I always thought of myself as heterosexual and started dating men at age of 20 (missed out teenage love). Although I was dating men, I’ve always thought of women as well, but convincing myself that it is all a fantasy and moved on. Until recently, I started thinking about women more and that I would not mind being in a relationship with a woman. Than I tried to suppress these feelings, while doing so a friend of mine told me about his sexual orientation and for some reason I saw the possibility to admit to myself that I like men and women. I told this to two of my friends and brought up the subject with two other people, all were supportive. I read about bisexuality, it all makes sense to me. Today, I was at a coffee shop that was hosting transsexual remembrance day, being among this diverse group I felt comfortable. It seemed fine that I get aroused by women as well, I thought if I get to know a woman that I like I wouldn’t mind dating either. But earlier today at work it was a different story. My coworker told me about his new baby on the way and his girlfriend and stuff. I congratulated him and than thought about the struggles of my sexual orientation, I started having anxiety. I was trying to convince myself that I am heterosexual and I can be like rest of them, but deep down I know that is a lie. The fear of rejection and loneliness makes me want to go back to my hiding space; it seemed familiar and safe from the outside world. I feel alienated and lonelier than before. Will I be able to tell others about my sexual orientation? All of sudden at this age, it seems so important of what others think of me. I had never paid attention to this matter (at least not to a personal level), generally my lifestyle is not like the so called dominant culture anyways, but why my sexual orientation should make any difference. I started to remember all of the negative words and comments about non heterosexuals, my up bringing, how people have thought about certain things and what words they have used. Why should any of this matter? I have always supported others. I thought if that’s how they feel about themselves that’s how it is. But why do I have fear….I feel I have lost my hiding space and I find it overwhelming to face who I am and how I feel.
When I started reading your third parragraph I thought to myself "It sounds like when she says Bisexual she actually means lesbian, because she doesn't seem to see men as an option even if she does say she is bisexual" I wouldn't be so quick to label yourself, if at all. If you think about it technically a label is nothing but a limitation and a title for it. Live life and love on a person to person basis, gender, ethnicity, upbringing, political stance etc, they're all as irrelevant as each other. Find a person you like first, care about their gender later. And about your past experiences, try to remember that most negitive comments about bi/homosexual people are generally spawned from ignorance, if you went back and asked all the people that said these things if they actually 'KNEW' and i mean really knew a homo/bisexual I don't think it would be many.
Hi there and welcome to EC! It's great that you have joined. I hope you find as helpful as I did. I think it is wonderful that you have taken the steps that you have taken thus far. You have started to talk about it and have let your friends in on your feelings/emotions that you are going through. Given that you had a good experience in attending the event at the coffee shop, I can only encourage you to attend more. Being among others and getting to know local members of the GLBT community will help you to become even more comfortable with yourself. As you become comfortable with yourself you will be able to come out to others. Although we are all afraid of isolation and fear rejection, know that in most cases, people are actually very accepting and supportive. You have already started to build a support network on which you can rely and fall back on for support. The anxiety and fears that you are experiencing will go away over time. You have let go of something that you have kept hidden for a long time. You are trying to change things with which you have become familiar. When I started to talk about my feelings I had the same reactions, feelings and fears. By talking to others and by joining a GLBT group I could put my feelings/fears into some context and realized that often it is just a matter of changing how I think about myself. You are doing this, because you want to be yourself. You want to be you. We always worry about what others think about us, but none of that matters. It does not matter what others think about you. What counts is that you are happy and that you live your life. Being bi, does not change you. Take it one step at a time. Go with whatever you feel comfortable with. There is no rush. Know that you will not go through this alone. Your friends are there for you and will help you to get through this. EC will help you as well, whenever you need it. Hope this helps a bit.
Hi Asteriod, thanks for your supportive advice. You are right I am not alone, being on EC helps me understand my feelings more than before. one day at a time....
Hi Gumtree, It's labeling that makes me feel worried and scared. I rather be me without labels, till I am comfortable with who I am and how I feel....
