Married Straight, but now . . . HELP!

Well sir, it looks like you dug up quite the hole. Don´t worry though, there´s always a way of making things right. But I really feel for you for all the things you passed through. :icon_sad:
It may sound selfish for some people, but when choosing what to with your life, you have to think of yourself first. So, getting married to a woman and having a "happy" family won´t really do much for you. I suggest coming out to your wife, and getting divorced as soon as possible. Living a lie isn´t doing any good for you, and probably not for your wife either, as she also deserves someone who can love her as much as you deserve another man.
As far as I know, there´s no law that prohibits a parent from seeing his/her kids, so I think you´re off the hook with that :icon_bigg
Also, don´t forget to take your time. Coming out to your family and getting a divorce isn´t exactly something you can do in a short amount of time. It´ll take time, patience, and maybe some tears, but it will all be worth it in the end.

:goodluck:

 

Hi Daniel, welcome!

There's a whole section of the site for people who are or have gone through exactly these situations later in life. LGBT Later in Life - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out

I found it very helpful, come on over.

 

well, from my own experience, I can tell you that you won't stop being gay, and playing the charade of the straight husband gets a lot harder. It took me a lot longer than you to admit that I am gay, and by that time the kids were almost out of the house. Now, I don't know what happens next. I'm only attracted to men, and I long ago lost the ability to "perform" (what an appropriate word) with my wife. the one thing that I can tell you is that you are in the right place. you can learn a lot in the various fora of EC.
:welcome:

 

Hi Daniel

I attend a local support group for gay married men and I find it a life saver. I don't have kids but from the guys in my group kids have an amazing ability to cope with whatever life throws at them once they know that they are loved. For more on this topic try find a local support group for gay married.
Secondly, you can find love at any age. I know guys that have found their life partner when they were in their 60. So go party!

 

Hey Daniel,

Just quickly, the opinions on these forums don't have to be taken to heart. Pick and choose the ones that sit right for you and if there are some that seem hurtful or spiteful you don't need to even bat an eye at them ok.

Having said that though in this instance as some others have mentioned I think talking to your wife and confronting the situation/what you're feeling is the most straightforward and fair way to go about this. It's something that if left alone is going to potentially cause you a lot of conflict and harm later on. Many have done it before you and it's going to be difficult to confront but in the end what's the alternative??

So i guess what do you want for yourself (your actual self not for anybody else) in five years from now? If you don't know maybe you should give it some thought

 

First, let me say that I think that a lot of the comments that I've read on this thread are good, and worth contemplating. Staying in a straight marriage as a gay man is not only hard for you, but can be unjust to your wife, who didn't sign up for that. But if you speak with her honestly and openly, then she has a choice in her life. As someone who fails to take my own advice, I can say with certainty that honesty is a good thing.
Now, to answer your two specific questions. First, regarding the children. The younger they are, the easier it will be for them to accept because it will be the only reality that they know. But if this leads to a breakup of the marriage, I believe (and I emphasize "I" in that statement) that a breakup can be harder on them than if there is a way to stay together. It will definitely affect your relationship with them, particularly if they wouldn't be living with you. I was in denial while my kids were growing up, so I can't say what I "would have" done if I had come out to myself at your age. But I can say that I treasure the time that I had with my children as they were growing up. The idea of having had to leave them would have been a great burden. But then again, maybe it did more damage for them to see a really dysfunctional relationship as their model of relationships. So far, not of them have had kids of their own, and the oldest is already in his mid-thirties. But my answer to your question is that I think that it will complicate your relationship with them, but ultimately it may make them more understanding of LGBT people in the world, and may make it easier for them to be honest in their relationships (and dishonesty in relationships goes way beyond just sexuality issues.)
On to your second question. At your age, is there any hope for long term companionship? OK, let me break this into two part, and you pick the answer that applies to the correct understanding of your question. answer "a": if your asking if you and your wife can stay together as "companions," well that is really a factor of what your relationship is now. I've read of cases on EC, but I don't know what the quality of those relationships are. You might google "straight spouse network" and look for books by Bonnie Kaye about straight spouses who find out that their spouses are gay. In fact, you might want to look that up in any case, because it can help to understand what people in her situation go through. Kind of like the cycle of grief, as discussed here on EC: Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief ). It seems from what I've read from Ms Kaye that even when the initial reaction is very positive, it does turn really rough for a while. and from some stories on EC, it doesn't always get better.
now to go on to part "b" of my answer: if you're asking if you can find companionship in a relationship with another gay man, and she can find companionship with a straight man, at your ages, absolutely yes. You're not that old. I know that I can find companionship at my age, and I've got 20 years on you. If you're like me and prefer people your own age, well just remember that there are a whole lot of people just like you out there who are asking the same question.
And the best advice of all on this thread came from Rogue: