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Problems establishing physical boundaries. Advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GuitarGirl1350, Nov 9, 2008.

  1. GuitarGirl1350

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    Hello everyone,

    I've been having a bit of a problem with a friend. We'll call her May.
    Last week, May and I both went on a school trip. It was about a 2 hour bus ride, and on the way there, May fell asleep on my shoulder. I was quite uncomfortable as I don't like to be touched and was quite anxious about someone who was not my girlfriend being this close to me and was schooching a bit so maybe she'd move, but didn't. She asked me if it was okay and I was like "err--- yeah." If you knew May, you'd understand. She gets her feelings hurt really easily, is very shy and quiet. I figured everything would be alright, and I fell asleep anyway.

    Later in the day, May and I met up for lunch. That went well, but I feel I may have given her a wrong impression because we shared lunch. It was her suggestion because it was a gigantic portion, but whatever.

    On the ride home, May laid on my shoulder again. I kept moving, kind of getting her off, but she kept coming back. She was grabbing my arm, but I kept moving it to change songs on my mp3 player so she'd stop. Eventually she did, but she kept her head there. I was really, really uncomfortable and stiffened up, again hoping she'd get it. I didn't want to hurt her feelings at all.

    When we got back to school, I waited for my mom with my hands in my jeans pockets. She asked if I was cold and said "Not really" and she went in my pocket....I ripped my hand out and was really caught off guard. I should mention May hasn't ever said anything about her sexuality, but I've suspected her to be a lesbian for a long time.

    I went home thinking her behaviour was strange, but she's a normally touchy person with other people anyway and this was the first time I'd ever been with her for an extended period.

    May is in one of my classes at school. The day after the trip, May started to push her desk up right next to mine, which makes me uncomfortable as well. I didn't say anything because she asked if she could look off my book, because she didn't have hers. The next day, she did this as well except we didn't need our books-- she just went up next to me. We have the same lunch period, and on day one I went to talk to one of my teachers, who she happens to eat lunch with. The teacher and I were discussing lesbianism and on the way back to class, May asked me if I'd ever been asked flat out my sexuality. I said, "Yes and I tell them hell yeah I'm a lesbian!" she said, "I just tell people I'm awesome." I'm inclined to believe that any answer but straight usually means not straight, especially after her behavior. I'm also inclined to believe she was talking to me about it because she has feelings for me.

    The next day, she came back from lunch (I wasn't with her over lunch) looking quite upset. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "You know when you realize something? and you realize you've always been that way? I'm having one of those moments." It's not as if I don't know what she's talking about.

    I have no interest in May, even though she's a very nice, sweet girl. I have my own complicated love life, and I'd rather not have someone coming on to me like she is. She is very sensitive and I know she's hurt rather easily, so I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to not say anything in case she does need someone to reach out to. I don't want her stranded on that island of sexuality-induced depression so many people get, but I don't want to keep living trying to avoid her touching. Maybe I'm taking this all the wrong way, but it seems odd to me, especially since we've known each other three years and she's never acted like this before. It's too coincidental.

    So.

    1. How do I communicate with May the fact that I'm uncomfortable by her unusually close proximity to me,
    2. How do I initiate the "we need to have the sexual orientation talk" with her,
    3. How do I do the above in the most sensitive way possible?

    I really, really need some help on this one, guys. I'm totally lost.
     
  2. Miaplacidus

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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well Jack dear... I get the impression that we're going to talk about this on MSN at some point but I'll reply here. You know me very well, so you're aware that I'm not exactly the most tactful of people...

    Regarding problem 1, I'd just tell her. My friend Giuliano (who is straighter than straight) was somewhat touchy-feely with me, which made me uncomfortable so I told him that I needed my personal space. He took it well although he insisted for a little while, but stopped when I made it plainly evident that I didn't want hugs and stuff.

    Problem 2 could be addressed by, I don't know, starting to talk about something related to LGBT rights or the like, then guiding the conversation specifically toward lesbianism and to you. You could give her EC's URL as well, or if you want to be more subtle, you could give her a copy of Full Spectrum with the excuse that you work for the project (it's unlikely that she'll ignore the full-page EC ad).

    Problem 3... well, I've implied subtle ways above but I'm not the best for that, as I said. I tend to be quite rough. :frowning2:

    I hope this is of some help.

    Hugs,
    Fred
     
  3. GuitarGirl1350

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    I did plan on it. I just hopped on here, I can't really stay because people are being all talky and shit >.< but I'll explain that later.

    I'm quite rough too (you know me, lol) so I don't know how to handle it well. I like your idea of talking about rights and steering it towards her. I think I may do that. I'm still kind of hung up on the no-touching thing, though. Maybe if I have that conversation and we bring it around to her and me and I say that I'm not interested (by way of saying my heart is set on someone else or something) it will stop...I'll hope.

    Thanks for the help, buddy! I'll be on messenger around 9.
     
  4. hmmm, yeah that is a hard situation. but most people also see me as that guy that is sensitive and cant take a hint without major sublety. actually id rather have someone politely tell me whats the problem and just remain polite and at least say hi. usually yes my feelings are hurt, but once i see that people are just telling me how they feel and they dont hate me then that alliviates the negatice attitude. and if you think she has feelings for other girls say that if she needs a friend you can help her sometimes. ephasize sometimes since she could be clingy....good luck