I am a 21 year old Asian British born female, who identifies as a cis lesbian. With a past of basically no relationships with males aside from the 4 day we're dating to the outside world but actually I don't want anything more than your friendship even though you're in love with me and when I break up with you after 4 days you'll cry about it because this is what you've wanted for a long time and the only reason I went with it was because you made me feel wanted. And no female relationships whatsoever, I wonder whether I'll ever find anyone I can open up to 'for the first time'. I'm in an environment that allows my lifestyle, I live with another lesbian who is in another relationship and am surrounded by other lesbians/bisexuals in a sporting surrounding. However I've found that going past the friendship boundaries here has caused nothing but confusion, anger, jealousy, wondering, regret and all the other emotions that come with it. In the last few months I've found that in this group of friends it's started to become 'incestuous', which was inevitable. But its put strains on other relationships which were seen to be 'strong'. I mean don't get me wrong I'm happy for them but it's more the backstabbing of the whole situation, nice to your face, but really I know what you're feeling which is what makes it even worse than if it was out in the open. I've never been 'out there' in every sense of the word: sexually, physically, a late bloomer, and lived a very repressed childhood. Now I am my own controller, why am I still holding myself back? I'm the only one whose holding myself back now, not my semi-traditional loving, protective mother. Why can I still not go out there and do 'exactly' what I want to do. Always been a high achiever even now at university achieving first class honours in my first semester which counts towards my degree classification when my revision techniques and time spent revising didn't deserve it. Since I still choose to get wasted take drugs to try and escape from my life problems. I've realised I've come to a point in my life now where I need to and can try and solve these problems or at least learn to deal with them better. I'm still going to do these things, not going to lie. But I don't know where to start, in terms of acceptance I'm there. I know I'm gay and 90% of the time I'm 100% cool with that. But at several times in the last few weeks for the first time in my life I've actually been like no I'm not cool with it. Which upsets me because I am cool with it and I should let situations in my life let me think that way. I feel like no one I know in person understands and I therefore feel uncomfortable in disclosing with them information even though they 'will listen'. But being willing to listen and actually understanding is a different thing altogether, although this is not to fault them at all. It's my insecurities. My feelings of I'm not jealous of you, I'm jealous of what you have. So from this post I don't know what I aim to achieve, just to get it out there. In a world where you can talk to other people, saying whatever you want without someone looking at you differently or begin more cautious around you because of something you've said which they totally didn't expect from you.
It sounds like the group that you're in the middle of is almost like not being in any group at all because of the dynamics that have developed. Perhaps you could develop some social contacts that are totally unrelated to the group. You could look for some LGBT friendly organizations or social activities in another part of the city. You could get to know people there, without moving into total immersion like you are with your current group. From what you say, it may be difficult to find the social and emotional support you need inside that group. It doesn't mean that you have to reject them or even move away (yet), but they may have become a bit too much like family.
