I feel like I can't come out because my brother is gay too

Hi all,

I've lurked on here for a while and finally found the courage to sign up and post a thread. It may be a long post so I'm sorry about that!

I'm 23 (soon to be 24) and I'm out to my close friends, but not to my family. Even though I was born and raised in London my family originate from northern India so some people in my family have a pretty conservative mindset, to say the least. Luckily, my own mother is relatively open-minded, to a point at least. I still live at home which sucks (London property prices are extortion). My parents divorced when I was 3 and my mother has worked extremely hard to give my brother and I a better upbringing than she had.

I've known I was gay since I was around 14/15 I'd say. I've only ever really been attracted to other males since then. I only have one sibling: my older brother who is 26. He is also gay (how did this happen?) and has been out since he was 21. My mum took that pretty badly - it took her weeks if not months to come to terms with that and I know from the little things she says sometimes that she is still not 100% on board with it.

My brother is the kinda guy that has lots of gay friends, goes to lots of gay bars and clubs every weekend and is quite vocal about this all with my mum; he's very open about his being gay now. In a way, for some reason this has pushed me even further into the closet. My brother knows I am gay too as I told him a few years back but we NEVER discuss it. Sometimes I even think he likes to treat me as if I'm straight so that he doesn't have to deal with the fact that I'm not. Another thing that makes it hard for me to connect with other gay guys is that my brother lives at home too and if I use gay apps or websites, there's a big chance that I'll encounter either my older brother or one of his friends so it's made it almost impossible for me to have a relationship or even get myself out there to connect with other gay guys.

Since there are only two of us, my mum often treats me as if I'm the son who is going to get married and give her a daughter-in-law and lots of little grandchildren. Thing is, I've never had a girlfriend or brought a girl home or anything like that, so I feel like she's stepping up the pressure as I'm getting older. She's even mentioned stuff like 'if you don't find a girl I'll find one for you to marry' which absolutely tears me apart. I guess I haven't helped myself here either as once I was in the car and my mum asked me 'you ARE interested in girls right?' and all I could answer with was 'yes' because I just wasn't ready.

I feel like if I come out to her, it'll destroy her. Since she only has two sons who she has sacrificed so much for, and none of us are going to give her the grandchildren or daughter-in-law that she expects. The fact that northern Indian culture is all about marriage and family has ingrained in her the expectation that I'll somehow bring in a daughter to the family and give her lots of grandkids.

Another thing that has made this all the more complicated is that we have recently moved in together with my mum's partner and he has two young children - a young girl and boy. His son is very effeminate and prefers to play with dolls and toys marketed towards young girls rather than toys marketed towards young boys. Sometimes, I feel like my mum thinks he's not quite normal, even though I'm glad that he is able to be who he is at such a young age. But sometimes the things she says in passing about it make me cringe and make it just that much more difficult for me to be who I am because of how her mindset is sometimes.

I'm sorry if I've posted an essay - I've just pushed this so deep inside of my heart for so long that I felt the need to just let it out. This is something I haven't even shared with my friends who know I'm gay but I just felt like this was a safe and secure place to share it.

Thank you so much,
-Sav

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

My older brother is definitely enjoying his freedom. He's been open with my mum about past boyfriends and is very active on the London gay 'scene' if you will. I definitely feel like I'm trying to be the son she wants in order to not cause her deep sadness again. I even used to contemplate getting married and having children some day so that I can make her happy. Once I realised that I wouldn't be able to do that I felt like I should just be alone for good as a 'confirmed bachelor' or something.

I've never had a boyfriend or relationship because I feel that if I use the usual methods of connecting with other gay guys (apps or websites) I'll likely run into either my brother on one of them or one of his gay friends since they are all local to where we live. I used to be on a few gay social websites and the utter horror of seeing my brother's profile listed in my vicinity made me delete it. The thing that scares me is that I've become so good at acting as if nothing is wrong, and going about my daily life normally even though inside I feel so desolate.

I don't know if my brother will support me with this. We never discuss the whole gay thing and he shares a lot more about his life with my mum than with me. He must know I'm gay because I told him a few years back yet he doesn't acknowledge it. I also don't talk to him about his life so we may not have the closest relationship. I also feel at times that he 'taunts' me with his freedom since I guess he's forgotten what it feels like to live with this burden. I think he views my being gay as a huge inconvenience to him, if I'm honest.

I just don't think he'll support me with this; if and when I come out to my mum I think I'm going to have to do it alone without his knowledge.

 

I understand that I need to live in a way that is true to who I am as a person, but I just feel like the idea of having not one, but two gay sons will be something my mother just will not be able to come to terms with. I know that the desire for a daughter-in-law and grandchildren is something that is more to do with what she wants than I want, but I'm terrified that shattering her dreams like that will alter our relationship forever.

 

I'm in a position financially to leave home and live in a different part of London, but part of me wants to move somewhere totally different. I was thinking maybe somewhere like Berlin as I can speak a basic level of German.

Right now though, I feel like there's such a huge weight on my shoulders and every day it's pulling me further and further down and I just want to lift it off and get rid of it. I want to start living life and stop having to constantly censor everything that I do. It's so exhausting and I feel so ground down even at 23.

 

I guess I'm at a pivotal point in my life where I've realised that the only way I can be happy and truly be myself is by being open. For what feels like a long time I've been able to function in a way that didn't let anyone know that I was torn apart and broken emotionally. I was so good at seeming 'fine' that I developed an emotional numbness that seems to be melting away right now and I don't know why that's happened.

Recently, I've found myself breaking down and sobbing in the bathroom at work (and I haven't cried in possibly a year or more prior to this happening). I feel like this facade I was so good at maintaining has started crumbling and is making it more and more clear that I have to do this.

It's just really hard because as Bolt35 has pointed out I do believe my brother thinks of my situation as a massive inconvenience and I know he won't support me in this so I'm on my own. I can't live this life for much longer like this though. I just can't.

I recently heard the saying that 'a life lived in fear is a life half-lived' and it just resonated so deeply with me. I'm definitely living half a life right now.

 

I know I need to deal with this head on. I guess the breaking down recently is due to the fact that I'm getting increasingly frustrated with being someone that I'm not.

I feel like even at 23, I have so many regrets and I've missed out on so much already. It's just overwhelming sometimes.

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far - you are all helping me move ever closer to finally being open about the person that I am with those who matter most.

 

Hi all,

I finally did it. I told my mother this Friday and she took it much more positively than I expected. However, although I initially felt a great sense of relief after we spoke, I now feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and regret.

I feel like our relationship is somehow irreversibly altered and I feel guilty because my mum only has two children and we're both gay. I feel like she wants to support me, but has a deep sadness. For example, yesterday when I was leaving to go to work we chatted a bit over breakfast and she remarked about how shocked she still is (I was so good at always censoring myself and appearing straight that everyone is always shocked when I tell them I'm not). Just as I was about to leave we hugged, and I could sense that she was tearful when we said bye to each other. I felt a lump in my throat too and ended up crying on the walk to the station (in an alleyway so nobody could see).

It's odd, but I almost feel like I wish I could take it all back...