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I regret coming out as bisexual

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Chet, Mar 1, 2015.

  1. Chet

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hi,

    I'm a 29-year old male with sexual attraction to men and women, but romantically I am more attracted to women.

    Since 7+ years I've been experimenting with men.

    Through a mutual gay acquantance, a few of my friends already found out about my experiences with men 2 years ago. I didn't know for a long time that they knew, but I sensed something about their reactions to me was different.

    I recently told 3 other friends - very hesitantly and carefully. I asked them to keep the info private.

    I have a rather conservative circle of friends. They're good people, but they tend to need to put people into categories (eg asking me "have you chosen already?" "are you gay or straight?" you know the typical stuff people say when they don't know bisexuality)

    Now I feel rumour has spread and everybody knows. I know that my friends haven't necessarily broken their promise to me not to tell around. Maybe they know each other so well that they don't need words to communicate. So I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt.

    Still I feel if they had really valued my secret, they would have tried harder to keep the info private. That probably sounds whiney, but it is what I would do. I honestly don't understand why it is so hard to keep a secret for a friend.

    I get pitiful gazes now, I get humiliating remarks (some of my female friends would ask out loud while we are in group in a bar 'so did you give a wink to the bartender?', or 'have you seen any cute boys lately?').

    They probably want to let me know that they know, and that they're ready to talk about it. But I feel extremely humiliated by their way of telling me. This is not the way to address this issue, by giving provocative remarks in public. I cringe every time, hoping that the people who don't know, won't find out. And I don't even tell them how I feel. A really unhealthy situation.

    Also, of course, people are gossipping about me and I have to do my best to keep believing that they don't look down on me and ridicule me behind my back ('he can never choose'). Which I know they are probably doing.

    I also have the impression most of them just see me as gay and will pressure me into admitting that I'm gay and 'help me' pursue a relationship with a guy.

    I also feel they think they know me better than I do myself, which is extremely arrogant. There's a girl in my group of friends whose father came out as gay after 25 years of marriage. Of course now she's looking for gay traits in all of her friends. But I feel she is convinced I am gay. And I'm just not (well, of course I am able to feel homosexual desires and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, on the contrary, but I feel my whole package is just denied)... Even though I have explained her that I am bisexual, I feel she just made up her mind and doesn't tell me she believes I am wrong... I feel exhausted and this situation is starting to make me feel hopeless.

    I feel like if I come with a girl now, they will never respect us as a couple.

    I also feel that now the rumour has spread, I will have such a hard time even meeting a girl and be able to start a relationship with her. Girls like their men straight, and 75 % will run away when I tell them this. This has caused me hurt in my past relationships as well.

    Probably a part of this is in my head. I tend to sometimes build up my own views and not give people a chance to explain themselves enough. But I feel completely fed up with their short sighted views. I understand that they might feel left out or disappointed because I didn't choose to tell everyone but only a select few and they might feel disappointed for that in our friendship. But it really is my choice. And it really already is hard enough. I feel that even though I haven't told them after all these years, they should still support me. Or that is at least what I would do for a good friend. I would trust that they have no bad intentions but they really have it tough enough.

    What to do? Of course I love them all, but I cannot bear anymore their short sightedness and their lack of respect for me as a person. Of course their ignorance about bisexuality is another matter, it is just such a little known sexuality, so I can forgive them that.

    Sometimes I think about moving away to a place where nobody knows me, to start my life over again. At least I would give my relationship a legitimate chance.

    I seems so radical though... I would probably feel so lonely and I would never ever be able to build up the same quality friendships... but at least I would be at piece and not have to feel pressured into being something I'm not. At least it would give me an opportunity to feel respected again...

    Feeling hopeless. And sad over feeling misunderstood by my loved ones.
     
    #1 Chet, Mar 1, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2015
  2. guitar

    Full Member

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    I think the only way to fix this (and youre not going to want to hear this) is to come out to your friends & family and explain to them how you're feeling. If you have a relationship with a guy or girl, either are equally valid & real as one of their relationships.

    Likewise, tell them for some gay guys saying you're bi is a way to buy yourself time, but for you it's a legitimate feeling of loving both sexes. Until you talk to your friends on your terms, your sexuality is what they've made up for you in their head.
     
  3. shota

    shota Guest

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    Chet, you are who you are if I was your friend I would not try to make you be some one you are not one thing that I learned since I've out my self as a transgender male is it really worth telling people that I'm a transgender male. I mean they are your friends but before you out yourself you should stop and think is it really worth it, can I really trust these people or what is this really benefiting me even if you think that they are cool, nice, good people, you have to realize that they still might tell people your secret what I'll tell you is what I had to tell a friend from out my group you can't let this get in the way of your happiness if they don't accepted it then so what just be you I'm sure they will probably come around on or not my mom is still denying the fact that I'm her son

    -so sorry for the bad grammar and I wish you the best of happiness and luck
     
  4. Chet

    Regular Member

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    Thanks guys for your replies.

    The answer is probably a combination of what both of you are saying.
    Personnally I don't mind as much if people know, and I'd rather have the important people in my life know, but they're just so bad at really understanding it. I have already explained the concept of bisexuality and I feel even my closest friends have difficulties to really grasp it. They really see you as 'on the other team'. The result is they see me as some sort of non-complete person, an eternal doubter, someone who can't make up their minds, and also a guy who won't any longer be among the guys, as he's trying to be a "fake heterosexual" (which I really am not, I just come across as pretty straight, that's not a cover up). Also, I also just h*te when they say "well, maybe you should also have a relationship with a man".

    I have found the reactions to be so - not even intentionally - misunderstanding, that I'm honestly doubting, like you said well, shota, if it's even worth it telling it to more people. What will be the benefit?

    Of course people now have the impression that I am trying to closet myself again because I'm afraid to come out as gay. They think my silence means me being afraid of being judged for being gay. But it really is different, I am afraid of their wrong perceptions and the judgement it will bring me in my later relationships. But I guess the damage is already done, and not talking will only further feed their wrong ideas. I'd probably be better off telling everyone now.

    Boy I so regret ever having told this to any of my friends. I should have just shut up. At least everyone would just act normal to me and I would just sort out my issues in private with my partner, without having my entire social circle watch and gossip and socially control.

    Hmmm. So I guess I am planning to tell. Even though I'm reluctant to do so. Meh.
     
    #4 Chet, Mar 1, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2015