I’m going to go on a rant here. Hope this isn’t too long… I don’t know whether I’m angry or just sad. My girlfriend broke up with me today. We went out a couple of times, had fun together and then it happened. It always does. Yesterday she came on to me. I had told her earlier that although I was very open to having a relationship, I wasn’t all that keen on sex. Well, she went for it anyway, I refused (as politely as I could), she got angry. At first I thought she’d calm down again, but this morning she called me to let me know that she couldn’t be with a person” that doesn’t know what he wants”. I know exactly what I want : I want a relationship, but I don’t want sex – at least not a this point, barely 3 weeks after meeting for the first time. :icon_sad: My relationships (or attempts at the same) always end the same way. At this point I’ve considered every possibility. I’ve even contemplated giving in and having sex just to keep the relationship going. But I don’t think I could physically manage without getting aroused. And even if I could, I think I’d end up feeling used. Most of my friends have married or have steady girlfriends, so more and more I tend to be the odd one out. For a while they probably found it interesting to gossip behind my back about me “probably being gay”, but I guess after a while that gets boring and they moved on. In a way it’s incredibly unfair : If I was, I could find a boyfriend and have a relationship with him. I don’t really have a preference gender-wise. But as I can’t even manage to keep an opposite-sex relationship going for more than a few weeks/months, I don’t think a homosexual relationship wouldn’t work either, as I would be fraught with the same basic problem : me not desiring people sexually. I guess I could go to a gay bar to meet guys but somehow I don’t think the pickup line “Hi ! I like your personality but I don’t find you sexually attractive” is going to be very successful. I just want someone to love and share a life with, but apparently in this world where everything seems to revolve only around sex that seems to be impossible…..
While I can't speak to your relationships. I have given myself sexually to another person, when they desired sex. It sometimes ends in a really surprising and fulfilling experience. Or at least it has for me.:eusa_danc
Hi, I think you are doing the right thing by not just sleeping with someone so that they stay with you...you should do what you feel it's fair to yourself...I think if a person truely wants to be with you, sex shouldn't be a factor. I have come to realize that I like to have a relationship with a person because of their personalities too and they can be from any sexual orientation. Although I haven't come out yet (only to few), and never had a relationship with same sex or trans sexual person, but I am open to it. It’s always people's personality that attracts me to them and keeps me around. You can try to get to know men and see how you feel about them too. I don't think you can do that at the bars, bars are just picking up place to have sex, one night stands. I personally can't do that, I have to know the person to get 'good' sex or any kind of affection, otherwise it's just painful and it is a turn off in the middle of making out or sex, I guess by having a vagina it is not so obvious that I am not aroused any longer. My point being, take your time and don't be disappointed by this person. If a person truly is attracted to you, your sexual state shouldn't stop them from being around you, they would respect you for who you are and how you feel.
You should do what feels right. But remember, a relationship doesn't only have to be when you're "dating".. it can always start when you're just friends. If you met that one girl three weeks ago, started dating her, and she already wanted sex, then you probably went into a relationship with her too fast anyway. You should focus on making relationships that don't involve sex at all, such as friendships, and then have things slowly play out. If you end up dating someone that you're friends with, perhaps then it would be a time when you feel more comfortable to having sex. Good luck
Hi there! Given what happened, just ask yourself whether or not she really wanted to have a 'relationship' in the first place. Try not to dwell too much on it. If people truly like you and want to be with you, they should understand if you are uncomfortable with having sex at this stage and should respect you for that. From what you have said, it sounds like that you want and seek a long term relationship with someone, who does not just want sex, but also who wants to cuddle, be there for you, and is a great friend as well as a partner or someone who wants to share his/her life with you. It will take a bit of time to find that special someone but if you take your time, it will happen. Don't give up on having a boyfriend/girlfriend or possible having a long term relationship with either sex. It takes a while for strong and deep relationships to develop. I don't think you did anything wrong. Never give in or do something with which you feel uncomfortable just to keep a relationship going. It is possible that even if you would have had sex with her, that she still might have broken it off down the road. You probably would have felt even more hurt. You did what you needed to do. Having sex with someone revolves also around the issue of trust, and trusting the other person. Maybe things will change once you have gotten to know someone really well, know you can trust this person and feel that this is someone with whom you can have a committed relationship. Hope this helps a bit.
I sort of know where you're coming from. Through most of my teenage and adult life, I've been scared of sex and wondered why people found it so important and essential in their lives when they could have friendships and masturbate. I've had few crushes and didn't become aware of a crush as such until I was 14, with my second crush, so I've had people wonder if I'm gay, too. I've only recently started experimenting with sex play (hands, dry humping) with my steady boyfriend of two years who's also always been afraid of sex, and, well, there was nothing about it that magically drew us closer. It alleviated my boredom and satisfied my curiosity for a brief time, but then we settled into yet another boring routine, and did not improve our technique with each other. (I plan to try out a friend's advice next time I can bring myself to bother with sex play.) My advice to you would be, if you want to date at all, to find someone who's willing to take it very, very slow - an asexual, hyposexual, or sex-phobic, perhaps. Have you been to AVEN yet, or to any asexual dating sites? It may be worthwhile to explore asexuality as a possible orientation. I did, and ultimately decided (after some exploration) that I'm not asexual on the basis of that one crush I had with explicit fantasies and the explicitness of my regular masturbation fantasies. But I feel like I have a lot in common with asexuals nonetheless. Oh yeah...about friendships: my boyfriend and I were friends for a year before we started getting semi-romantic. So, yeah, friendships might be a good way to start, to get close to someone without having to worry about sex.
Thank you all for your kind advice. Although I'm obviously disappointed, I'm not taking this too seriously. Obviously after a little over 3 weeks the emotional connection hadn't grown too strong yet. I think the prospect of never being able to find a person is what is getting to me. I've had a few relationships/friendships/whatever you want to call them, and some lasted months. Most of them just slowly dissolve with no real break-up - I guess they just loose interest when they realize I'm not going to push for "the thing every man wants most". I'm not so sure about a sexphobic person, but I'd take probably have no problem with an asexual. But there don't seem to be many of them around (at least openly asexual). Re : AVEN - I've checked out the site in some detail, yet I find I can't completely relate. Some of it feels right, but then there are large portions where it seems that many people on the site have social anxiety and/or other issues. I think I stumbled across a poll where 70+ % of posters wouldn't mind cutting of their own gentiles :eek: Yes, that's pretty much me. I've tried - in fact I always have to be friends/friendly with people before I would ever consider going on anything resembling a date. The problem seems to be that on the male side all of my friends are straight - so they wouldn't want to have a relationship with me, sexual or otherwise, and on the female side I often find that while I'm still happily and content in the friendship phase, they've moved on and are pushing for more. I think most don't have a problem with not having sex per se, it's more to do with the fact that they want you to want to have sex with them.
