It's been a bit of a blur so far but I left my fiance on Monday because I realized I'm a lesbian. Realized is not really what I meant, "accepted", "come to terms with", idk. I need to be with a woman and not a man. Ugh, anyway... I talked to with my fiance and told him about this, and have since told my brother, my mom, my dad, and my two closest friends (who are male). They were all nothing but supportive. Even my fiance surprisingly enough. He is sad, beyond sad and into the stages of grief over this, but he says he understands that I need to be with who I need to be with and if that isn't him then that is okay and he hopes I can be happy. So what am I doing posting here. I feel like this lie of a straight person that I was has died, & I'm having to grieve over the loss of her while having to get to know myself all over again as this new gay person who I have been trying to get rid of since I was 16. It's exhausting, scary, strange, & lonely but also exciting and awesome at the same time. I don't really know how to go about getting to know my new true self. Does that make sense? Like what am I supposed to do? Take myself out to lunch? Ha! ...so I'm kind of stuck on this empty "what do I do" limbo feeling in the meantime. I feel like I need to cut my hair, burn my clothes and get new ones, move into my own apartment, drink all the beer, and all of this and none of this at the same time. I always thought that this would go differently. That I would someday get really comfortable with myself and then tell everyone. Not tell everyone and then figure out how to get comfortable with myself. Socializing is going to be hard and weird but I can tackle that another time. For now I need to decide what color my hair is going to be.
Okay it makes a lot of sense to me I'm getting further and further out the closet but I'm still not comfortable with who I am. I am finding tho its a long but rewarding journey that can have problems but you can overcome anything
Congratulations on accepting, and on coming out. Those are some big steps, and big changes. Right now, there is grief for what was, and a big hole where a lot of your old life used to be, and that hole hurts. But nature abhors a vacuum, and new life will eventually fill in where that empty feeling is right now. In the meantime, take life a day at a time. Get out, be with other people, and especially try to find ways to be of service to others, so that you aren't dwelling on your loss in every moment of the day. Yes, reflect on it, be with the pain, but then release your grip on it and be grateful for new life. (&&&)
I feel the same way. Granted I wasn't engaged, but I left my girlfriend because a) I wasn't happy and b) I don't want to deny my attractions to men anymore. I'm attracted to guys, it's just the truth. The only thing is that in the process of denying my own homosexuality for so many years I've built this strong aversion to the gay culture, so I'm not sure exactly where I fit in. I guess I'll discover that with time.
I think that a lot of us had such a hard time coming out even to ourselves because we couldn't identify with the whole gay culture thing. But now we know that we don't have to be part of that if we don't want to. There are a lot of ways to live an open gay life. One way that has been emerging lately is just as the suburban middle class married couple with kids, a yard, and soccer games, the only factor different from all the neighbors is that its not a mixed gender couple. and there are lots of other ways too. we're free to live however we choose, in many places (not all, I know)
What an absolutely perfect way to put this. That exactly sums up what I went through (well, am still going through). As you no doubt already know, coming out is emotionally draining. It's the culmination of months, years or even decades of struggling with one aspect of yourself. Gay culture really isn't something that will hit you all at once, like jumping into a pool. It takes time, slowly wade in and see what it's all about. Even after years, a lot of it still feels foreign to me, and perhaps it always will. Take your time and keep an open mind to new experiences.
