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Making it more known

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Rouqe, Feb 22, 2015.

  1. Rouqe

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    Hey everyone,

    I'm pretty new here, I joined up because I was having a pretty crappy time figuring out what I was feeling and what I wanted from myself. It seems like there's a lot of great people on this forum and it's heartening to read some of the experiences and support as well as how much better people generally feel about themselves after talking about it.

    So I'm going to do the same :slight_smile:

    I've been comfortably out as Bisexual (brie-sexual for cheeses) for a couple of years now and have been in a relationship with my female partner for even longer (It was an interesting time telling her and all that but she was very accepting and I love her for it but that's another story).

    The thing is now though, because I don't bring my sexuality up in conversation very much (I feel it's a small part of me, ie. I don't tell people my religious beliefs because it's not a big thing) I've found that my new friends don't know that part of me and I'm beginning to feel left out and isolated in my own head. I don't want to just casually drop it in conversation with them because (to me) it'll feel like I'm making a big deal out of it or that it will bring up questions of who I've been with and how does my partner feel about that, do we have threesomes, can I join in etc. and though it may sound lazy, I just can't be bothered with explaining it over and over.

    So I was thinking of posting something to facebook instead, kind of outlining everything, how I feel, what I want and how much Brie I would like for my birthday this year... That kind of thang... And here I have a handy dandy forum full of amazing people for inspiration, support and ideas (&&&).

    Unfortunately I have to leave for work in a little while so I won't be able to post a vague concept of what I'm going to write (I'll try to tonight) but in the mean time if any of you have experiences like this that you want to share it'd be amazingly awesome to hear your thoughts, how it went and what you said!!!!

    Any response is greatly appreciated and I look forward to hearing from you!! :thumbsup:
     
  2. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    what you just said here would make a great post. I can understand you not wanting to make it the topic of every conversation, but you've been so conscious of not saying anything that reveals your sexuality that you've been making yourself unhappy. the facebook post sounds like a good, lighthearted way to address it, and to mention how you have a hard time talking about some things. it could be a way to break the ice.
     
  3. Rouqe

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    Thanks for the reply Wildside :slight_smile: Have you had any experiences like this? I saw a previous post of yours mentioning some of what you'd gone through in the army and with your family+friend and that now you've overcome the hurdle that was coming out to yourself you're letting more people know too. How are you going about it?

    Also I still haven't done this facebook post yet :icon_redf, unfortunately work has gotten in the way a bit so I'm going to try tonight and I'll plop up an outline on here if anyone's interested in giving it a read over.
     
  4. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    I guess I might characterize is by saying that while I still struggle with being honest, I am committed to not being dishonest. Yeah, that sounds like a contradiction and a bit of a cop out, but sometimes we make huge leaps of progress (coming out to myself, for example), and sometimes we move at less than a snail's pace. All pretty cryptic, I know. But on a practical level, here's what I'm trying to say: Bottom line, I've made a decision that I have been able to live by, and that is that if I'm am asked if I am gay, I answer with the truth. That takes some of the burden off of me, because I am just committed to responded to situations when and if they present themselves, and I am committed to not lying about it any more. In fact on my facebook page, my profile indicates that I prefer men, but that is just a little radial button selection, and if people even see it they might just think it's a mistake. but if they ask...
    Now as far as the struggle with being honest part, by that I mean that I don't bring it up, unless I think that it is safe and critical to do so. So, for example, I found a doctor with whom I felt comfortable enough to tell him that I'm gay, and about my sexual history. And as a result, he is giving me the care that I need, conducting the tests that should be done, and giving me a much better chance at good health and life than I had when I was not out to my doctor. I came out to a priest for moral advice, but it was not just any priest, it was a Jesuit who I thought was more educated than just one who would regurgitate some chapter from the catechism. He assured me that I'm normal, and that I'm gay, and encouraged me to live as the person who I really am, or in his words "stop pretending to be someone who you're not." He also insisted that I tell my wife. The thing about advice is we have to decide what we will take, and when. I almost told her, but she seemed to change the topic every time. I may eventually tell her, but only if I'm sure that it will be best for her and for me. If I were 24, I would tell her right away. In our late 50's, and in a sexless marriage anyway, I'm not sure.
    Which brings me to my golden rule of coming out (my golden rule at this stage, but who knows what it will be in a year). And that is, that I believe in telling anyone who will support me, help me, hopefully love me, but at least not hurt me. And in not telling anyone who will hurt me when I tell them (the other part of why I'm hesitant to tell my wife). I'm not the perfect model of coming out, but you asked for my experience.
    Oh, and for coming out to my friends, I came out to one on a FaceBook chat. Turned out he didn't want to answer me at first, because he's gay and was afraid I would be unkind. But when he found out I was gay too, it really deepened our friendship. I came out to another friend while doing a fourth step in a twelve step program. And I've made a couple gay friends who I am out to. I'm not out at church, and won't come out there unless and until I come out to my wife; at which point I'll probably be looking for another church. And as far as work, I'm semi-retired right now, but if I ever really go to work again I hope that I can just be out where appropriate. It depends on the work situation, because in many cases (just like in life in general) it's just not anybody's business (unless I were in a relationship, and my partner is giving me a kiss goodbye, which kind of lets the cat out of the bag)
     
  5. Sam I Am

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    No clue. I'm bisexual, and spent years dating opposite-sex people. I probably came out over a hundred times to various family and friends. Most people didn't really believe me until I began dating someone of the same biological sex.

    Maybe try what my friend (let's call him Steve) does? He's bisexual, and has only dated women. However, when we'll do stuff like talk about how hot a male actor is, he'll chime in with the rest of the "girls." It's a seamless, non-conversation-breaking way for him to affirm his sexual orientation without having to shoehorn it in anywhere. Seems to work better for him than it did for me with women.
     
  6. Rouqe

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    Thanks for your responses comrades. Also sorry to anyone who rides bikes on here if you read this post :kiss:

    @Wildside.
    Thank you for your story :slight_smile: I'm happy that you've been able to speak to some people about this (especially with those deepening friendships) and am proud that you have been able to go through all this difficulty and still come through the other side. I've read some of your other posts and it's heartening to hear what you've challenged, faced and overcome.

    @Sam_I_Am
    I normally do chime in with those kinds of comments, it's good fun :grin: I think though, similar to yours and Steve's situation, because I have been in a relationship with a female partner those comments can be kind of brushed off. I hadn't really thought about it much before but it is a good affirmation without having to make it a subject of conversation and I generally feel good after making them.
    Also... You might want to check those eggs and ham...


    So N-E-Ways here is the thing I posted up on FB.
    Okidoke. So, I'm Bisexual. I like guys and I like girls :icon_wink They're both pretty alright.

    I've been fairly comfortable with it for a long time now and I just thought I'd get it a bit more out in the open 'cause it just felt like I should.

    Some of you knew, some would have guessed. Like my religious status (Pastafarian) or preference for Brie over Camembert (Brie), it's not something that generally comes up in conversation very much and I've never felt the need to flaunt it so I haven't.

    I still play pokemon/yugioh/other nerd thangs, I still hate dishwater and bike riders and I still feel ambivalent towards post offices and pumpernickel bread.

    In summary: I'm still me and I'm still great :grin:
    And you're pretty cool too I guess :icon_wink​

    Some of the comments:

    (Sorry for the swearing but every post out of the heaps on there was like that :slight_smile: )

    • I fucking love you, you beautiful human being!
    • Post offices rock, where else can you get overpriced kids book packs just before Christmas?! You rock a bit too, but not in a post office way... X
    • You're the best person I know. I love you so Fucken much. Xxx
    • Did you know that I freaken love the shit out of you.
    • So I feel like this changes nothing! You're still Joe I will still play yugioh with you whenever I can. Also Everyone hates bike riders.


    So my comments to anyone who is still questioning anything is.

    There will always be people with their own bigoted ideas in their own little (bike riding) worlds.
    They. Don't. Matter.
    And you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!!
    You'll find the ones that do matter out there in the bigger world. They'll be friends, family, member of the community (online or otherwise) and they'll be by your side supporting you whenever you need them because you are awesome and cool in the way that Post Offices are to some (special) people. Do what's right for YOU.​
     
    #6 Rouqe, Feb 28, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2015