This is my very first thread on EC, so bear with me! For the past few months I've been on a slow process of coming out to my closest friends and a few family members I feel I can trust. So far I've been met with very positive reactions from the people I've come out to. My mom knows I'm gay and is fully supportive of me, bless her! My dad, on the other hand, is another story. My dad holds some very conservative views and considers himself a "born again" Christian. As long as I can remember he's always been particularly bigoted towards gay people. He often gives chide remarks whenever the subject comes up and claims that gays are "taking over" the media. He even told me once that gay people are "abominations in the eyes of god." My mom has told me that they've argued about homosexuality in the past before I was even born. Fortunately I moved away from him last year, so I'm no longer living under the same roof. But being in college I'm still somewhat financially dependent on him. I've struggled with how best to handle coming out to him because, eventually, he'll wonder why I've never dated girls or shown any interest in them. What makes things particularly dicey is that he's prone to very explosive tempers and has become abusive in the past. There are two options that I'm weighing: 1) My mom told me that I should write him a letter and then give him some space to cool down and think about it. 2) A therapist that I saw while dealing with depression suggested that I shouldn't say anything and let him figure it out for himself. What do you guys think?
Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! Given what you have described, I would agree with the therapist, and suggest to wait with coming out to your dad. If you are still depending on financial help from him for your college education or being able to pursue your education in general, then I don't think it would be worth the risk at this point. It doesn't sound like that your dad would be particularly understanding or supportive, and he could easily cut off your financial support, which in turn could bring about its own challenges and worries. Even though it could be somewhat difficult at times, I would suggest to wait until you have completed your education and have started to work in a job that will allow you to be financially independent. Talk with your mom again as well, and try to get her feedback on waiting for a bit longer. Does your mom feel hat your dad could come around eventually?
Thank you. My mom thinks that I should just let him figure it out on his own. She thinks that, eventually, he'll come around. I recently came out to my cousin on my dad's side and he voiced a similar opinion, that he'll come to accept it but that it'll take time. Yeah, I think I'll wait until school is completely over before I say anything to him. Thanks again for the response!
Go with what your therapist recommends, don't force a showdown at the OK Corral. If the subject comes up between your mom and dad, she will have to work with him to bring him around, but you have not forced a confrontation with him which may cause him to do something stupid out of foolish pride that you will both regret later.
Hi there, I'm in the same boat as I also have a conservative-type dad with an explosive temper whom I'm financially dependent upon (for the time being at least). I think financial independence is key if you're really concerned about how he will react and concerned that he will cut off your funds while you're still in school. But to the people saying he'll accept it with time, how is he supposed to accept something he doesn't know exists? I think the main thing for both of us is to be prepared. Be prepared to support yourself financially, take self-defense classes if you're worried about your physical safety around him, be prepared even to say goodbye to him if you have to. When the time is right, say what you have to say in a straight-forward, honest, and humble manner, and let him deal with the information however he chooses to (say what you have to say, and let the chips fall where they may). Bear in mind that I'm as much talking to myself as I'm talking to you, so feel free to discard any advice that doesn't fit for you.
Hey, I would personally say that you don't want to put yourself in that kind of situatiion when it's quite certain that the reaction wouldn't be positive. It might be hard for you to hide that from him, but I feel that considering how he's like and that you are dependent on him. It wouldn't be a good idea to change the dynamics of things. Because then you might be in a worse state then you are now.
My instincts are the same as your therapist's. But once you're financially independent, that might be a time when you take your mother's advice. But if you are really thinking about doing it sooner, I suggest that you ask your mother if she can guarantee that you will continue to get their financial assistance while still in school. At least you have your mother's support. That is a huge deal. Far too often when born agains are in the picture, it's both parents, not just one. Too bad that happened to your father. He might have been a good guy if he hand't got mixed up with the wrong crowd.
