homes within that year. We had just moved when I was pulled out of school, and placed into that online school, and since that move, things have just gone down hill. I'm living in an area where McDonald's gets 10 people walking in a day to ask for a job (other businesses, including this one, have told me the same) and rent starts at $3k here for a tiny studio apartment.

    I'm in a pretty bad living situation here, putting it mildly. Summing the last few paragraphs up, my living situation boils down to: Due to heavy abuse and a terrible economy where I live, I'm financially dependent *on* said abuser.

    And here's where the coming out thing comes into play: Now that I finally admitted to myself who I am, now that I've accepted myself, and even come out to a few people I trust, I'm finding that pretending to be someone I'm not has become utterly intolerable. It was always hard, don't get me wrong, but now it's gone from "this is awkward and painful but I'm not sure why" to "holy crap I don't know how much longer I can do this."

    My relationship with my mother is very complicated and strained. On the one hand, I know that a lot of her abuse doesn't come from a place of intentional malice, and that she legitimately doesn't see her behavior as abusive. On the other hand, I can't deny what it's done to me, and the last year of my life has been spent trying to recover from it while still experiencing it (not a good combination). See, that's another thing: The only support I've gotten that's been enough to actually start working toward moving me past some of my traumas comes from a very unconventional source, my religious beliefs. And that's another thing I have to hide from her, because she's a very aggressive, anti-religion atheist.

    To top it off, she has this weird thing where she's "okay" with other people being something, as long as I'M not. She wants the credit of being LGBT+ supportive, but she's not so supportive of me being so. I 'came out' as being bi in my teens, and she didn't believe me and told me that if I didn't want have sex with girls, it didn't count... even though I didn't want to have sex with anybody at the time. It's only been until extremely recently that she's acknowledge that I do actually like women, but I still get the feeling sometimes that she thinks I'm faking it, and is just, like, "humoring" me or something, and that almost makes it worse.

    As far as gender goes, I have noticed her trying to be more understanding of the trans community, but she still says things once in a while that are extremely bigoted, that I don't think she really understands. I mean, she says bigoted things unintentionally all the time: She identifies as feminist, but then calls women all kinds of slurs and gets really judgmental about what women wear in public. She claims to be a "gay rights supporter", but she calls her coworker another slur behind her back. And what kills me is that she doesn't hear herself, and if I just stay silent, she knows it's because I don't approve of what she says, but I also can't disagree with her, so either way, she gets ticked off.

    I see that she is starting to try, but she's still not "there" yet. I mean, for example, she referred to Leelah Alcorn by her correct pronouns and name, and she understood how tragic her death was, but it seems like every step forward she makes, she's dragging the other foot behind her, and I see that she's trying, I really do, but I don't know how much I trust her.

    I could live with not coming out to her for a while, if I were in a different living situation where it wouldn't come at the expense of being able to just exist as myself. The problem is, it does.

    There are a lot of things I can't get started on as far as transitioning goes, and my dysphoria is worsening for it. I know getting a haircut, and a binder, and wearing different clothes isn't going to magically fix all of my dysphoria problems, but I feel like doing so would make me a lot more comfortable in the mean time, and help to keep me going for a while until testosterone becomes an option.

    People keep telling me that it's the *~*inside*~* that really counts, and while it's true that it does in terms of a person's character/personality/morals, etc., it doesn't help much when your inside and outside don't match and you can't be comfortable in your own skin.

    I'm just at a loss for what to do, because I see her trying, and improving, but I also see her refusing to really be responsible for what she says. She wants to be progressive, and wants to be seen as being progressive, but I don't think she realize what that's really about. I think one of the big reasons that she's so reluctant to change is that, if she admits that a lot of the things she says are harmful, that means she's going to feel guilty, and pretending that she's totally progressive and never ever hurtful is a lot easier than changing certain everyday parts of her language.

    Sorry, I know that was really long. Cookies and ice cream to anyone with the patience to read it. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  2. Lanker

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sorry that you´re going though such a hard time :icon_sad: I´ll try and do my best to help you.

    I think you should try and get some more interviews. I know that you have anxiety issues and your social skills may not be that good (believe me, I know how bad it is); however, it all comes down to confidence and self-esteem, and you´re not gonna find these two things on your mother. To put it simple: you´re not going to improve yourself if you keep waiting for your mother to do that first.
    Maybe if you really feel like there´s no point on going to more job interviews, you could find another way of improving your social skills. I think your problem resides here; this is my chain of thought: social skills>>>less anxiety>>>not feeling so bad about yourself>>> more self-esteem>>> more chance of landing a job>>> better economic situation.
    Maybe if you can pull though this, you can get your own place (and yes, i´ve read about the 3k rent- ouch:icon_sad:slight_smile: and be "free" of you mother.

    If not this, you can try and help your mother understand better the LGBTQ community so you feel more confortable around her. I personally woudn´t try this since she seems to be in denial, but I would have to know her personally (like you do) to correctly answer this.

    Sorry, this is all I´ve got. But don´t feel bad. If you ever feel down about yourself, theres always EC :icon_wink

    Hugs (*hug*)
     
  3. Minerva

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hi! I also agree that you should not stop looking for a job. I do understand the anxiety though, but getting a job will help your situation in the long run.
    When I first turned sixteen I was pressured by my dad and stepmom to get a job, but was incredibly anxious too, and depressed as I lost my mom less than a year earlier. I know it's hard, especially the interview, but the truth is that they aren't looking for you to say the wrong thing - the interviewers just want to meet you and match a face to the name on the application, and see what you are like as a person. Just be polite, confident in your own abilities, and be yourself. Try to see the interviewer as a future co-worker, classmate, friend, whatever you have to visualize, to get yourself to open up. Think of all of your good qualities, (yes you have them!) instead of remembering the past. And yeah, interacting with the public can be scary at first, but in a few months you'll be smooth-sailing. :slight_smile:
    As far as the situation with your mother goes, I know how hard it is to stay closeted, but you need to choose the safest option. If you fear your mother's reaction, I would wait until you can move out and then come out. As far as the dysphoria goes, maybe try doing something each day that makes you feel like yourself until you can transition, even something small, such as skipping makeup/doing hair, using a different shampoo, working out, etc. Once you move out you'll have the freedom to be yourself.