I'm a 26 year old male and I come from your typical conservative, Irish-Catholic, blue collar family...oh and did I mention they like to throw around the word fag often and are quite homophobic? I'm currently living with my dad while I finish school, I've got a year left. Here's my dilemma... I've been dating a great guy for over a month now and we decided to make it official and I already decided to tell my sister and her husband and I had planned on telling my parents about it but just not now. However one of my cousins found me on ****** and has been going around telling people that I'm on ****** looking for guys, this is a big reason why I decided to tell my parents about it because I'd rather them hear it from me and not second hand gossip. I'm also doing this because I'm tired of sneaking around my man and having to lie to my parents that he is a she. I couldn't get the words out to my sister so I sent her an email but I just feel like since I live with my dad I should just tell him in person. So yesterday before I was going to class I told him that I was going to tell him today and told him that I needed to talk to him about something personal. So right away he calls my sister up and asks her if she knows anything and he begins to speculate that I might be gay because I mentioned that I had been in a gay bar recently. I stayed at my boyfriend's house last night and I just felt so depressed and stressed out about all this and I felt horrible because we were getting intimate and I just couldn't get into it because there's so much going on in my mind. I'm so lucky to have an understanding guy like him, at the same time I don't want to have to hide him anymore or hide me anymore. So I went home and I just couldn't get the words out! It didn't help that my dog began throwing up constantly which put my dad in a bad mood. He began yelling and screaming and was getting mad that I couldn't get out the words so he finally says "Do you like men more than women?" and I just laughed and said "You're crazy" and made up something else. Now I feel like a complete ass that I didn't say anything, I had the perfect opportunity and I blew it. The main reason why I backed out is because I didn't want to tell him while he was mad (Thanks to my dog) but I can't help but wonder if he was actually mad about what I was about to tell him and was taking it out on the dog. It also didn't help that before I began saying anything he says "I hope it ain't what I think it is!". So I just feel so depressed and like I just want to cry. I don't know why this has to be so hard. I was thinking of waiting until a day I can get my sister over so she can be sort of a mediator but at the same time I'm thinking of just writing a letter to him so I can just get it over with. My biggest fear is what his reaction will be and if he will throw me out or not. I'm like a zombie right now because of how heavy this is weighing on my mind...:icon_sad:
I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time coming out to your dad. I come from a similar background - 27 years old, Italian-Catholic family - and I haven't come out to my conservative father yet. (I just recently came out to my mom and step-dad, who are the ones who raised me). Based on what you've written so far, it does sound like your father suspects, and like Coffee Guy says, your dad is probably just waiting to hear it from you. Don't beat yourself up about not being able to come out when your dad was angry and in a bad mood. From my experience, it's not easy to come out to someone even when they're open, happy, and accepting. I can't imagine what it must be like when the other person is hostile. That said, I do think it is a good idea for you to recruit your sister for when you decide to come out to your dad, that way she can be your ally and, like you say, act as a mediator if tempers flare. A letter might also be a good idea. I wrote a letter when I came out to my mom, best friend and (ex) girlfriend. I didn't actually send the letter, but it was useful for me just to have my thoughts organized on paper. If you are seriously concerned that your father's reaction will be severe, then you might want to wait until you finish school and are independent before you come out to him. I understand your concern about not wanting your dad to find out indirectly from someone else. If it's any help to you, I have always felt like my coming out process is up to me to control, and that I should only come out to people when I'm ready to do so. Don't feel pressured by external forces to come out to your dad if you aren't ready. Your private life is your business. If it were me, and I had a cousin who was confronting me about my sexuality and telling others about my activity on dating sites, I would politely but firmly state that it's none of their business. You should come out when you're ready to come out. I hope that was helpful. Good luck.
You are living in a very hostile enviroment. If I were you I'd try to get out of there, I don't think it would be wise to tell the truth to your dad right now, he seems all but ready to face the news. My father used to be very homophobic, and also with a catholic background. They got a wrong idea about what means to be a man. Don't hate them for this, try to do your best to forgive them, 'cause deep inside they are hurting as well. I had to hide the fact that I had a girlfriend, again and again... I know too well where you are coming from... It's an awful situation. Do you think you could spend some time away from all this, with relatives, or maybe get independent? You could always finish your last year on an evening school for adults, that's what I did, and it actually worked pretty well.
You need to tell him essentially this: The other night, when you were mad at the vomiting dog and in a bad mood, you asked me "Do you like men more than women?". I thought it was a very bad time to talk about this, because I want you to be calm and rational when I tell that you I denied it, because the truth is, I like men INSTEAD of women. I can't help it; I was born this way. It is nobody's "fault", because it isn't a fault, it is just what happened to me, not something I chose to do. I know this disappoints and upsets you, because it is not something to be happy about, but it is the truth, and now you know it too. I am being honest with you, and I hope you will respect me for that and love me because I am your son, instead of hating me for what I was born to be and cannot change. If you truly believe in God, then you should believe that he made me this way for a reason, even if we don't know what the reason is yet; if we deal with this as a loving family instead of being angry about it, we will figure it out, and come to accept who I am, and the man I will some day choose to live my life with as God intended. I need your help and support right now, now that you know. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I hope you can see your way through the disappointment and anger to love me as I really am, as I love you for who you really are too.
