Hi everyone, I was recently wondering how I should come out but then I realized I already am because I'm telling more and more people that are close to me that I like guys. The one big exception is my dad, and he will be the hardest person for me to tell. Ever since I was a little kid I could feel his anxiety and shame when I was into girly things, and as an adult I took on that anxiety and shame and beat myself up over my same sex attractions for years. I feel like if I told him I like guys it would be his worst fear come true, and I honestly don't know how he will react. The reason I don't know how he will react is because on the one hand even though he thinks gay guys are perverted and sick he also has a liberal streak in him and thinks people should just do what they want to do. How those things would apply to me as his son I can't say. I should mention he also has a bad temper and anger management issues, so a part of me is afraid that he will flip out. So, I've been wondering what would be the best way and/or time to tell him. I recently thought just tell him when it feels right to do so, and don't worry about it until then. On the other hand, I do like to have a plan, even if my plan changes. We live far away from each other and I'd rather not tell him over the phone. Any thoughts? Also, is there a good or bad way to say that you're gay? I'd rather not use the term gay just because of all the cultural baggage that comes with it. Thanks for your input.
how about a hand written letter? that is still a very personal way to do it, more so than on the phone, and way more personal than an email. then the ball will be in his court, and he'll have to figure out how he wants to respond. considering his anger management issues, the fact that he is at a distance is probably a good thing. if he freaks out with a letter, at least he can't hurt you. But that does beg the bigger question: if you think he might hurt you (physically or emotionally), and you don't live with or near him, why bother? can't you just keep living your life and not worry about it?
Congrats on coming out to people I think..it's definitely worth a shot coming out to your dad. In the best case scenario, he could be okay with it (considering his "liberal streak"). My mom is a Catholic, goes to church multiple times a week and I was afraid how she would react but she did not mind which surprised me (pleasantly). Anger management problems is obviously a concern- the worst case scenario could be your dad "flipping out" and if that involves physical or verbal abuse, you might want to not tell him face to face just for the sake of your safety. I think you should of course tell him when you feel like doing so. It doesn't seem like an urgent matter that he knows. But if you just want to get it over and done with...I agree with Wildside, a letter is a good way of doing it. Then again, waiting for a response can be an agonizing experience. But apart from a phone call or Skype, I can't think of another method that wouldn't require waiting haha.
Hi! Congrats on coming out by the way, I have taken a look at your message and it sounds like, quite the predicament. Depending on where you are in life, if you was at senior (high) school or even at college or university, get yourself a supportive network of friends (which you have already) or other family members whom you know will support you if the inevitable happens, the next thing to do is to get yourself established and settled in the life you want to or you are already in, because this will not give him the chance to criticise or say anything untoward so you can stand up to him, in terms of telling him...I know it's easier for us to say and do, but I think it's best if you tell him, if you feel he will be angry or one of the things you have mentioned have somebody with you family member or friend for moral support, if anything does go a bit wrong, I would say don't involve anybody you are seeing, dating or in a relationship with, because that will not probably help matters. The thing he is your dad, as much as we all have who have imperfect flaws, you have to give them the right to know what is going on with you, because it's better coming from you then some other person, I hope this helps?
Thanks guys, this helps a lot. I feel that the best thing would be to just say it to him when we're having a private one on one conversation, and to just be honest and humble in how I say it. I think I'll avoid saying things like "I'm gay" and just simply go with "I'm attracted to guys." If he flips out then I'll be the one who takes the brunt of it and no one else. If he wants to stop giving me money then I'll be a lot poorer but a lot happier, and I'm near the end of my schooling so I need to just start working for a living anyways. I also think it might be best to just tell him when the moment is right and not try to plan it out too much. It means a lot that you guys take the time to respond to me to help me sort through things. Thanks again.
Wow, I posted this a long time ago, but I just wanted to report that my Dad's "liberal streak" won out and he was totally fine with it when I told him a few weeks ago! No freak out, no I'm not giving you money anymore, no "do you think you can still be with girls?" None of that! It just goes to show you never know how people will react.
